A Letter to the Damn Editor (783 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.62 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Espo (View user info) at 2005-05-24 11:23:21 EDT
This may or may not be published in my college's daily paper, and as much as I would be thrilled to have it grace the pages of the nation's oldest collegiate newspaper, I'm just as happy to present to all the wonderful readers of Uber. This past fall, our entire campus received brand new Maytag washers and dryers - this piece is written in response to the new purchases. The name of the school has been removed. Enjoy.
The New Washers and Dryers are Decadent and Depraved
Many in the [College] community have already been inured to the tragic circumstances they face every week or two when they venture into the depths of their respective dorms, swipe their card, and attempt to do their laundry. I use the word "attempt" because I have spent the last few months cursing the "eco-friendly" washing units and have written this article to expose the travesty that occurs on our beloved campus on a daily basis.
To wit: they simply do not do their job.
When first introduced to [College], the new washers and dryers were hailed like so many false idols, with promises of "less water usage," "bigger loads," and possible eternal salvation. Truly, this is the technology of the future - where for a mere 25 cents more, the world's brightest college students can clean their clothes using less water and less time, leaving them more precious moments to solve the quandaries that plague our very existence.
However, like the golden calf, the Almighty has smote those whose put their faith in these new blaspheming spawn of Maytag, and has wrought down load after load of soggy, wrinkled clothes and higher prices.
As I see it, there are two basic problems the new washers and dryers:
1.) The "Lock." Why do the washing machines deem it necessary to automatically "lock" themselves upon the start of every cycle. Honestly, who is going to want to steal your wet, soapy, not yet fully washed clothes right from the washing machine?
Are you worried about someone taking out your laundry and then putting their clothes in? Well, maybe you shouldn't be using all three machines at the same time and stop living in your own squalor. Woe to the [college] student who wants to add another two pairs of boxers to his laundry load - looks like you'll be dealing with those streaks for another week.
2.) Load Size. I am no math major, so perhaps my logical thought progressions are not up to par, but it occurred to me that if I can wash a load of laundry in the washer, I should then be able to dry the very same load in the dryer. But like a woman wearing a fur coat in the middle of a game reserve, I couldn't be more wrong.
After spending a good hour and half of doing laundry, there is probably nothing worse than opening up the dryer and removing a mass of soggy, damp, wrinkled t-shirts. Now, one would think that I had mistakenly placed my clothes in the washer twice, and I indeed checked the machine to make sure that it was a drying unit, which I found, to my chagrin, that it falsely claimed to be. So instead of paying $1.25 to wash and another $1.25 to dry my clothes, I have to spend $1.25 to wash and at least $2.50 to dry them.
The best part is that, in order to provide a buffer against all reactionary responses to these new washers and dryers, the proponents of these machines are playing the "eco" card: "Oh, you don't like the new machines? It must be because they're environmentally friendly and you're an oil lamp burning, coal spewing, Superfund site dwelling polluter that must hate the environment."
No, I don't hate the environment.
I don't let the water run when I shave or brush my teeth.
I try not to flush more than once when I use the little boy's room.
I turn off the lights when I leave my room. As the little green sticker so proudly states "[College] Conserves." But are we conserving energy or are we compromising our basic right to have dry clothes?
When I put my clothes in the dryer and I come back 56 minutes later I expect them to be dry - void of all dampness and moistness and ready to be folded and returned to my dresser drawers - and I say if that requires the use of a little more electricity, then so be it. The energy thousands of students save from not having to swipe their cards twice to dry their clothes more than makes up for it.
Espo
User Reviews
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2005-06-03 08:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha espo....I had that problem when i moved in to my apartment building....then I figured out how to use the SETTINGS.
My roommate still hasnt figured it out though.....hehe
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-05-25 02:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-05-25 02:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny and well written -- as usual
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-05-24 18:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You said load.
Submitted by Ranx05 (user info) at 2005-05-24 16:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yup, yes you do...robert...hehe
an 07, eh? damn i'm getting old.
Submitted by Ranx05 (user info) at 2005-05-24 16:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Espo...you don't by any chance go to the college on the hill, do you?
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-05-24 12:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This wasn't interesting.
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have the same problem in my apartment building. The drying units simply tumble my wet clothes around for an hour. Fuck the environment, I want dry jeans.
Submitted by swing39 (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The same thing happened at my school... Only with the bus service... Since my school was spread out onto four campuses with a river in between, the university had their own bus system. The school PIRG chapter petitioned to have "Eco-Friendly" buses placed into service, and to keep them from bitching and moaning the school caved, and bought several underpowered, unproven eco-friendly low emission buses.
To make a long story short, within several months one of the buses caught fire, almost killed several students, burned down a bus shelter, and the million dollar fleet of eco-friendly buses were promptly removed from service at a huge waste of taxpayer dollars (state school), never to return.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was in 'Nam, we had to wash our skivvies in puddles.
Submitted by Arafat.of.the.land (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Boring, unimaginative and the kind of person at uni who really irritates everyone with their 'crazy' notions. Hold youself.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But MJ! I thought you loved kids!
Why would you have your clothes washer, Rita, rip a kids finger off?
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just be glad you're not living in Europe! Doing laundry there (at least as a tourist) is bloody expensive. It can easily cost $20 to do a load of laundry!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking students- do some work!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooooh, you should mention about how you now prefer to drive to an off-campus laundromat, thus using your car, consequently releasing an untold number of gas fumes and carcinogens into the atmosphere, NOT TO MENTION further reinforcing our country's dependency on foreign oil sources, thereby indirectly supporting George W. Bush as president. Which is the worse pollutant?
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The "Lock." Why do the washing machines deem it necessary to automatically "lock" themselves upon the start of every cycle. Honestly, who is going to want to steal your wet, soapy, not yet fully washed clothes right from the washing machine?
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I met a kid who stuck his finger in a washing machine, a towel wrapped around his finger and ripped it off.
Submitted by Haggard (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:29:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:27:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah. college washers/dryers suck. i once spent over 8 bucks to dry my comforter (or whatever the top thick blanket is called)
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just get a clothesline running between dorms...