Battle Scar (1353 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.89 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-27 08:08:21 EDT
"Have you thought any more about what we discussed last time?"
And he sits there, with his perfectly manicured hands crossed in front of him on his clutter free desk, and there's a poster behind him detailing common problems of the inner ear, and there's this one picture of a bug in the ear canal that's so sickening and fascinating I physically have to drag my gaze away from it and back to him.
"The laser surgery for the scar?"
A bug in your ear. Isn't that what they say when someone's annoyed? "He has a bug in his ear about something." Or a bee in your bonnet. Does anyone wear bonnets anymore? Amish women? Nuns? No, that's a wimple. Great crossword puzzle word, that one - 'wimple'.
"Yes. I was hoping you'd considered it further. It's a simple procedure, and we can minimise the look of it quite substantially."
Oh you foolish man. Why are you so eager for it to be gone? Does it make you feel guilty to look at me and see that puckered reminder of just how bad you guys fucked up?
"Look, I'm not really comfortable with the idea of surgery. I'm sure you understand."
And now he's nodding, benign, wise, all knowing, and suddenly I'm irrationally angry at him for daring to pretend he understands, because he doesn't, because he can't, because those well-schooled hands have never fought for life and held onto it by the fingernails.
And I want to say so much. I want to stand up in front of him, and tower over him, and make him listen. Grab his hair in my hand and hold his head while I scream and spray spittle into his face.
Because he doesn't know why I won't let him take away this scar. And this is why, and this is what I want to say, and these are the words that are burning on the back of my tongue like bile:
Because, Doc, first and foremost, you scare me. You sit there with your pale hands and your pressed shirt and your clever, empathetic eyes, and you scare the utter living shit out of me. I want to run away screaming when you smile and there is no way I'm going to be helpless and sedated and on any table, ever again. You killed me once, you and your kind. You said those words, that "simple procedure" mantra, and you held the form for me to sign, and you knocked me out and you fucked me up and I died under your clever clever hands, Doctor, and I'll be fucked if I ever let you do it again.
And the other reason, the real reason, the one you are never going to understand, is this: It is mine. These two inches of violet scarred flesh are mine. The indent at the hollow of my throat that used to be like gold-tinted cream, where my pulse used to flutter, where lovers kissed me and pendants hung, is twisted and ruined and will never be the same, and it is mine.
I fought for this scar, do you understand? You let me die and I came back. You kept me in a coma for three weeks, in a living hell inside my own head, trapped with my thoughts and oh fuck, Mr Doctor Sir, you have never in your sheltered life seen thoughts like mine, and you left me there with them for three weeks and I. Came. Back.
Hey, Doc, here's a fun memory. Remember the first time I woke up, with that thick clear tube going into my throat? I was kinda doped because of all the drugs you used to keep me silent and still, but I wanted to talk. I needed to talk. Remember how I fought so hard to push the words out that I burst half the capillaries in my face? Felt like I was screaming, Doc, but no sound came out and I didn't understand why. Bloodred stars against the grey-blue back-from-the-dead pallor of my face, you arrogant fuck, remember?
I died and so this scar is mine. I lived, and so this scar is mine. Three weeks in my own private hell, and so this is mine and you aren't going to take it away. It's mine and you can't have it, because you didn't earn it. You never held your hand over the hole in your throat so your voice would come out of your mouth. And you've never been in the shower feeling water trickle into your lungs.
And.
And.
And you've never been caught changing the dressing by your son, who was so fucking afraid of this gaping, weeping, open wound that he wouldn't come near you for three days.
It's mine. You took a lot away from me, but you can't have this.
Tick, tick, says the expensive clock in the corner. Ticking away the minutes of my appointment, and there's still a bug stuck in that inner ear over there, and that doctor's hands are still clean. There is no blood on his hands.
I smile and lift my chin a little. I'm not ashamed, Doc, see? This is my badge of honour. This is my battle scar. I fought, and I won, and here is my prize.
I pick up my bag and stand up.
"See you in a month, doc."
And then I'm gone.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-12 05:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this again.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-08-12 01:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are my new favorite.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-12 01:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking doctors.
Submitted by jinhenkim (user info) at 2005-07-13 02:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maganya (user info) at 2005-07-13 02:12:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First time I've read anything you've written. I just had to say I like the painting you do with your words on this post.
It's raw, red and visceral.
Good stuff.
Submitted by tyebud (user info) at 2005-07-13 01:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-05-28 21:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great piece of writing.
Submitted by gina (user info) at 2005-05-28 16:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
has anyone ever seen circe and bickerstaff in the same room at the same time?
does anyone else think they sound like the same person, you know, trying to sound different?
they both rock though
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-05-28 12:52:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Gnat (user info) at 2005-05-28 02:43:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
I just saw Captain Foamy on Day's of Our Lives
It was the the episode where he fucks your mother
===========
Gnat you worthless piece of shit.
Submitted by Gnat (user info) at 2005-05-28 02:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I just saw Captain Foamy on Day's of Our Lives
It was the the episode where he fucks your mother
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-05-28 02:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-05-28 02:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This from someone who once told me.....umm...what was it? Oh yes. You told me that your brain was broken.
Pshaw.
Nothing wrong with a brain that can send words down to the fingers that relay such raw emotion. Nothing wrong with your brain honey.
Nothing. You kick all kinds of ass.
I am in awe.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Girlie, you rock.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-27 18:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Badge of courage right there -
Wow. This rocked.
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2005-05-27 18:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is that thing, man, that thing that makes us covet
the worst moments of our lives, cling to them with a
religious fervor, and relish the suffering they
delivered on us...
Is all enlightenment gleaned through pain?
Must birth always hurt so fucking bad...
You know the answer, child, I guess we all do and aint that the truth.
Someday we'll add up the miles of scars into one long tapestry
and wrap ourselves in it; swaddled like children in a
torturous panacea, waiting for evolution to overcome us.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-27 18:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And yet you have the unbelievable audacity to say I'm a better writer than you.
Jesus fucking fuck. Have you read ANYTHING I've done??
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-05-27 16:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Powerful stuff. I love it when you come out guns blazing.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:31:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-05-27 13:27:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
your scar is sexy.
mostly because it's yours.
If I may ask, and I think you've explained this to me before but I can't remember it, but...
What was the supposedly "routine procedure" that they tried to do?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can only wish to write as wonderfully as you.
I bow.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-05-27 13:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your scar is sexy.
mostly because it's yours.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-05-27 12:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the reason I started at Uber.
This is the kind of writing I aspire to.
Holy fuck I wish I had something to say besides...
Thank You!
Thank You!
Thank You!
Thank You!
Thank You!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lets make a few battle scars together
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff. one of the few people on this site who can write, and does it.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking excellent writing. Thank you for putting something up on this board that was actually worth reading.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-05-27 10:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what? you didnt beat the ape shit out of the doctor?
it seemed like you were headed in that direction.
still, pretty cool.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-05-27 10:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:22:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
This writing is brilliant...breathtaking even...but you have an awful lot of anger inside you that, I think, eats you alive - and that's never brilliant or breathtaking. It's sad.
I hope you can find some peace in life, dude. I think you deserve some by now. """
And the prize for faggiest review ever goes to......
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-27 10:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-05-27 10:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-05-27 10:25:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-27 10:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:22:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
you have an awful lot of anger inside you that, I think, eats you alive - and that's never brilliant or breathtaking. It's sad.
___________
Fuel for the machine, Brad. Don't sweat it.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:49:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:32:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
you should write a real book circe (or have you) and be sure to enter UM- i want a girl to win.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll second that, although with capitalisation. Incidently if you ever want a sex slave/babysitter/au pair/HR professional/evil henchman/human plaything or you just have a hankering to hear a British person talk please let me know.
____________
A book? Oh jeez, getting out of bed in the morning is about the most sustained effort I ever make. A book would be beyond me.
And I need an au pair/sex slave in the worst way.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:45:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, that was a great wake up call this morning. Fantastic, stylized writing- just the kind that I love. You should tell me what it's like in a coma, if there are words for that sort of thing.
___________
Here - sorry for the linkwhore... http://www.ubersite.com/m/41962
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're the best.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:39:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Let's do it and get it over with.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How about next time we try to write something that doesn't make me vomit on my co-workers n'kay?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
F E I J U A D A, that spells moon!
Submitted by Rocktsrgn (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I'm angry and feeling like it's me against the world and I'll be buggered if I'll let the world win, because I'm better than that.
Basically, I'm trying to say that I adore your writing.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality writing.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I should stop reading your posts.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This writing is brilliant...breathtaking even...but you have an awful lot of anger inside you that, I think, eats you alive - and that's never brilliant or breathtaking. It's sad.
I hope you can find some peace in life, dude. I think you deserve some by now.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:18:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bloody hell my old bean!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chilling. Well done.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah-huh?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
absolutely fantastic.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:32:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
you should write a real book circe (or have you) and be sure to enter UM- i want a girl to win.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll second that, although with capitalisation. Incidently if you ever want a sex slave/babysitter/au pair/HR professional/evil henchman/human plaything or you just have a hankering to hear a British person talk please let me know.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:49:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, that was a great wake up call this morning. Fantastic, stylized writing- just the kind that I love. You should tell me what it's like in a coma, if there are words for that sort of thing. I loved this writing for some reason. Like I said, I'm absorbed by work that doesn't sound schooled and formatted. More like personal art than a journalistic recounting of events.
Bravo.
-Hadley
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know who this reminds me of? Ellie, from Tomorrow When the War Began.
If you haven't read the series by John Marsden, go read it. It's meant for kids, but it's still awesome.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should write a real book circe (or have you) and be sure to enter UM- i want a girl to win.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:23:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea how you do this. A moment like this that is so little to work with can be transformed into a moving, complex piece of writing somehow.
I want your brain.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Instead of suing doctors for malpractice, when they fuck up you should be allowed to cut them in retaliation. Just jam a scalpel into his throat and call it even.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I often think about the scars on my old girlfreind. She had scars from doing stupid stuff as a kid and she had scars from accidents, but my favourite scars where on her belly. She called them her baby scars and the skin there was so soft. I've always thought of scars as very beautiful.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-05-27 08:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck!