Not Like You Knew (931 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.05 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <deisangua.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-27 23:44:59 EDT
I used to post here. Somewhat frequently, though I was never a Loki. Really. (I still love your politics, baby).
If you, dear reader, don't get that, your brain is obviously on self-ego mode. Give me a -2 or whatever passes for an insult on Ubersite these days and get the fuck out of my face. Jack off on your own words or whatever it is you do to pacify your self-love.
Then again, Loki may not even exist anymore. Odd, but then...reality is always changing on me.
So hi. I'm an insane ex-poster.
Granted, I wasn't insane when I first started posting here. I think. It was a gradual thing. But I am no longer in league with the Loki's and SpikeGoddess's of the world. If I gambled, I would say they could prove themselves better humans than YOU. But I, I have gone off the fucking deep end. In ways most "logical human beings" would think was insane. SpikeGodess, of all people, knows what that means.
Yes, Spikey, it's gone that far. Aren't you glad people are cynical enough to be sheep? It makes the pain less if they don't get it. They can regurigitate a self-aggrandizing answer. They are still far more vulnerable to me than their ego would ever let them except. But you'd get it. The seriousness. I know so.
I love it that you get that, and they don't.
Oh, by the way, people....I have not posted in over a year. That makes me so out of chic that even a newcomer can feel safe insulting me. Shoot, hit, kill. I'm an easy mark. Really.
Not like I was ever in chic, anyways. Come on. y'all...I have a flashing neon sign above my head that says "Easy target."
Naw. Not mega-Uberman. I am not about to pretend I ever was. Knowing for sure I am better than most...and can prove it when challenged...is more than enough for me. Victory over popularity. Over honor, even. That's my fucking motto. If you're a smear of blood in the dirt, I don't give two shits if your fan club is waiting in the wings. You are the slime you are.
Yeah, so why post now...after a year.
The answer is pathetic, actually. Bart, you listening? You like pathetic.
Ubersite is the only place I can honestly say I am going fucking insane, and reality will pay for it. Actually, it is the only place people are so egocentric that they would never believe me.
It's the only place that doesn't give a shit if I am right or wrong. Everyone around me would say "No, you're just...whatever". Ubersite, at least, wants to believe the worst of all people. But, being Ubersite, most people don't know what the worst of people is. Fairy tales. Terrorsists in the desert somewhere. Ha fucking ha. Yeah, chica. Danger is a few countries away. Really. No, it isn't in your back yard.
Don't look now.
I remember why I first came here, now. Cynicism. Masochism too (on my part.) The fact that people trying to cause me pain have always amused me. Made me feel superior, because it becomes obvious in less than a sentence that most people don't actually get what true pain can be.
Sound melodramatic? It would. To you.
Come on. Hit me, bitch. I am fucking gone in the head. And sadly enough, Ubersite isn't enough. I could be deadly serious...and some nutwad would be:
"Oh, you think YOU'RE insane, well I'VE got something to you prove about how insane people are..."
Yeah.
I've missed the utter idiocy that is Ubersite. I admit it.
User Reviews
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2005-05-28 16:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
p.s.----You're right, people who have not experienced it CANNOT understand it. I know that because I thought I could understand until I experienced it, then I realized just how far beyond the realm of normal human experience the things I went through were(are). If you seek understanding in the wrong places you will break and rebreak your heart...(break and break and LIVE by breaking...I don't know maybe that's why I do it to.) Even between iniciates into the world that you and I have entered, there is never a certainty of understanding, because we can never know the world of another.
You are a unique and precious constellation of genetics and environment---valuable, rare, irreplaceable. You are resilient. So are those you have hurt. Even death creates its opposite, Life, more abundantly and fully than our pallid experience here could ever hint at. (Though we must have them. The reason why still eludes me, but I think that we must be made of flesh to experience loss and pain, which perhaps are the keys to something...)
The only thing that has kept me alive has been the willingness to accept myself at the moment EXACTLY as I am, regardless of how different that may be from how I was ten minutes before, or of the acts I committed a year ago. Sometimes I've been able to just ride the bad days like waves, washing up the next day relatively unharmed. The less you fight, the more flexibly you'll be able to ride the surges and swells.
This feels so strange. Do not doubt that my caring is sincere and that your life matters. If it can matter this much to me, a perfect stranger, it must matter to the world more than you can know. If there is anything I can do, please ask.
Remember---acceptance no matter what you have thought, what you have done, how dark it has been or currently is. I promise.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2005-05-28 16:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Deisangua,
I was thinking of you recently. I don't know why it came to me, but something about Florida and your engagement...I think I was checking emails and remembering when we used to write eachother. You were such a support to me during a very difficult time. Thank-you so much for that, by the way.
Regardless of any scarlet letter that you wear, I accept you and I believe in you. There is *nothing* you could have done that would make me lose that acceptance of you. I know that you think otherwise, but that is YOUR judgement, not mine. I spent a lot of time judging myself and the world in terms of 'good' and 'bad'. Then I was reading Joseph Campbell and he spoke of a journey he took to a very learned guru. The guru asked him, "What is your question" as is customary. Having given it tremendous thought, Campbell asked, "If all things are God, then how can we say 'no' to anything? How can we say no to cruelty, torture, starvation....all of the 'evil' in the world?" The guru looked back at him and said, "For you and I, the answer is to say "Yes." I say yes to you as a whole, regardless of anything you may have done. If it were mine to give, you would have the forgiveness that you seek, but it will elude you until you can give it to yourself.
I really need to talk to you. Email me at aradiasdaughter.at.yahoo.com, or at my NYU address if you still have it. When it wouldn't be blasted out for the public to see, I will give you a phone number where you can contact me, if you wish.
I wish I could do something more than understand the madness. I cannot heal myself with that, let alone help someone else. All I can do is say that there will come a time when you will look back and be so thankful that you just got through it. That's all you can do sometimes...get through it and hope that the next day, week, or year will be better. That's where I am today. If things had gone as I wanted them to a month ago, two weeks ago...well, I wouldn't be here to write you. I would have destroyed my own hope and chances, but I also realized today that I can also be a mask for the hope that someone else feels in their heart. So can you. Please help that hope to survive, regardless of what else must survive along with it. I do not judge you. Anyone who does is simply not to the level where that guru would say, "for you and I, we must say 'yes'"
Please, take care of yourself to the best of your considerable abillity. If you no longer feel capable of doing so, there is NO SHAME in going somewhere where you can be helped, where your physical body can be protected from your mind. It is not fun, but if it's what you need to survive, it's completely worth it.
Dance when you're broken open,
Dance when you've torn the bandage off
Dance in the middle of the fighting,
Dance in your blood,
Dance when you're perfectly free.
~Rumi
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-05-28 16:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Try harder drugs. Or maybe, start a cult. Cult leaders kick ass.
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2005-05-28 15:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've been here longer than anyone realizes. my original user number is in the lower 3000's, and has a positive rating somehow.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-05-28 14:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm not exactly old on this site but i'm not really all that young with regards to this site.
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2005-05-28 13:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm so much better than you.
Happy, pussy?
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2005-05-28 13:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
God, I was so fucking plastered last night. I cannot believe I wrote this shit.
Woo hoo, go me...
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2005-05-28 12:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can we petition to brign SpikeGoddess back? I really miss her, if I miss anyone on Uber.
-Hadley
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-05-28 12:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I cant believe I read this masturbatory piece of shit. Im not sure if you're aware of this, but Ubersite is a FUCKING WEBSITE. Oh, so none of us understand your problems or care about you? And those who do care about you are deemed "better people"?
If you want to talk about ego, you might want to start with a mirror. Your post is laden with references to your superiority to most of the people on here. When somebody insults you, then you knew it would happen? Well, arent you a genius. You're one step ahead of all of us. Boy, I'm sure glad you are on our side. Go Joe!
You have two halves fighting for control? That's pretty complicated. None of us are qualified to understand your vast emotional depth.
Ubersite is a forum where people go to be entertained. Anyone who has any emotional investment at all in it obviously is insane. There is no logical reason for anyone to care about you, unless they know you. Do you concern yourself with the marital problems of strangers at the supermarket?
Of course, none of this will matter to you. You'll "expect" to hear everything I'm saying, and like a chess master you can see all of my moves coming a mile away. The difference between you and I is the fact that I don't care whether or not you see them. If I was trying to give you something you've never seen before I'd be out breeding Unicorns. I am just writing a review on a shitty post. No more, no less.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-28 08:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. Just... wow. It's the pseudo intellectual pop psychology phrases that really scream to me "Well, here's a thinker."
Take your pain and choke on it like the rest of us. You don't know me. I don't know you. And if you think my not caring about your drivel makes me a bad person, you should see me beating small children with frozen kittens.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-28 02:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-28 02:16:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, god! Respond! You didn't shoot yourself, did you? Um... sorry?
Hello?
================
oh siren, you bitch. look what you made her do.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-28 02:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I think I'm insane too for reading the slaveringly obsequious replies to this indulgent piece of pap. As I said, you can't be insane if you think you're insane, and stop acting like Uber is a single demographic you can apply wide-ranging judgments to.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-05-28 02:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"This place is ten times worse than how you left it.
What exactly are you here for?"
I think that he's here for exactly that.
He'll know what I'm talking about.
Gosh Anansie, long time, no see.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-28 02:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, god! Respond! You didn't shoot yourself, did you? Um... sorry?
Hello?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-05-28 02:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Saaaaay...... yeah, I remember you.......
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course I will find nothing here. Did you both not read my post? I know this. Ubersite is the emptiness...the non-caring death of world psychology.
What else was I saying? Did I mince my words?
I know you don't care. Never will. Hence, both Loki and Spike make bettter people than you. BigMike is an exception. He has hardocre, paradigm reasons. Super-mega-kudos to that. Seriously. He could back it up with the philosphical equvalent of a sledgehammer.
You, on the other hand, just want me to go away. I can do that, and I probably will. Out of sight, out of mind, you know. Don't think I know that?
I keep saying it...Ubersite is about ego, not people. I have known that from day one. That is why it is the perfect place for self-flagellation. It is too easy.
Then agian, this I know for sure:
You'd butcher me for the scarlet letter I carry. I have carried it since I was ten years old. Play psychologist all you want.
I know better.
-------
Indeed, I read your post. But, I have news for you. Ubersite is a forum of strangers spread throughout the continents. Of course most of us don't care. The rest of the billions of people on Earth who do not know you don't care either. Why? It's not because they're inhuman, it's because people have their own problems, families' problems, friends', communities', and inner demons' problems to deal with first.
I know you did not come here for a solution. But let me tell you something- NEVER assume anything. Please do not assume that had you been rational that I would never have cared for you. I have a number of people on this site that have become friends to me.
I also never said that I wanted you to go away. That is all. I probably won't notice if you do, honestly. But that does not mean that I am heartless, cruel, or "the non-caring death of world psychology." The fact that you assume so offends me.
You are right when you say Ubersite is not about people. It is about sharing ideas. Sharing ideas has always been about "look what I think." If you take that as ego, sobeit.
One more assumption you make is that I would slander you for problems you've had since you were 10. I'm through being your ideal Evil person. Do not tell me how prejudice I am. You don't know anything about me. Therefore, you are accusing me of things without care. This makes you a hypocirite.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you misunderstand me. i was talking from a different point of view..from inside your own head. "won't find help here" etc.
Genuinely wish you well in your mission here. have fun. The last part was the true message:
Sometimes the 2nd voice gets suprised.
What do you get when light is weaker than dark? Not twilight.
Fog.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't understand the rationale.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Siren, and GodChicken,
Of course I will find nothing here. Did you both not read my post? I know this. Ubersite is the emptiness...the non-caring death of world psychology.
What else was I saying? Did I mince my words?
I know you don't care. Never will. Hence, both Loki and Spike make bettter people than you. BigMike is an exception. He has hardocre, paradigm reasons. Super-mega-kudos to that. Seriously. He could back it up with the philosphical equvalent of a sledgehammer.
You, on the other hand, just want me to go away. I can do that, and I probably will. Out of sight, out of mind, you know. Don't think I know that?
I keep saying it...Ubersite is about ego, not people. I have known that from day one. That is why it is the perfect place for self-flagellation. It is too easy.
Then agian, this I know for sure:
You'd butcher me for the scarlet letter I carry. I have carried it since I was ten years old. Play psychologist all you want.
I know better.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:29:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, you do seem to have the self-involvement and huge ego of a megalomaniac.
This place is ten times worse than how you left it.
What exactly are you here for?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Ubersite is the only place I can honestly say I am going fucking insane, and reality will pay for it."
I understand what you're saying. But, if this statement is true (along with the rest of the post) then you may want to... perhaps... stay off of uber forever. Also, you sound like you need a therapist. I am not being sardonic or cruel, here. I'm replying to your post with complete sincerity. If this site seriously makes you insane, I'm guessing there was some mental stability issues before you ever viewed your first post here.
Now this is part is not meant to be nice. How dare you come here and tell us that WE made you insane? How dare you ask Bart if he's listening to your cries of pain? Just because YOU cannot handle some internet retards does not make that anyone else's problem but your own. Don't blame me, Phallic, Bart or WalMart for being out of 12C Midnight Black hair dye. You can only help yourself. It is entirely your choice.
Bart, you're a bad bad man. For shame... creating a site where people can leave open opinions for others to read. Ok, that was meant to be sardonic.
You have problems. Work them out as your own burdens.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
tricky tricky.. you won't find help here..no validation either.
But just sometimes that 2nd voice gets taken by suprise.
Gotta go. I'll peek back later.
fix yourself.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Maybe it is simply that. There is dark, and there is those who would dare the dark...and I find something of value in both."
I can understand this.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:15:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You are a gem, GodChicken. I knew Spikey respected you; now I know why. I mean that.
My problem is that the second voice is in control now. I used to be one of the bad guys...then one of the good guys. I am not, anymore. I used to think good was stronger.
I am not seeking validation. For some reason...it is important to me that you understand that. I do not know why. I am not seeking a return. Or am I? Fuck, this is hard for me to know.
Maybe it is still a crossroad. And I have come here, to Ubersite, which I have long considered the dregs of humanity save for the few shining lights, like you, and BigMike, and Spike. But what...Ubersite is hardly something would base life decions on.
Perhaps I look for sanity.
Maybe it is simply that. There is dark, and there is those who would dare the dark...and I find something of value in both.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, I looked over a bit of your past stuff, and you're right. You write pretty well. Now that you're crazy or deluded or whatever, I hope that your reasonably good writing clashes with whatever mental chaos you're presently experiencing. I hope it makes for a good show.
+1 because I don't buy that you're crazy.
We'll see though. Prove it to us.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:54:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
BigMike, I respect you tremendously as a writer, but also as a thinker. So I know that you know here are few places better to go for abuse than this.
There is probably no better place. I question the whole "self flagellation" mentality. I guess I don't understand the need for abuse.
Seems to me that the need for approval is why this site is here. For most anyway.
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-05-28 01:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"If you, dear reader, don't get that, your brain is obviously on self-ego mode."
I really wish more people would return to Uber after they reach Enlightemnent to guide the vulgar masses here. But hey, Daniel Jackson - DIE ALREADY!
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This sound familiar?
=====================
Sometimes you just slip.
One day everything is going fine, the next, everything is a threat.
Actions, ideas, stressful situations seem to pile up like dark
thunderclouds directly overhead.
It all conspires to push you down, and you're dealing with it. You're
standing tall and got your eyes on that break in the clouds far off in
the distance. You can see the rays of the sun peeking through.
One tiny little thing causes you to slip and fall. And then everything
crashes down on you at once. Spiraling into a depression that deep can
really suck. It sucks even more when it happens so fast..no more than
an hour or two.
When this happens, you start to feel like a caged animal. You lash out
at anything that comes near. Help is totally unwanted. The thought of
not being able to make it on your own fills you with rage and a deep
self-disgust.
That's the dangerous part.
It makes it hard to think. Before long, you've got a separate thought
stream running in your head. Every thought you have is immediately
countered with another, bitter, nasty, and cruel. It has no redeeming
quality.
It lashes your mind like a slave owner's whip, over and over. Soon you
begin to understand what the "cutters" are talking about. Pain
releases endorphins. You drug your own mind. That first instant of
contact, whether blade or fire, is almost sexually intense. It brings
you up like a balloon. You'll crave it for the endorphins it gives
before long.
It's not enough.
The inevitable crash comes and even being awake brings a foul taste to
your mouth that can't be washed out with a toothbrush or mouthwash.
Even alcohol doesn't do it. Vomiting helps a bit, the metallic tang of
bile rinses it out for awhile. Maybe because it hurts to do it.
Metal..metal... what else is around the house that's metal? Oh yes..
daydreaming about the cool metallic taste of that gun in your mouth
soothes you. Just thinking of that taste rinses that filthy sourness
out. Even that nasty second voice in your head is quiet with delight.
It likes the idea just as much as you do.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BigMike, I respect you tremendously as a writer, but also as a thinker. So I know that you know here are few places better to go for abuse than this.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GodChicken, if I had easy anser to that, don't you think I would have taken care of it by now?
Okay, maybe you don't have that much faith in people. I certainly would not blame you if that were the case.
I just don't know. Okay?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So if this is 2005 A Drug Odessy, just what exactly is your fucking problem, HAL ? :-P
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit, Big Mike...there is NO place built better for it. You have to know that. It's as close to Brave New World as I can get in this country.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Trying for a typo record there...If I had to bet, I'd bet I failed.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, now, GodChiken, tat's a perfectly respectable answer.
Glad to know you get it.
But I've got self-flagellation down to an art. And you've got to admit, Ubersite only encouages it.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Don't use Uber to flagellate yourself further."
I agree.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loki is still here, so am I. Spikey, however, is not. Though I will pass the message to her.
The most fucked up thing is recognizing your own sickness and knowing you can't do anything about it.
The best thing is that recognizing it is the first step in getting better, too. You have to be able to tell them what's not functioning right.
Don't use Uber to flagellate yourself further.
Stay away.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
P.S.
........Learn the difference between "accept" and "except".........
Thank you for pointing this out. I had already caught it. But Ubersite doesn't have a "go back and edit your English, bitch" button.
Then again, I like it like that.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read this and felt retardeder than I already am.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you Phallic.
You have, without a damn bit of doubt, justified everything I just said. You are my audience.
Bless you. Or something.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Self-Ego" is not a word.
Learn the difference between "accept" and "except".
A fundamental criterion of insanity is an absence of self-awareness.
You seem to have an awareness of "True Pain" from the perspective of an educated member of the first world.
These things seem to indicate that you are a self-aggrandising pseud whose mediocrity is so painful that you exaggerate your own unimpressive features in an attempt to feel important or valuable.
This post reeked of Emo, and I fucking hate that smell.
If you want some more information on your apparent condition, may I refer you to some great group therapy websites:
http://www.tubgirl.com
http://www.goatse.cx
http://www.lemonparty.org
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey bob. It's been sucky. I've destroyed more lives than Ghengis Khan while attempting to destroy my own.
How have you been?
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-05-28 00:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. whats up man? havent seen you around.
hows it been?
Submitted by mysterious.adventure (user info) at 2005-05-27 23:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I believe you. Seriously. I can see what you're saying, even though I've been on uber for less than a month. If you need someone to talk to you can email me at mysterious.adventure at.gmail.com
Hope all goes well for you.