He’ll Die Until He’s Dead (2809 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: bestofsteve
Rating: 1.97 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's House of UberPancake! Madness (View user info) at 2005-05-23 20:30:01 EDT
I took out my garbage at 4 a.m. this morning. This isn't really odd for me. Except for the fact that I hate taking out the garbage. But the rotten cucumbers in the bag were leaking their rotten cucumber juice all over the floor. So I caved and took out the trash.
So I strolled out the back door of my building, garbage in hand and went to throw it in the dumpster. Next to the dumpster is this old car. The apartment that corresponds the stall is empty. In fact, the door is unlocked to the apartment. So if anyone needs a free car and a place to crash, I've got a deal for you.
I opened up the dumpster lid, threw my trash inside and went to walk back into my smelly building.
Then I heard a shout. It was an angry loud shout coming from down the alleyway. Some one was coming right at me. What the hell man. I couldn't see his face, but he kept yelling the same thing over and over again.
It was one of those moments where you can actually hear your heart beat in your ears. The blood starts to pound and you freeze.
Because the shout was my name.
My shit was fucked.
I quickly darted towards the door and flung it open. Whoever the hell it was, they obviously knew where I lived. I'm going to have to get my hockey stick and beat him to death. Yes. To death. He'll die until he's dead.
"Oh no, you bastard, you fucking wait!" Angry. Very angry.
He lunged forward grabbed the door before it closed. That's when I saw his face.
He was me. But with a goatee.
I should tell him I look like shit with a goatee.
"Wait...what's going on?" I asked.
He glared. "You fucking moron. I'm you from an alternate universe."
"But that's not possible. I don't have an alternate universe inducing machine," I replied. "Wait, did that just make sense?"
"No," he shook his head. "You moron. I'm the evil you from an alternate universe. And I'm here to fight you."
"Why are you here to fight me?" I asked.
"Because I'm evil. I've been travelling from universe to universe, beating up alternate versions of me," he answered.
"What made me evil?" I was curious. I'm not even close to evil here. I'm a borderline tree-hugging hippie. I cry every time it rains because I have to run over worms that crawl up from the ground. Poor worms. Poor slimy bastards.
"You just are. You're evil all right. You kill kittens."
"Not the kittens!"
"You put them in a bag filled with rocks and throw them in the river. Then you watch the air bubbles rise up to the surface and laugh. You laugh an evil laugh and do a little evil dance. Then you go to evil Denny's and have evil chicken strips with evil honey mustard."
"Noooooo..."
Then we fought. I'm pretty tough when I'm evil. I really kicked the shit out of myself. I punched that bastard in the heart and he fell over dead. Then I wrapped his body up in a carpet and tossed him in the river. Once it's in the river, all is forgotten.
Hands clean. Hands clean....
But for all you know, I could be the Evil Steve.
Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not.
I'll never tell.
So...does anyone have a kitten they could sell me?
User Reviews
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-12 02:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Some one was coming right at me. What the hell man."
I nearly shit my pants right then and there. I ran as fast as I could to the toilet as a turd blasted out of my asshole at the speed of sound with just seconds to spare.
Thank you.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-06-28 15:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He was me. But with a goatee.
TOTALLY read it as goatse.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-24 03:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should grow a goatee
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-01 12:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nominated for best ever
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88572
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by HateFist (user info) at 2005-07-11 13:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-26 14:33:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-25 02:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66525 and now this are tied on the list...once it updates.
But I got a screencap of my other post at the top today, so I still have the proof.
...not that I care about a silly website or anything...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-25 02:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe htis one will replace your dad on best ever?
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-05-25 02:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ah , its marvellous how the old trash can lead to other things.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would die until I was dead if I made that error, munkey....
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-24 12:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He was me. But with a goatee. "
did anyone else read that as goatse?
OMG ATTN ALIEN CATZ!!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-05-24 10:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yes. To death. He'll die until he's dead." Bwahahahahahahahaaaaah!
Strangely enough, I've recently been considering making a post about meeting my other self ... from an alternate universe, or time, or something... Mine was gonna end with sex, though, so it automatically kicks twice as much ass as yours; because, as everyone who's anyone knows, the only thing sexier than me - is two of me.
Also, mine was gonna have an actual picture of me facing off against myself. WITHOUT USING PHOTOSHOP, BITCH!
Not of the sex, though. That would require Photoshop ... as well as a penis big enough to be visible on a 640x480 image.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-24 09:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-24 09:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
please don't harm the kitties
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-24 09:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is like the South Park episode where the kids like the alternate Cartman better than the real one.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-24 08:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thos kittens are fucking cool.
And the story is, well, what else is there but fucking cool?
So, uh, I guess you could say *it* was fucking cool, too, then...
Except the unlocked apartment.
You could have ruined some guys heroin trip by fighting with yourself in front of him...
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-24 01:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Or_ (user info) at 2005-05-24 01:07:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Some one was coming right at me. What the hell man."
One day, historians will ponder who inspired you as an author. When they stumble upon the line above, they will have found their answer.
--
That's scary because it's true.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-24 01:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love the title.
Submitted by Or_ (user info) at 2005-05-24 01:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Some one was coming right at me. What the hell man."
One day, historians will ponder who inspired you as an author. When they stumble upon the line above, they will have found their answer.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-05-24 00:54:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're on a madness roll. ++
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-23 23:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, bart. I love ya. Always have.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-23 23:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a perfectionist. As long as I'm finding things wrong with my work, I'll never be able to post something with confidence and say 'Fuck, this kicks ass!'
Thus, no ego.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-23 23:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Except without the ego.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-05-23 23:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fukcing awesome Steve! hahahaha. Your shit never ceases to make me laugh. You're the new Sideburns.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-23 23:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hell yeah. We play it down by the lake. We get drunk and stoned and throw heavy balls at each other. Kicks ass.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-23 22:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That crazy canadian bowling where the ball fits in your hand?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-23 22:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks friend. No hard feelings. Wanna go bowling?
Submitted by Dripping_Abscess (user info) at 2005-05-23 22:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-23 22:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crazy like a fox!
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2005-05-23 22:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you sure are crazy
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-05-23 21:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-05-23 21:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliance, condensed into post format and deliberately marketed so it would appeal to the demographic of 'people with fucked up a fucked up sense of humour like mine'. That's how I read it anyway.
Woop woop.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-05-23 21:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe you just masturbate too much.
Every time you do it, god kills a kitten, you know...
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-23 20:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you ever find yourself in that situation again, just write a bunch of math on a table napkin. Alternate beings hate math.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-23 20:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's on mother fucker. I'm bringing the pain. And the noise. And the funk.
WORD UP!
...and that movie fucking sucked donkey balls.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-23 20:42:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOu and your fucking, cats, WHAT IS THIS?!?!??!?! I'm killing you gangland style tomorrow steve, bring your pussy-ass samurai sword if you want. High noon, 4:00 eastern time, your end of days has come. Ha, you remember that movie End Of Days with Arnold where he fights the devil and all that crazy? I hated it.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-23 20:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I must be drunk.
And evil.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-23 20:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very niiice.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-23 20:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I must be high