I'm Stuck Here With No Cheese Dip, and Cetrainly Not Enough Toilet Paper. (858 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.68 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hadley (View user info) at 2005-05-23 16:05:24 EDT
Quite possibly the most awkward situation known to the adult in a developed country: the office party of an office that you are not a member of. To further explain, being the date, the teenage daughter, the friend, anyone who otherwise does not have a parking pass for the downtown, underground lot, or the spouse of someone who wants to drag you along to the Christmas, boss' birthday, or welcome summer party thrown by their colleagues.
The plight of the unfortunate guest in this situation is the unbearable ennui caused by hour after ceaseless hour of conversations about people you don't know. Every conversation is centered around the same names, the same office fiasco, and the same high-pitched, slightly censored, nervous laughter. You, the guest, have nothing to add to the discourse, nor do you find anything they say funny or interesting.
How is what John in finance did at all funny? WHAT DID JOHN IN FINANCE DO? Remember four years ago when...
No, no I don't because I wasn't there. So I'll just assuage my boredom by munching on tortilla chips dipped in salsa that tastes vaguely like corporate America hired hundreds of third generation Mexicans to chop up tomatoes and corn and slap a generic brand label on the jar. I'm going to try the fruit and cheese tray now.
Enter: the quivering feeling creeping up on your stomach that tells you that everyone at that party knows that you are solely responsible for demolishing the snack table. Someone makes a snide comment, "wow, you haven't stopped eating!" You laugh nervously, while they make their snickers sound harmless. What were you supposed to do, sit in the corner starving and pulling out another eyelash every time you heard the story about Jim's PowerPoint gone wrong? Wait, you assholes are making $200,000 a year to fuck up a PowerPoint? We need more chocolate chip cookies over here.
Enter: the quivering feeling that stealthily made its way to your colon while you were focusing on not making an ass of yourself. This could be the result of 10 diet cokes. Mayhap you can blame it on the bag of Tostitos and guacamole dip. Was it the entire batch of brownies from Diane's secretary?
The race to the bathroom is on. The door is locked and you hear a compact snap open. "Come on, Lauren from Proposals, I know what you and Chad do every Tuesday and Friday. You think I'm deaf at my post by the cooler?"
You are grabbed by the arm, and we all know that the ride home is much worse than the actual party.
"Couldn't you just behave yourself?"
"Those Mexicans put something in the Food Lion salsa."
"I mean, I ask for 4 hours once a year."
"I still need to poop. Can we kill Lauren from Proposals?"
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-08-05 20:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"wait wait...
I feel a post about make up sex coming.
-Hads"
i think we're all wait waiting
and as for suckage... parties in general...
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2005-05-31 21:20:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i remember you.
i found you on thefacebook.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
we get an office xmas do every year
instead of a bonus.
tightwads.
Submitted by Thunderflakes (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm waiting for the make-up sex post.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Emus need love too.
-Hadley
P.S. I recently went to a huge party called llama-rama. 20 kegs and a llama. Best. Party. Ever.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-05-24 12:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know, kid, you had a hell of a streak of good posts there. I just have emus...
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh nooooo but that was 2 years ago. i think. god damnit why don't i post things with quality?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-05-24 08:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Call it a deal. Right after I read the rest of your stuff.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-24 00:12:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. I'm glad I came back and read this.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2005-05-23 23:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Or Hadley II, Hadley Jr., Hadley B, so on and so forth...
-Hadley
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-05-23 23:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For a minute, I thought I posted something and forgot...
We should mate. We can name all the babies Hadley.
Submitted by Thunderflakes (user info) at 2005-05-23 22:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah, I'm new here, but i've been reading this stuff for a couple years.
Submitted by Thunderflakes (user info) at 2005-05-23 20:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And in the end you walk away disappointed, not because you aren't on speaking terms with your date, but because they didn't have those neat little pickles that are super sour.
with tiny sword toothpicks.
damnit.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-05-23 19:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-05-23 19:25:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Times.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-05-23 17:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-23 17:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-05-23 16:28:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheh..... the best thing to do in one of those situations is to make something up. Boyfriend giving you the old silent treatment? Two words:
Projectile Diarrhea
___
I agree most heartily!~
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-05-23 17:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's beat. Hope you didn't shit up the car.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-23 16:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes indeed!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-23 16:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I still need to poop. Can we kill Lauren from Proposals?"
That line made me snort. Then my boss made fun of me. I'll be sending you my therapy bill.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-05-23 16:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheh..... the best thing to do in one of those situations is to make something up. Boyfriend giving you the old silent treatment? Two words:
Projectile Diarrhea
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-05-23 16:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2005-05-23 16:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
aww matt, i think i plus twoed something of yours back like 3 years ago. Oh wait, i guess i took a long enough hiatus that i've been forgotten. ANYWAY, agreed, needs an end, but all that happened really was my boyfriend driving really fast and giving me the super mature silent treatment.
wait wait...
I feel a post about make up sex coming.
-Hads
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-23 16:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hell yeah
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-05-23 16:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, that ending kinda just..... died...... if this post had actually had an ending, I totally would have +2ed this unfinished masterpiece.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-05-23 16:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheh. I know the feeling.