The Local Karate Dojo Thinks That I Have Children (2411 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.95 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JMG114 (View user info) at 2005-05-27 11:25:46 EDT
I was pouring my daily morning Cheerios into my daily morning bowl. Setting the box down, I stretched and scratched my ass, then (before pouring the milk) made my way to the front door.
The masonry of the front porch felt cool and damp under my bare feet as I reached for the lid of the post box. There is still nothing quite so wonderful as receiving snail mail. Something about it still tickles me pinker than a dog's member. E-mail is a dime a dozen, but finding that someone actually took the time to send me something through the post... it's very, very gratifying.
Bringing the small pile of circulars and coupon books to the kitchen table, I sat, prepared to enjoy the whole grain goodness of a balanced breakfast when a particular piece of mail in the pile caught my eye.
The mailing (as pictured below) was from a local karate dojo. Normally, I'd toss it aside, given that I can defend myself better than Fort Knox due to the fact that I've already cut my fingernails into the shape of claws and filed my teeth down so that they'd be all pointy. Also, I use copious amount of hairspray so that, when threatened, I can take a match and easily transform my hair into flaming hair. Still, something on this piece of mail captured my full attention. Can you guess what it was?
"This Summer is the Perfect Time to Introduce Your Child to Tae Kwon Do."
Wait now—you think—you think I have kids? You think that I have children? Am I suddenly in the "old-enough-to-have-kids-and-if-he-doesn't-he-certainly-should" demographic? The only reason I'd have kids today is to eat them. No, Mr. Karate Dojo master, I don't have kids. You know what else? I'm going to tell you so myself.
After my healthy meal, I strode out of the house and walked right to Richard Peng's Tae Kwon Do dojo. Striding to the front entrance, I knocked firmly on the glass door. There was no answer. Again, I knocked, a trifle firmer. Still no response. Peeking inside, I found that the dojo was dark and, upon further inspection, there was a sign on the front door that said, "Open at 1PM daily." It was 9 in the morning.
At 1PM, the lights went on and I knocked once more. From a back room, a slender young woman with black hair and dressed in a gi (karate outfit) turned to face me, forward flipped about five times toward the door, and opened it. She bowed as I entered, and a gong sounded from somewhere.
The inside of the dojo was floored in blue matting and has various soft obstacles and punching equipment. In the corner was a stack of boards, obviously for breaking.
The woman slipped behind the front counter and smiled politely. "May I help you, sir?"
"Yes," I began, leaning against the counter, "There seems to be some mistake. I received a mailing asking me to enroll my children into one of your karate classes."
She nodded heartily. "Oh yes, sir. We're very proud of our thirteen-step program for the wee ones. We walk your child through every step of the way, from white belt to black belt—"
"Yes," I interrupted, "I understand. The thing is though, it's really the funniest thing—I don't have a child."
"Oh, you have more than one? Well, in that case," she reached under the desk and pulled out a black vinyl binder, "You're going to want to enroll your children into our platinum multi-child plan. We cater to each of their needs, for a sensible price, of course—"
"No, you still don't understand. I have no kids."
"Well, in that case sir, I'd suggest—" She stopped her sales pitch and stared at me. "Sir you—I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly. I thought you said that you don't have any kids."
"That's right. I don't."
"Um... with all due respect, that's impossible, sir."
"What?"
She leaned closer to me. "How old are you, if I may ask?"
"I'm 25."
She leaned back and smiled. "Ah, sir's a practical joker, I see. Well, you sure pulled one over on me! Anyway, your children would probably love to enroll as soon as possible. If you could just fill these out—"
I held up my hand. "Look, lady. I don't have any kids. I'm not even married."
She slapped her hands to her mouth and her eyes grew wide with terror. Stepping back, I murmured, "What's wrong?"
"Sir, you're 25 and you're not even married?"
"No. Should I be?"
"And you're not joking?"
"Damn it, I'm not joking! You look around my age. Are you married with kids?"
"I've been married twice and I have five children."
"Well, that's not for me. In any event, I want off your mailing list so I can eat my Cheerios in peace."
The girl stood up and took a deep breath. "Sir, please wait here. Mr. Peng will be right with you."
"Thank you." Jeez. If you want anything done in this town, you have to put the muscle on. Christ, was it really that strange that I didn't have kids, much less a wife? What's the big hurry?
A tall man with cropped hair with three black belts around his gi walked into the room, bowed, and approached me. He extended his hand. "Good morning, sir. I'm Richard Peng."
"Hi Mr. Peng. I just wanted to clear this whole thing up."
"As do we. Melody is in shock in the back room."
"I didn't mean to upset her. I just want to—"
"Of course, you want to enroll your children. I don't really understand why you'd try to trick Melody into believing that you didn't have any, but—"
"Damn it, Mr. Peng, I have no children! I've never had children! I probably don't even want children! No kids! No karate! No more mail from your damn dojo! That's all I came here for!"
"You—you're serious?"
"Yes!"
Richard Peng frowned. Suddenly, he drew into a fighters' stance. "Very well," he muttered.
"What's this?"
"If you have no children, then you must fight me. If I win, you have to go home and have kids right away and then enroll them in my dojo. If you win, then I'll climb back into my own mother's uterus and never teach karate again."
"What the—are you for real?"
"I'll give you five seconds to prepare."
"I—but, you—are you kidding me?"
WHAM! A roundhouse kick smashed firmly into the side of my head. I landed on the surprisingly comfortable blue floor mat and rolled away just as Peng jumped with the purpose to land on top of me.
His feet smashed through the floor at the spot where my chest had been only seconds before. As he struggled to free his feet, I circled behind him and started punching the back of his head.
"Ow, my fuckin' head!" he yelled as he jumped out of the floor and wheeled on me with a flurry of punches. I ducked, rolled between his legs, and ran for the pile of wood in the corner of the room.
With Peng right behind me, I began throwing the wooden boards at him. With a clean chop at each one, he easily made short work of them. I was stuck with nothing left to throw, and he had me cornered.
"Now," he cackled, "Children for you!"
He leapt but didn't count on my razor-sharp talons, dragon-like teeth, and inflammable hair. As he sailed at me, I pulled a lighter out of my pocket, set my hair aflame, and pointed all of my sharp ends in his direction.
All too late, he screamed, "Aaaaagh!" as he impaled himself on my plentiful fingers. I took a swift bite out of his forehead, and then dipped my head so that my hair-flames would be in his face.
"No!" he yelled, "You've forever indented my forehead and disfigured my face! Nooooo!"
He struggled fruitlessly to escape. After I was content that he was far too weak to be any further threat, I allowed him to slide off my fingers. He stumbled backward, clutching at his multiple wounds.
"Damn," I pointed, "You look like hell."
"Graaagh!" he spat, "You may have won this time, but we shall meet again!"
"Don't you have a vagina to climb into?"
He clenched his teeth at me, then shouted, "Mom! Get out here!"
Melody walked in. When he turned around to face her, she gasped and turned white. Before she could react any further, he bent down, picked her up by her ankles, split her legs like a wishbone, and began stuffing himself back into her crotch.
"Not again!" she wailed as the giant man climbed into her canal.
His voice echoed as he called to me, from inside of Melody's distended belly. "I hope you're happy! Now get the hell out of my dojo!"
I went back home, content to continue living in my childless existence. Whoa.
User Reviews
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-06-11 16:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2005-06-04 17:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bored at Work, IMO.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-01 01:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Psh. You should have just been like, "I'm Chinese. My kids already know Karate. KYAH!"
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-05-30 18:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucking awesome I couldn't stop laughing.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-29 01:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-28 11:34:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe instead of moving to Boston, I could move into New York, and we could live together in a totally non-ghey way...
YOu know, you bringing your J-Dates home, me making pretty costumes for my left hand...
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to be a brown belt in kenpo. That was like two hours ago. Got kicked out for coming to class drunk. I thought my instructor was Bruce Lee, so I challenged him to see who could do the most push-ups. He beat me by three, so I was banished forever. Just thought I would share.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-27 18:10:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Ow, my fuckin' head!"
I don't know why, but that part really amused me.
Submitted by Or_ (user info) at 2005-05-27 17:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-05-27 16:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been TRYING to tell you the dreaded Talons and Teeth technique is vastly superior to any that Tae Kwon Do teaches. You have done well.
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2005-05-27 16:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He leapt but didn't count on my razor-sharp talons, dragon-like teeth, and inflammable hair. As he sailed at me, I pulled a lighter out of my pocket, set my hair aflame, and pointed all of my sharp ends in his direction."
I don't know what you're on, but I want some
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-05-27 16:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am in awe of your technique, can I train under your tutelage Sensei JMG?
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-05-27 16:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ow, my fucking sides. I'm laughing, alot.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-27 16:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That didnt happen!
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Keanu (sp?) Reeves reference and because I am also 25 and have no wife or child(ren)
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My Nigga.
Submitted by DaBaddestHic (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure genious with the mother thing. Sorta makes me wonder how many times he's crawled back up there...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart vs. Australia
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-05-27 14:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-27 13:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FINISH HIM!
Submitted by roland.flakfizer (user info) at 2005-05-27 13:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'll give you five seconds to prepare."
"I—but, you—are you kidding me?"
WHAM! A roundhouse kick smashed firmly into the side of my head. I landed on the surprisingly comfortable blue floor mat and rolled away just as Peng jumped with the purpose to land on top of me.
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The story was believable until then... I mean, come on, it took you five seconds to say THAT? I'm calling shenanigans! :-)
Submitted by Worm (user info) at 2005-05-27 12:55:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hooray!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-05-27 12:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-27 12:41:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why are all Jews so fucking funny?
__________________
Now, that is comedy.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-27 12:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Started out a little weak but ended up very stylishly.
Why are all Jews so fucking funny?
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-05-27 12:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am really getting sick of +2 your posts already.
Make a crappy one once in a while!
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-05-27 12:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Ow, my fuckin' head!"
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-05-27 12:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Despite the fact that you interchanged Karate (noble of arse-kicking coolness) with Tae (slightly less noble, and nowhere as good), this post was funny enough to get you the +2 anyway.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-05-27 12:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jack talk thai, very well
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The -1 was just a jab, you get +3 for awesomenes, and another +2 for regret.
<*removes lips from your buttocks*>
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so sorry, I meant to leave a +2, honest. I love you, man.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the greatest thing i will read all day.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He leapt but didn't count on my razor-sharp talons, dragon-like teeth, and inflammable hair. As he sailed at me, I pulled a lighter out of my pocket, set my hair aflame, and pointed all of my sharp ends in his direction."
Does Jared have large talons?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 blurry faced children
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:38:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
-1 for confusing Kararte with tae kwon Do, but ah what the hell you're only white, right?
Where are those damed fighting midgets when you need 'em?
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That's the point. The post is supposed to be a humorous jaunt. I, however, am in agreement over the fighting midgets.
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rule.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
-1 for confusing Kararte with tae kwon Do, but ah what the hell you're only white, right?
Where are those damed fighting midgets when you need 'em?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-05-27 11:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How could this have no ratings? "no children for you" is a great line. Here's a haiku I recently wrote.
The trash-can baby
Bundled up in soy packets
Has no MSG