The Secret to Instant Happiness (814 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 2 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by myredmirage95 (View user info) at 2005-05-23 13:31:08 EDT
I've noticed lately that people seem to be in a bad mood. It started with munkypants and everyone from uber setting out to cheer her up. Then over the past week or so, her unhappiness with life has traveled across the many states (and possibly countries) to affect everyone else.
I have seen little old ladies giving the finger in traffic, I have seen some of the happiest people I know cry like there was no tomorrow and I, myself, have felt the disturbance sweep over me like a cold, rushing wave of salty water in the ocean. It's horrible and it has to be stopped....luckily, I have a solution. I, your friendly, fellow uber user, have found the secret to instant happiness (other than masturbation).
Ever since this whole phenomenon of sadness has been unleashed, I have been trying to think of the perfect thing to do to make everyone feel better, and I have it; remember something horrible you did to someone else. Yes, something horrible...not something good. Good things you have done to people only make them happy and for only a short amount of time; same goes for good things other people have done for you. Yeah, whatever they did was great then; maybe a couple of days later even, but for the long run...who fucking cares? The best thing is something shitty you did to someone else who did something that really pissed you off.
I was sitting at work a couple of days ago and I felt so incredibly bad. The wave was repeatedly crashing over me. An old woman at work told me I looked about as bad (that day) as she felt. Bitch. Then later my supervisor told me I was a mean person. Nah shit. Anyway, those couple of things plus a few other stupid occurrences put me in a bad mood. The bad mood automatically reminded me of a guy I went to school with who used to always do stupid shit to me.
*flack back*
It was groovy 1997. Everyone was doing the 'Macarena', mini backpack pocketbooks were in style, Austin Powers was in full swing, baby!!!, and I was in the 7th grade. The day was warm and sunny and everything was wonderful for me...then there he was. The asshole. Our A.G. class was on its way to the state of the art computer lab (Macs of course) to type our research papers and he decides it would be fun to hit me with his notebook on my ass. I wasn't aware at this time that this was his way of flirting so I got pissed off and warped into retaliation mode. At the time, I had a large green cloth covered trapper keeper that just so happened to have a library book hidden inside it; a very large, heavy library book. Perfect.
I swung back as far as I could and unleashed the beast within me. With a war cry that would put Xena to shame, I slammed the trapper keeper against the back of his head with such force that it knocked him off his feet.
(This is when everything goes into slow motion)
As he is falling, the notebook releases itself out of my hands and floats over his head and lands softly on the floor in front of him. As he falls forward, he stumbles to catch himself but his foot lands directly upon my book, which then causes him to skid and fall onto the floor and then to slide face first 20 ft. into the brick wall.
*flashback again*
A month or so later I am sitting in math class pretending to do my class work. Asshole is sitting in front of me trying to draw penises on my paper. He has not yet learned his lesson.
"Hey Jen, nice purse" he exclaims as he reaches around me and grabs my teddy bear shaped backpack purse. "It would be a shame if its head fell off wouldn't it?"
Once again, I didn't know this was his way of flirting with me, so the flames of anger began licking at the backs of my eyes telling me that I must do something. I screamed at him to give my purse back but he continued to refuse and twist the bear's head...the fucker. "What am I going to do?" I thought as I was nearly in tears. Then I saw it. My extra fine point roller ball pen...purple ink, of course. In an instant I had grabbed the pen with one hand and his wrist with the other and began repeatedly stabbing his arm until he dropped my purse, but even after he dropped it, I kept stabbing and calling him every curse word that my 7th grade mind knew of as he screamed for help.
Call me a cruel person, call me a bitch, call me whatever you'd like, but remembering his bloody body in a heap on the floor, spitting out teeth and calling me a bitch and recalling the look of horror on his face as I repeatedly stabbed him with the pen just makes me squeal with glee. I sat at my work station and after reliving these incidents in my mind my spirits lifted and I felt the bubbly sensation of imminent laughter approaching and I couldn't hold it back. I knew people were looking at me like I was insane, but I didn't care. I felt 100% better and it's all because I just so happened to remember those glorious days back in 7th grade when I ruined someone's shit for pissing me off.
So, Uber, there you have it; the secret to instant happiness. I know that in your lifetime there was a time where someone gave you hell from day one and I know that one day, one glorious day, you finally got them back and completely fucked them up. All you have to do is remember that wonderful day and use it to make yourself happy during your darkest of hours...I know it will help.
User Reviews
Submitted by aceyloulou (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ur evil! EVIL I SAY!!!!!! But, I love ya. Ur mean in a way that people don't know ur being mean. LOL
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-05-24 10:22:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*flack back* = *flash back*
10 run throughs and 2 proof readers and none of us caught it until now. My goodness.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-24 01:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-23 16:35:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-05-23 13:47:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for NOT including me in the directory...even though I emailed my picture AND told you I did so on your directory post BEFORE you cut everyone off. Thanks a bunch.
________________
You're in it.
You're in the lower section.
(From the uberdirectory post)
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2005-05-23 22:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-05-23 18:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here is your +2.
*slowly backing away*
This was a really good post.
*turns and runs away*
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-05-23 14:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-05-23 14:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All I needed to do was picture a little old lady flipping someone off in traffic and I was happy.
Hey dad check it out, that lady is telling you that you're #1.
Submitted by Haggard (user info) at 2005-05-23 13:56:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-05-23 13:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so if i make
a derogatory comment
but it's just my way
of flirting, can i assume
instint death?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-23 13:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something similar happened to me this weekend. But he didn't twist the head off of my backpack.