Ok, you dialed the wrong number, and I'm the asshole?! (1962 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.97 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2005-05-24 20:02:01 EDT
Apparently, one of my toll-free work telephone numbers is similar to that of an AT&T prepaid calling card dial-in number. Throughout the course of a day, I receive roughly 10 - 12 misdialed telephone calls. That doesn't even take into account the staggering amount of telephone call where the calling party on the other feels it is appropriate to hang up the phone without acknowledging that they are, in fact retarded and have fat fingers.
These calls are very irritating in that "you meet a hot girl at a bar, take her home only to discover that she's really a man," kind of way. Or, so I have heard.
People, in general, never cease to astound me. I watch people regularly and moonlight as a stalker / paparazzi. I would have to say that my favorite anomaly that people evidence would have to be the "I'm wrong and know I'm wrong, but you're still the asshole," factor. You may have witnessed this happen with everyday events like:
1. You're at the grocery store, moved completely to the side of the tampon aisle. A soccer mom, fueled on steroids, bonbons and the fact that she has to get home in time to catch the season finale of Lost, runs over your foot with an overburdened cart, overflowed with fat children and Hostess snack cakes. You look up just in time to catch her unapologetic look turn to one of abject malice. It's the look that she gives her husband when he asks if he can use his penis for the weekend.
2. You're at an intersection, stopped at a red light. It's a four way intersection, in which the traffic light parallel to yours turns green at the same time and it has no turning arrows. Right turns have the right-of-way to left, and bearing straight through the intersection has the right-of-way over all turns. You're going straight and have no turn signal on as would be prudent in this situation. As the light changes, the person across from you hurriedly makes their way to turn right, as you're coming through the intersection, almost causing an accident. They lay on the horn and consider you to be in the wrong. This should be punishable by eternal damnation and forced masturbation with the aid of superglue.
These instances are not limited to these occurrences, which brings me to the misdialing of a telephone number. Most people will reply after their discovery of a misdial, apologetically, say thank you and disconnect. There are the few instilled with a staggering amount of stupidity that will argue with the party reached in error, that they, in fact, dialed the right number. Here is an example of a call that I took today:
Me: "Thank you for calling __________, this is Terry. How may I help you?"
Moron: "I am trying to make a phone call."
Me: "Well, congratulations, you've succeeded. Your mother and father must be awfully proud."
Moron: "I'm not trying to call my mother and father."
Me: grunting in disbelief, "You have reached __________. Please check the number that you're attempting to dial and try again."
Moron: "You're telling me that this ain't AT&T?!"
By this point, the idiot on the other end is sounding exasperated, even though she has no clue what the word means. I realize that I can have a little fun.
Me: "No, what I am telling you is that you have fat fingers and that it's more than likely that you dial numbers on your telephone, two at a time. Sevens bleed into eights and so the prophecy is fulfilled. The coming of the horned beast is marked by the dialing of a wrong number. He will born unto me and so begets the end of days."
Moron: "I don't have fat finger and I don't bleed no AIDS. I don't have no time for no smartass operator. You want my calling card number, or not?"
Me: "It ends in 666, does it not?"
Moron: "There ain't no six in there."
Me: "Sixes are the curly little numbers that look like upside down nines. Check again."
Moron: "There ain't no sixes! It's 857 543 877 982."
Me: "NO SIXES! How am I ever going to get the horned beast out of the fiery pits of hock without a six?! That's like walking into a class five mage battle without level seven wizard armor and a highly trained attack midget with a Napoleon complex. Your calling card sucks. Get a new one."
Moron: "I JUST BOUGHT IT! It has to work. I am trying to call my sister in Loolville (Louisville is pronounced Loolville, in Kentucky)!!"
Me: "I grow bored with this game. Let me speak to Damian or face the full wrath of my demon powers. I read Spawn comic books and one time I bought a Ouija board."
Moron: "DAMIANNNN!"
Holy shit! And sure enough, Damian picked up the phone and I neared the completion of soiling my drawers.
Damian: "Why you tellin' my girl she got AIDS?"
Me: "Oh my Lord, Damian; you've already arrived. How may I serve you, my dark Lord?"
Damian: "Let her call her my sister. NOW, you smartass PRICK! I ain't black, either"
I hope that he was calling her sister, his own, for ease of conversation. Otherwise, it looks like Deliverance, the musical should look no further for their lead. My boss had entered my office when he heard the conversation turn towards the absurd. He was laughing his ass off. Here's where the conversation took a turn for the worse.
Me: "Sir, thank you for your patience. I have just shit my pants laughing at you and your inbred girlfriend / sister. Really, she dialed the wrong number, reached a business that has no affiliation with AT&T and you should hang up the phone and ask that she redial the correct number. I was just having a little fun."
Damian: "Are you sure she dialed the wrong number?! There's no one there that works for AT&T?"
Me: "For Christ's sakes, THIS IS NOT AT&T, DIPSHIT!"
Damian: "Why you gotta trick people and fuck with people like this? I could report you."
Me: "Boredom, and my own masochistic need for punishment. Think about who you're going to report me to. You're dipshit incestuous relationship spawned this event. She dialed the wrong number and now you think YOU can report ME?! Go shit in your hat."
Damian: "She didn't dial the wrong, you just picked up the wrong phone." <click>
Now, here's what the George Carlin calendar reads today:
EXPRESSIONS THAT I QUESTION:
"One thing leads to another. Not always. Sometimes, one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict."
User Reviews
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-02 19:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-22 19:06:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed, i cried, i put my own peener in my ass.
Submitted by the_grendel (user info) at 2005-12-02 18:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I could pull that shit at my job
Submitted by resignator (user info) at 2005-12-02 18:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yep
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-02 18:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man i wish I had more time to read your shit it's damn funny but I gotta get outta this office!!!
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-22 19:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed, i cried, i put my own peener in my ass.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-22 18:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Triffic.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-08-22 18:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this ages ago. Not sure if i rated and I'm too lazy to look.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-08-22 18:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Moron: "I am trying to make a phone call."
Me: "Well, congratulations, you've succeeded. Your mother and father must be awfully proud."
_________________________
HA! Awesome. We get the same shit, except they're trying to call Wal Mart. Dumb motherfuckers.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-06-30 16:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Attention.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-05-25 18:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I want some attention. Please pay attention to me.
Submitted by Snypavat (user info) at 2005-05-25 17:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuckin shit that was great.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-05-25 14:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I clicked the more link on Most Heated and here's my little post. I guess that there's a first for everything.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-25 14:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what you need to do is to get their number from them, and then YOU use it, preferably to call the weather phone, preferably in Hong Kong (or some other distant geographic location...)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-25 14:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"forced masturbation with superglue"....hahahahahaha.
Submitted by clumeister (user info) at 2005-05-25 11:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You look up just in time to catch her unapologetic look turn to one of abject malice. It's the look that she gives her husband when he asks if he can use his penis for the weekend."
+2 for that, I just about fell out of my chair :)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-05-25 10:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It begins again, today. Fucking hangups.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-05-25 09:46:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason I used to get calls for ticketmaster. At first it was really annoying, then I decided I would just sell people tickets. I would take people credit card #, and zip code, and say they got great seats. I especially loved people who asked if they could just mail me the check if I would send out the tickets, they were probably really upset when they never got them.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-05-25 09:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
T, you need to call me at some point.
My cell phone went for a swim. I lost all
my numbers.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-05-25 09:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-25 08:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nearly a +1 'cause you mixed up masochism and sadism.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-05-25 08:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-25 08:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Geez, Terry...
I was just trying to call my sister...
Why you gotta be so mean?
Submitted by absolutzero (user info) at 2005-05-25 06:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My number matched the Airport's number.
You can imagine the hell that must've happened.
I also reported crashing of three flights.
Am I Mean ?
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-05-25 01:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People used to call me thinking I was the police. I got many requests for accident reports. It got to the extent where I had to change my voice mail message because people would actually leave messages.
Stupid people should be shot.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-05-25 01:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. if i get a wrong number call asking for a female i like to say. "sorry she cant come to the phone right now as shes under my desk with my dick in her mouth". Actually i sometimes do that if they ask for a male too. hehehehehe.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-25 00:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yup - I've talked to them too.... apparently the phone number I've had for 4 years belonged to someone else last month...
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-05-25 00:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Terry rocks
Submitted by pushedbyboredom (user info) at 2005-05-25 00:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You picked up the wrong phone, asshole.
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-05-25 00:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Moron: "I JUST BOUGHT IT! It has to work. I am trying to call my sister in Loolville (Louisville is pronounced Loolville, in Kentucky)!!"
------------------------------------------
Well I'm from Louisville and the educated upper class, such as myself, pronounce it "LOO-EE-VILLE" but the ignorant masses pronounce it "LOO-UH_VULL"
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2005-05-25 00:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This pleased me.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-24 22:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-24 22:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Terry does a body good.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-05-24 22:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yeah...thats the stuff
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-24 21:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The intersection one pisses me off every time. I've been in the turning lane and barely made it through the yellow...and assholes still follow me through. I just don't get it. You're running the fucking red, asshole. You deserve to get pasted.
However, in winter in Canada, running the yellow is completely forgivable as you can't fucking stop.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your posts are so much funnier now that I've met you, and I cant explain why.
OH wait, yes I can... it's because you have this Mister Nice Guy image going on, and it's funny when we get to see inside.
I get wrong numbers all the time:
Caller "Is Joy there?"
Corn "No, you've got the wrong number?"
Caller "There is no Joy Lafantaine there?"
Corn "Well, if there WAS a Joy Lafantaine here, wouldn't I say "No, Joy isn't here" instead of "Sorry, you have the wrong number?"
Caller "Oh, is this 734-bla-blah?"
Corn "yes."
Caller "so..."
Corn "Would you like to talk about bunnies?"
Caller "--click--"
Now... I am unbelieveably proud of myself after such a phone call. I congratulate myself on my wit, humor, and intellegence.
Sad, huh?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good times
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I expect more posts like this. This amuzed me greatly, reminded me of the old days at Sears, Now known as Kmart or Sears? Fuck I dont know...
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so many great mental images...
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shitheads call the wrong number here all the time, too. They always ask the most stupid questions about their cars. I'm a mechanical engineer, not a mechanic. Maybe it pisses me off for not a good enough reason. <shrug>
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious to those that work or used to work on the phones. Fortunately, I have moved on to deal with the dregs of society face to face.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, thats awesome.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
actually.
louisville is pronounced
louie-ville to be exact
stupid french class making me into a smartass.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty cool, only thing, Louisville is pronounced Lou-evil (no pun intended in some stupid way).
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was amazing
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 live.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-24 20:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's the look that she gives her husband when he asks if he can use his penis for the weekend."
*Snap!*