The UberHouse (1143 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: uber-related
Rating: 1.6 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-26 11:45:25 EDT
Narrator: "Welcome to the UberHouse. We're in for an interesting six weeks, folks. For those of you who may not know, we've taken four women and four men from this great land of Uber, and put them all into a house together. We've cut off their contact with the outside world, and once they get over the internet withdrawals we're going to see some hijinks, I'm sure of it. Granted, the withdrawals are taking some time, and we've had Pentameter crying in the bathroom for almost 24 hours, but we're sure it'll calm down soon.
"Okay, I'm being told that we're almost ready to cross for our first look inside the house where the Uberites will be spending the next eight weeks, occasionally visited by intruders, fellow Uberites, and surprise guests. But before we do that, let's take a look at our housemates.
"The women have been chosen because, frankly, we can't see these four getting along for any length of time without maiming each other. We have Pentameter, a feisty young woman who's in a happy relationship; Circe, who is married with three kids and saw this hellish social isolation as a pleasant holiday; FilthyAssistant, who is considered by our psychiatrists to be "Most likely to paint the walls with her own bodily fluids"; and Ainkara, who is here hoping that the exposure and publicity will lead her into an acting career.
"The men, if you want to call them that, have been chosen for their humor and personalites, because let's face it, they're going to have to carry the show after the women have incapacitated each other in a fit of pre-menstrual rage. We have Donkey On The Edge, who, not coincidentally, is dating Pentameter; Tinactin, who is a relatively unkown quantity, having responded to all our questions with "My fish are dying" in 27 languages; Snark, who is disconcertingly obsessed with dead things; and BigMike, as the older, wiser "Authority figure", in the hopes that he can keep some semblance of sanity going in here.
"Okay, we're ready to cross. Remember, they've already been in the house for a full day. Oh - and we took away all their cigarettes and drugs."
(LIVING ROOM. Calm blue and green shades cover the walls, the floor, and the ceiling. We see our eight Uberites sitting on the pale green couch, staring dejectedly into space. They are in varying states of undress. FILTHYASSISTANT is wearing a caftan and a turban, humming Broadway show tunes, and DONKEYONTHEEDGE is stark naked, writing on his scrotum in felt tipped pen.)
CIRCE: I need a cigarette.
(Silence for about half an hour, as they stare, FILTHYASSISTANT hums, DONKEYONTHEEDGE writes, and the room stays green and blue.)
TINACTIN: Smoking is bad for you, you know.
CIRCE: Gee, thanks, twat. Because no-one ever told me that before.
TINACTIN: Also, it stinks. You know how much nicotine your hair has soaked up from your smoking?
CIRCE:.... Really?
TINACTIN: Yeah.
(CIRCE leaves the living room and walks into the kitchen. She takes a coke can from the trash, pokes holes in it with a fork, and then takes it and a pair of scissors outside. We hear her speaking, off camera:)
CIRCE: I'm smoking my hair through a can bong. Who wants in?
(SNARK, FILTHYASSISTANT, PENTAMETER, and BIGMIKE slowly walk outside.)
(Three hours later, we see the Uberites in the kitchen, poking at assorted food products on the counter.)
BIGMIKE: How the hell should I know? My wife cooks.
SNARK: I eat pizza, mostly.
FILTHYASSISTANT: Eat?
TINACTIN: Eating is bad for you, you know. Plus it smells.
CIRCE: Shut up, cunt.
AINKARA: I think we should work on some of our hostility issues. Who needs a hug?
PENTAMETER: Hug my boyfriend and I'll fucking rip you apart.
DONKEYONTHEEDGE: I'll cook, alright? Just.. fuck. Go and fucking drink something. There's a whole closet full of booze in the bedroom.
(The cameras vibrate due to the stampede towards the bedroom.)
(Four hours later: The kitchen has been destroyed. The Uberites are sitting/lying/crawling on the floor, eating spaghetti and custard which they miraculously worked out how to cook after the first three bottles of tequila were gone.)
CIRCE: I misssshhh my kids. Liddle.. cuties... heh... shoooo cute and liddle........
BIGMIKE: You all need to get cleaned up and off to bed. We have a big day tomorrow!
TINACTIN (blearily): Fuck off Bimmikey you old hack
SNARK: Hahahahahahahah I spilled my drink
FILTHYASSISTANT: I peed in the pool
(Silence)
AINKARA: Who wants to play Charades? I'll start. Now, this is a movie -
(PENTAMETER lurches off the floor, where she was sucking SNARK's drink out of the carpet.)
PENTAMETER (screaming): I have a movie for you! It's called no playing games with my boyfriend!
CIRCE: I'm gonna go and drink the poolwater
FILTHYASSISTANT: I'm going to go pee in all the beds
DONKEYONTHEEDGE: I'm going over the wall
NARRATOR: "And that's all we have time for this week! Come join us next week when we'll have an intruder come into the house with Roofies!"
(Caption: To enter for the chance to be next week's intruder, leave your name on this post)
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-22 06:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't really know where my rage came from there. +2, peace for all.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-22 06:42:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good.
I think that next big brother they should begin filling the house with water, so that the contestants fight over the high ground. Sooner or later the killing starts.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-11-22 06:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I not see this before? Yay!!
Submitted by gina (user info) at 2005-05-28 17:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:38:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I wander in really late, like I did to review this post?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-05-27 13:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to show up week five with a bag of vibrating things.
pretty please?!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Narrator: "After thirty seconds of pounding on the front door, CaptainThorns judo kicks the door down and crusades into the main living room, only to be nearly rendered unconscious by the vile stench of Filthy's fluids nestled inside the wrinkles of Donkey's Sharpie-etched scrotum."
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-27 04:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha... why wasn't I in it??
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-27 04:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
meh.
And by that I mean THIS FUCKING SUCKED WRITE ANOTHER SO I CAN BE ENTERTAINED!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-05-27 04:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pfft
I see how it is.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-05-27 04:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahem...
BWWAAAAHHHHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAAA!!
That being said, I'll bring plenty of spray paint and my favorite huffing sock.
Bananga
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-05-26 19:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
crap
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-26 19:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm fucking in. I would be of great benefit to everybody's time in the house. I have hidden 4 kilo's of compressed heads in my body-board bag, but I don't know how it got there.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-26 19:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was a good idea. I wouldn't mind being the intruder...THE ANAL INTRUDER!!
Gah! Where did that come from??
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-05-26 17:22:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha...I'm surly
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-05-26 17:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FILTHYASSISTANT: I peed in the pool
(Silence)
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-05-26 15:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU!!!!
PLEASE PUT ME IN!
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-05-26 15:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...
I want in.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-26 15:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:30:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:48:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
At least it was better than the real Big Brother.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-26 15:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:51:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
Stupid and boring.
You would be surprised to learn that this is not a winning combination.
____________
Circe,
you shoulda put in Sfagnum and some more Aussie fags, they'd be giving eat other Hot Karls in a moment!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-05-26 15:02:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll invade.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-05-26 14:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm perfect invading quality..... people still wonder who the fuck I am.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-05-26 14:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm in bitches..
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2005-05-26 13:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, can I be the host, and say things like, "Nice rack on Big Mike!"
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-26 13:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHITFUCK: I just finished assblasting all your moms.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-05-26 13:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FILTHYASSISTANT: I'm going to go pee in all the beds
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-26 13:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh - and want to read more, so keep on keeping on!
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good post.
Not your best, but nevertheless a good post.
Submitted by Obi-wan (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:57:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:51:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
Stupid and boring.
You would be surprised to learn that this is not a winning combination.
___________
No, that doesn't surprise me. I've read enough of your posts to make that connection.
-------------------------------------------------------
+2 for your response, that was very witty
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:05:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, that was a mistake on a colossal scale. Apologies to all, won't happen again, etc.
-------------------
You only focus on the bad. You're like me in that respect.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnn
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:48:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
At least it was better than the real Big Brother.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:30:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Xena (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not terrible. Not great either.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:19:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll volunteer to be the newbie that goes in the house. I can go in...be sarcastic to everyone, make fun of them and all their issues, and then leave. Your call
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great concept
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:16:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woohoo!
I'm a useless drunk surrounded by useless drunks!
Can you have Munkey sneak in... to my pants?
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright I thought it was funny.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hairycoo took a hairy poo and rubbed it on this post.
If you take requests, on the next episode please let me break into the house and rape some bitches.
Thanks.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, that was a mistake on a colossal scale. Apologies to all, won't happen again, etc.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:00:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that feels a little better
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-05-26 12:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCKIN GHEY
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:51:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
Stupid and boring.
You would be surprised to learn that this is not a winning combination.
___________
No, that doesn't surprise me. I've read enough of your posts to make that connection.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:55:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck it, I'm in....Hadley the Thief, bitches!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on. This was great.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This has a TON of potential.
The whole Pentameter sucking the drink out of the carpet thing made me laugh.
For the record, I'm a better cook than my wife.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:51:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
You're name-dropping to get good reviews. Mabye I wouldn't say that if I was in here...?
____________
Nope. I get good reviews anyway, for some reason. This is just because it amuses me.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just my luck to be stumbling drunk and broke through this neighborhood. I'm coming down the chimney to rummage through all your pockets for loose change and a copy of "Principles of Physical Cosmology" so I can navigate my way home.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, you are the man.
Well, woman. But that doesn't have the same ring to it though, you know?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:52:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't cook.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stupid and boring.
You would be surprised to learn that this is not a winning combination.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're name-dropping to get good reviews. Mabye I wouldn't say that if I was in here...?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I SO want in!! Calm serene hippies like me can be such a good influence..
Great post idea
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyone who wants to be an intruder, please understand that I'm going to charicature you, make fun of you, and just plain make stuff up. You're not allowed to get mad at me.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, way to make me look like a psycho YOU FUCKINGBITCHWHORECUNTASSFACESLUT!
Sorry...my meds wore off for a second there...hee hee....
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a sneaky intruder
watch me sneak (sneak sneak)
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
At least it was better than the real Big Brother.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-26 11:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! Fucking sweet