As the world turns (468 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.3 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MegaManfre (View user info) at 2005-06-02 09:06:13 EDT
Well, to start of a rather shitty post, to my real return (as noted by changing my homepage back to Uber, at least at work, once again) to posting, I figure I would share a small bit of whats been going on, only to lead into my story, or tall tale, or flat out lie. Either way, it should prove entertaining only to me, and dull to everyone else. Lets start, shall we?
I got a promotion about 6 months ago. I now lead a team of 3 other people. Well, technically 2.5 people. We all basically do the same crap, making sure vendors get paid. I just get paid more and have a higher bonus. I still work in a cube, actually, I share a cube with one of em, the cuter one, so its not management, but its still better than doing what we do, and getting paid what they get paid.
We just hired a new person about a month ago, shes the .5 of a person. She helps out 2 areas, mine, and another area in accounting that pays employees for reimbursements and stuff, not payroll. She works 50/50 with both teams. My team is larger, and by far, the coolest.
You see, shes a moron. Its true. In her job description, I put "moron" and "nitwit" because shes just so fucking stupid. Heres an example!
In her second week, she had been talking to her girlfriends over the phone about a dress (shes 19 and therefore, a fucking teenager) and said she would show it to them when she saw them later (shes also portugese, which means she was talking in portugeses with them, and Im assuming thats what she said. It was gibberish to me) and prints the picture. About 15 minutes after printing the picture I hear frustration at the copy machine. Frustration, if you dont know, sound a LOT like anger being forced through a very small hole. Its better known as whining. So, to stop the noise, I go over and ask whats wrong. She says, very straight faced, "Im trying to add color to this, and the copier isnt working."
"What?"
"The picture of a dress, I wanted to make it color so my girlfriends can see it."
"Its black and white."
"I know, but Im copying it on the color copier."
"Oh. Its black and white though."
"I know, its not working on the copier."
"What?"
"Are you not paying attention to me? Im trying to make my picture in color, but the color copier isnt working!"
"But. Its a black and white photo."
"I know, the picture online is color! I want it to be the same color as online!"
"But..."
"Forget it!"
So, now you know what Im dealing with.
Following this incident, I talked to the other people I work with, and they agree. Shes a goddamned moron. She will as the same question, 20 times in a row, worded differently every time. She drives the other girl, and guy, absolutely nuts. Being that we are all in the loop as far as her stupidity goes, weve decided to test her. Our first test? Where is a baby kept in the woman while shes pregnant. She has a 1 year old now. She should know this right away, right? Wrong. Heres how it went down.
"Hey Sara, where are babies kept? Rick thinks its in the stomach." <snicker>
"Hes right, its in the stomach."
<pregnant girl> "What?!"
"The baby is in the stomach....Wait, I mean uterus!"
<pregnant girl>"Oh OK"
<me>"Good god."
<Sara>"What?"
Yeah, thats the typical day now. We all think of ways in which we can test her intelligence. Yesterday, we had actually tested her math skills, which we can honestly say, dont exist. Heres how:
"Hey Sara, whats 10x10?"
"20, why?"
"It is? I thought 10+10 was 20."
"Yeah, its like 2+2 and 2x2"
"Whats 6x6?"
"12, what are you doing?"
"Nothing, just checking for something online."
"Oh ok."
So, apparently in her world, if you multiply two of the same numbers, you add them. Thank god for calculators!
Another statement she made was just stupid, but made some kind of sense, but not really. It was a discussion we had when we were talking about getting a raise. Heres how it went:
Me - I think Im about due for a raise, Ill be here 5 years in September.
Jeff - I should be getting paid more than Laura, I have a degree, and she barely has her GED!
Cheryl - Eh, if I get one Ill be happy, I probably wont cause Im new though.
Me - Yeah, but youre work is really good. Youve caught on quick.
Sara - I should get more cause I have to support a family, and you guys dont!
Me - What?!
Jeff - What?!
Cheryl - What?! In that case, I should get more than you cause Im pregnant and do a better job!
Sara - No, Ive had my kid longer, and you just got pregnant.
So yeah, needless to say, our manager gave me the highest raise, Jeff gets paid a lil less than I do, Cheryl gets paid just about as much as Jeff, and Sara didnt get anything. Like we said, shes a moron, so we give her a morons salary.
Now that Im done with that dribble, someone needs to photoshop this picture!
User Reviews
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-06-02 13:20:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So wait. You've been with a girl for two years and you THINK she's "18 or 19, not sure which." ???
This is one of those things you're meant to KNOW.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-06-02 10:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
whoa! resize that picture!
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2005-06-02 10:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Im actualy 22.
Shes 19 I think, maybe 18, Im not too sure, its one of those though.
Yeah, Im robbing the cradle.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-02 10:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2 years?
How old are you, 20?
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2005-06-02 09:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-06-02 09:27:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2005-06-02 09:23:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and as a side note, Im celebrating 2 years with my girlfriend on Sunday.
I never thought Id be with the same person for 2 years, its like Im nuts or something!
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isn't it amazing how fast it flys by...... when you duct tape them to a chair in the basement.
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You use duct tape?
Ive been using nails and a cross, jesus style.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-06-02 09:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2005-06-02 09:23:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and as a side note, Im celebrating 2 years with my girlfriend on Sunday.
I never thought Id be with the same person for 2 years, its like Im nuts or something!
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isn't it amazing how fast it flys by...... when you duct tape them to a chair in the basement.
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2005-06-02 09:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and as a side note, Im celebrating 2 years with my girlfriend on Sunday.
I never thought Id be with the same person for 2 years, its like Im nuts or something!
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-06-02 09:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
HAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHH!!
This was fucking funny!
But you made me scroll with that giant gooks in the road picture, so no +2 for you!!
HA!!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-02 09:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually this was pretty funny.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-02 09:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What picture?