Incest is Fun for the Whole Family (9126 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-05-24 15:13:08 EDT
My sister is retarded. Mentally handicapped, if you will. Yes, I know I've mined this vein before, but it is important to reestablish character. When I tell you that she's been desperate for male company for years, I want you to understand that it is not because she is a bitch or hideously ugly (although who am I to make that assessment), but is a direct result of her damaged brain.
When I tell you that she complained of genital discomfort, that she has dried up like so many pieces of dehydrated fruit, I would like for your hearts to be pricked, rather than your disgust piqued. When I tell you that she has suffered so much stiffness through lack of use that urinating generates a sound much like a bottle of soda losing carbonation, I want you to know that I'm only aware of it because you can hear it in multiple rooms.
When you hear about her attempts to improve her kissing technique by sticking her tongue into any available household appliance, you can express confidence in knowing it isn't a potential whore in the making or a glutton's search for toaster crumbs, rather the simple passions of a child-like imagination.
And so it came to pass that I was forced to take action. After all, a guy can only tolerate so much wet toast. I asked around.
Tinactin: Hey! So how about that sister of mine? Mmm-hmm, she sure is good looking.
Friend: What?
Tinactin: Look, she needs a date, ok? I'm sure she'll be an easy lay. You don't even have to call her or anything. If you stay over, tomorrow I'll get my mom to make us some toast.
Friend: That's not the point. Your sister looks like the guy from The Deer Hunter.
Tinactin: Christopher Walken?
Friend: No, the Chinaman who kept the captured Robert De Niro in line. The guy who's always slapping people and yelling "Mao!"
On the one hand, my friend is apparently racist. Then again, he does have extensive knowledge of minor movie characters. I would call it a wash, and he would have been good enough to bribe to take out my sister except I could not win him over.
And so I did what any rational person does when he runs out of options. I allowed incest to carry the day. My brother wasn't seeing anyone at the time, so why not? Should I have feared their potential mongoloid children? A child that cant differentiate between his aunt and his mother may possibly be fooled into believing a Lite Brite with some shadow puppetry is an X-Box. The idea of Christmas never seemed so affordable. All that was left was to bring them together and hold the draft lottery to determine on which side of the aisle the relatives would sit.
Now I knew that my brother would not be quite as ready to jump on board, but nobody cares what he thinks. If I can replace some of his cocoa puffs with dog food, why can't I force him to have sex with his sibling? (speaking of dog food, one thing I've always wondered is why companies bother to artificially flavor it to taste like certain meats. When I was a young child, there was once a neighborhood dog who was constantly trying to get her tongue on my balls. I am not attempting to be graphic, I'm just saying if dogs will settle for the taste of prepubescent testes, why should anyone bother to give their horse intestines the rich, smoky flavor of BBQ ribs?)
In any event, I began preparations. The first step was to break all of the light bulbs in the room so he would never see her face clearly. All of the broken glass was organized in a circular pattern around a glass of water, strategically placed to simulate a Mexican fountain. (I do have to represent my heritage). Giant blocks of dry ice would bring along a mysterious, yet slightly toxic allure. My sister was provided WD40 with a particularly sturdy model of those thin plastic sticks that come along with the can. I saw a blood-expunging transvestite on Sunset as an opportunity for a free wig (later passed along to Donkey). I jammed my brother's bottled water full of malt liquor and GHB, and he wasn't smart enough to realize that I had broken the safety seal in opening the cap.
The stage was set. All that was left was to get earplugs and wait for the morning reaction.
At approximately 7:30 am, pacific standard time, I heard the following noise emanating from our restroom.
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"
Concern for the matter hastened my arrival at the restroom door. I could hear my brother whimpering behind a thin wooden veneer.
"What's wrong?"
"Oh God, I think I have leprosy."
My brother has a tendency to exaggerate his injuries. I once stabbed him in the ear with a pencil, and he tried to convince me that he was deaf. His hearing returned within a few minutes.
"Shut up. You're fine"
"Seriously. I am covered in white flakes."
"Don't worry about it. You are just a bit paranoid because you slept with your sister. It's only natural."
"I...what?"
"Look, somebody had to bite the bullet. Take solace in the fact that I kept it in the family. And you kept it in the family."
"Oh my god. I used the pull out method. What if she's pregnant?"
"I'll tell you what. I am kind of responsible for this, so if she is with child I will pay for 40% of the abortion."
"Fuck you. Half."
"Fine. Half."
My brother drives a hard bargain, but I guess those are the skills that make him a good businessman. As for the leprosy, his fears proved once more to be premature. It turned out that he was merely covered in vaginal scabs, like a human version of one of those frosted Christmas trees. He hired a midget and re-enacted the ice sculpture scene from Edward Scissorhands, and everyone was happy.
Except for me. When mom found out what I had done, she grounded me for three weeks without video games or television. I never got to watch the final episode of Melrose Place.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-10 16:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-02 02:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"On the one hand, my friend is apparently racist. Then again, he does have extensive knowledge of minor movie characters."
You know, it's lines like this that pop into my head after reading one of your posts that cause me to break out in riotous laughter. Then I have to deal with all of the uncomfortable glances that are cast at a person that breaks out in riotous laughter.
It's not good for my image.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-04-30 13:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why has this dropped 0.02 of a rating?
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-04-30 13:44:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So wrong, but yet so right.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-30 12:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
can't you write anything that doesn't kick so much asss?
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-02-15 04:22:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Should I have feared their potential mongoloid children? A child that cant differentiate between his aunt and his mother may possibly be fooled into believing a Lite Brite with some shadow puppetry is an X-Box. The idea of Christmas never seemed so affordable."
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-02-02 11:21:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations ... Still sick and very wrong but fucking funny as fuck +2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-24 11:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brand new Shlongy!
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-08-24 11:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by jet_stream_nz (user info) at 2005-08-24 11:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The problem was that most of it was so very wrong ... and I still found it funny
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-26 10:46:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know a place that recycles vaginal scabs into sausage... want the number?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-26 03:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was always taught that 2 wrongs don't make a right, so why is incestuous mongoloid sex so funny?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-26 02:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"A child that cant differentiate between his aunt and his mother may possibly be fooled into believing a Lite Brite with some shadow puppetry is an X-Box."
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This is awful..ly funny.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-26 02:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give me her number.
Submitted by Skippy (user info) at 2005-05-26 01:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-05-25 11:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is the wrongest wrong in the whole of all that is wrong which resides on the planet wrong.
you're wrong.
on every level.
funny piece though *applauds*
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-05-25 11:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-05-25 10:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-25 10:39:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ewwwww
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2005-05-25 06:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy. Fucking. Wrongness. Batman.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-05-25 01:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Am I the only one that though Tori Spelling was hot back in the day?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-25 00:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...and he didn't even buy her dinner.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-25 00:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEry nice. I got tired of holding down shift.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-05-25 00:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn funny and wrong at the same time. hehehehe.
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2005-05-24 23:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boom! Tough Actin' Tinactin!
Sorry, had to.. it just sort of comes with your name.
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-05-24 22:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HonorableMention (user info) at 2005-05-24 21:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:24:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at wet toast.
---------------------------
You kinda lost me at broken glass though.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-24 18:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Incest is always good for a laugh. It's funny because it makes baby Jesus cry.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-24 18:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I spanked it to this.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-24 18:17:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just remember who's responsible for all of these +2s, ass!
"But Lucy, I don't want to write anymore. I DON'T WANNA!"
Now look at you.
Chump.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-05-24 18:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was so so wrong
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-05-24 18:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ewwww.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-24 17:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wrong... but funny
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2005-05-24 17:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-05-24 17:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahah what the fuck, this was gross but hilarious.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-05-24 16:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mao!, Mao!"
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-05-24 16:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a sneaky fucker aren't you?
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-05-24 16:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I giggled.
Am I wrong to giggle?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-24 16:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Joy.
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-05-24 16:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaa, this was funny.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-05-24 16:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...best thing I read here all day!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pussy flakes. After sex, I'm always covered in dried up pussy flakes.
Vaginal scabs, however, is a new one to me.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was this for the 15 minute Ubermadness?
If so plus two, if not, get help.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:48:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:20:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh holy hell that's sick and funny shit.
The WD-40 clinched it...
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You missed the best season finale in the history of television, Cally B.
I'm glad i'm not the only one who makes out with electrical sockets.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
horrible
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.
Submitted by Haggard (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:32:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at wet toast.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh holy hell that's sick and funny shit.
The WD-40 clinched it...
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely hilarious!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So random, but so hilarious.
You dirty fucking Mexican...how dare you blame anything on me?!?!?!?!?!
I just wanted to help you. Maybe next time I won't, ass.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title.... And now I'm going to read the story.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-05-24 15:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In my defense, I tried to end this post on a shorter, more uplifting note but Pentameter made me continue to write.