Beer and Mini-vans don't mix or Back Door Jody Strikes Again (491 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.46 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Twiddle is another name for a ~ (View user info) at 2005-05-27 02:44:06 EDT
I went out this past weekend to celebrate being dumped by my fiance of 5 years.
Of course I got shitfaced. That is how I celebrate all tragic events in my life. I had about 13 or 14 beers and a small bottle of whiskey.(I don't do product endorsements for free) I was hanging at this married chicks house, her husbands works away 2 weeks a month. Yeah, a little back door Jody routine I seem to have settled on.
Anyway I hang around untill 4:00am or so and leave, don't want to arouse suspicious neighbor activity. This is when the fun starts I am driving along country backroads at an slow rate of speed drinking a beer, no seatbelt mind you, and it happens I enter a familiar curve only this time it's not so familiar and I panic and lock the brakes up along with a sharp twist of the steering wheel I land in an amazingly deep ditch sideways. A complete 180 from my starting point, I take a bow, at first I feel nothing just shock and laughter at the fact I now have a perfectly shaped beer bottle size hole in my windsheild. I was trashed so it was funny at the time. Along with a bleeding forehead, a broken collar bone, and a fractured ankle. To top it all off I was in the middle of nowhere and stuck.
So I take off walking down the pitchblack road toward what I think will lead me to my brothers house. Some three hours and zero cars later I arrive,after 43 piss stops along the way and the realization i forgot to bring more beer with me, I knock on his bedroom window. I hear stumbling and staggering and he bolts outside to see me standing there pissing on his tire like the no good dog I am. Cue the preaching about drunken driving,from my younger than me brother, and pop's gonna smoke your ass when you get home talk. I am 25 so yeah i'm a living at home with my parents slacker, it is purely circumstantial though, I jumped from the nest years ago and the hook brought me back but that was my last post.
Back on the scene of my potential d.u.i. we try in vain to remove my Sky Blue 1997 Mini-van shagging wagon to no avail. We were in the country gotta be a tractor owning farmer somewhere. So we ride up the road and down and lo, and behold we pass a tractor. "Sir I was on my way to the 4-H meeting and i seem to have ran off the road would you mind snatching me out?" "Sure thing partner." Nevermind the fact i look like a "tree-hugging commie hippie" and had been within arms length of 0 cows ever.
I live in a redneck farm community but out of self respect choose not to participate. Getting back to the subject, the farmer pulls me out and I offer him some money and seeing as how I'm still a little drunk, a beer. Bad idea he threatend to "call the law on me" and I probably deserved it seeing as how so many idiots are killed and kill while drunk driving each year. He just lectured me about the evils and i listened until I'd had enough then I drop kicked him off his electric mule and ran over him twice. Then I stole his wallet and bought more beer.
The END
P.S. The moral of the story don't fuck married chicks even if they are hot!
User Reviews
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-27 13:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The story is worth reading, hence the 0 rating, but since you said it was mostly true I have to point out that any guy who fucks someone else's wife deserves no respect from anyone and also deserves to get dumped by his fiance.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Is that her, man?
Nice ass.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-27 06:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you kidding me?
Fuck Bush. Fuck 'em all.
I am planning expatriation, due to my severe love of the USA, and all the shit that is happeneing to it.
I am a member of the Intolerance party.
Submitted by Twiddle (user info) at 2005-05-27 06:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
rad i was reading your posts and found a way to draw you out
attack the W. don't worry we just cancled each other out in the last election but your guy still won
I VOTED FOR TWINKIES
I read a lot of your posts and i'm trying to learn to be the bestest writer ever I found plenty of inspiration in your writings and thanks for the +2
I am neither DEM OR GOP but I am wet panties flopping on the line I lean liberal but support wars of all kind it is a good population control device
PS Bring on North Korea we slap em between the eyes with our wmd's
Fuck abortion genocide rules
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-27 06:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Twiddle (user info) at 2005-05-27 06:23:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
So I take it people can post total bullshit about : suck it insert random target of the week, I was raped in the ass by your godmother on the next jerry springer or various other bullshit nothing to do with any type of literary value post. I make an attempt at black humour and I suck or I kill familys well you know what anyone who reads this and has lost a loved one to a drunk driver ,myself included, I'm sorry i wasn't driving the vehicle that killed them and wtf would a family of 4 be doing on a country road at 4:00am anyway unless they were, yep you guessed it ...........terrorists with wmd trying to blow this great land of ours up.long live W and his terrorist regime
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I started to see your point of view. I twisted my brain around and thought "black comedy, well if you look at it like that it would be kinda like black comedy if it had anything funny in it."
Then I thought "minus2"
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-27 06:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love love love love love when the opposition to the current administration is represented by morons such as yourself.
Get a clue - form your own opinions about things rather than spew the same recycled crap fed to you by pop culture.
Submitted by Twiddle (user info) at 2005-05-27 06:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So I take it people can post total bullshit about : suck it insert random target of the week, I was raped in the ass by your godmother on the next jerry springer or various other bullshit nothing to do with any type of literary value post. I make an attempt at black humour and I suck or I kill familys well you know what anyone who reads this and has lost a loved one to a drunk driver ,myself included, I'm sorry i wasn't driving the vehicle that killed them and wtf would a family of 4 be doing on a country road at 4:00am anyway unless they were, yep you guessed it ...........terrorists with wmd trying to blow this great land of ours up.long live W and his terrorist regime
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-27 05:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by IWasRaped (user info) at 2005-05-27 04:38:41 (#)
Ranking: -2
Won't it be great when you crash into and kill an innocent family while you remain unscathed due to inebriation?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is a well known fact that alcohol wraps drunk drivers in a protective force field that renders them immune to harm. It's called 'Beer Armour'.
Submitted by IWasRaped (user info) at 2005-05-27 04:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Won't it be great when you crash into and kill an innocent family while you remain unscathed due to inebriation?
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-27 03:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Twiddle (user info) at 2005-05-27 02:55:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
I am not an alter fuck
**********
Damn, I missed another "schooling".........damn.
Please continue
<joedaddysnicehousegotfucked>
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-27 03:13:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
why drunks? They have issues getting it up.
I just fuck other mens wives whilst sober, then drink to forget.
Submitted by Twiddle (user info) at 2005-05-27 03:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
O.k. point taken My writing lacks skill but please refer to my fist post. and you might as well -2 it again while your there i am not trying to start a battle and for the record 5 out the 10 post i read here are way lamer than a story meant to inspire the drunks of the world to unite in fucking other mens wives. the end
thanks for the constructive criticism. no bullshit
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-27 03:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Furthermore, if this story is true, and these are the actions you take in life, you really should consider taking your own life before you accidentally take the life of someone else.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-27 03:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fine, lets discuss the -2s.
1.The writing style is not very good. I would go as far as to say it outright sucks.
2.Your intolerance for the people in your community is apalling, when you consider the actions you take (either in real life or in this story) make you more of an idiot than the people you try to make fun of.
3.The story is completley uninteresting. I mean, christ man.
4.Did I mention the writing is pretty bad? Clean that shit up, boy.
Submitted by Twiddle (user info) at 2005-05-27 02:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ever here of sarcasm "don't want to arouse neighbors suspicions" is a prime example
Submitted by Twiddle (user info) at 2005-05-27 02:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am not an alter fuck i don't even know what this is but i do know rad seems to - 2 me as a religious practice. most of this is true all but the drop kick part anyway
rad eats some wheaties and then take a flying Fah-q
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-27 02:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, its a fucking alter.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-27 02:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No one will Ever notice you leaving at 4am........ahahhahahahahhaha.......
right.....ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa..........haaaaaaaaaaaa....burp!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-27 02:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are either a fucking idiot or this is shenanigans.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-05-27 02:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Hey kids, it's another alter.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY