waking dreams, sleeping nightmares (609 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.71 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <uberweiss.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-27 03:38:51 EDT
So what did I do today? Apparently good to keep a diary to measure progress so....
Well, let's see now, I woke up to find I wasn't crying - good start there, so I can skip the headache meds right off the bat. Sleeping pills still untouched - got like ten bottles by now, not one of them opened.
Got out of bed, always a bad move in my opinion these days but doc reckons it's step one in getting over the daily inertia so I do it.
Managed to floss, brush my teeth and wash my face without once looking at myself in the mirror. Accidentally caught a glimpse the other day and ended up two hours late for work. Boss didn't even say a word.
Ah yes, work.
That twenty mile walk down a ten mile corridor to my cubicle, wooden half smile prepared in case anyone's brave or stupid enough to greet me - yip, there it is, half hesitant, half over-cheerful "Hi there", and the ever present semi-sympathetic "Hey, how are you?" which speaks volumes for four words which are normally mundane and insincere. "Great!" I say, trying my utmost to put as much insincerity and mundanity back into the ritual as possible.
Got to my desk without having to make eye contact though - bonus points there.
Typey-typey-clickety-click.
Incorrect Password....hmmmm. Oh Christ, of course, I had to change it - doc's orders funnily enough. What did I make it again? Ah yes, couldn't decide, hit a blank so I called IT support - they reset it to something highly secure like "password"
Clickety click.
Oh God, I have to change it again? Those bastards, don't they realise I can't think right now?
Woah, almost breaking down over a password - ok...breathe....ah, I know....
"password1"
Cool, I'm in, major breakdown disaster averted.
No phone calls all morning and no meetings thank God. Boss walked past and almost hesitated at my cubicle but I pointedly ignored him and looked very busy, (typing up my Uber submission), until he left.
Hmm...so what else did I do today.
Ah yes, lunch, which I didn't do, but which I view 'not doing' as active participation on my part. A simple ritual twisted into a ridiculous display of social inadequacy by my peers. Not doing lunch, I argue with doc, is like not staying in bed. He always carries on about growth at that point but generally he can see I won't budge.
Oh hey, he'll be happy to know I paid my bills today. Did you know paying your bills is a sign of social responsibility? I sure as shit didn't...
Hmmm...well came home and didn't stop at the bottle store which is pretty much along the same lines as not staying in bed and not having lunch.
So here I am. That was my day. That's what I did.
And through all that I did something else too.
I missed her. Oh God how I missed her. Can I write that down too? It's okay to miss her isn't it?
The accident was almost a year ago - shit, a fucking year and it feels like I just got the call.
Everything I do every day is a little ritual pushed on me by society and the doc - get over it, forget it, move on, get back into life...
But I can't, you understand that doncha doc? The only reason I do it every day is so when I get home I'm tired enough to sleep, and when I sleep, I can dream, and if I dream, she might just be there with me - and THAT is more real to me than anything else. That's my reality, not this. This is the dream, the nightmare. Now you know why I don't take the sleeping pills. Can't dream when you're knocked out. Can't wake up from this nightmare.
So, right now, what I'm gonna do is put my head down, and hopefully I'll wake up. And tomorrow when I dream this nightmare of living without her again I'll do it all over again until something changes.
Either I stop dreaming, or I stop waking up.
UW
(Fiction)
User Reviews
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-27 10:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this is a good post. Liked the pic too.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
awesome post followed by awesome salvador deserves and awesome +2 but all i got are regular +2s.
-hadley
Submitted by mysterious.adventure (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
On many levels.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-05-27 07:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this really made me think.
thanks for that.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-27 07:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really moving.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-05-27 05:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was beautifully troubled.
Banga