Lunch (1177 hits)
Category: GraphicsLabels: Untruth
Rating: 1.95 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark << snarkk.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2005-06-03 12:17:43 EDT
I just got back from a company lunch at a Thai restaurant.
I ordered the Ostrich and it got me to thinking...
What would it be like to work on an Ostrich farm?
Would it be like a chicken farm, except on a larger scale?
Ostrich's are African so I imagine the farm would be run by a guy named Oomboola rather than Elmer, even though both names kick ass.
Other than that, I doubt there's not too much difference between the two.
I bet Oomboola has kids. In fact I bet he has more than four. Most Elmer's have at least three kids, so it only makes sense that Oomboola's would have more, because Ostrich's are bigger than chickens. Also, Ostrich's are bigger than kids, so you would probably have to keep having kids to replace the ones that had their face stomped off.
Unlike Elmer's kids, Oomboola's would have to be proficient at Brazilian Jujitsu at an early age. If one of those wacky fucking birds ever came after you, your only defense would be a headlock or something. You could try a leglock if you want but I wouldn't suggest it. It doesn't matter how many brothers and sisters you have backing you up when a giant chicken is stomping your face off.
This is Africa after all, the home of Brazilian Jujitsu... or is it the home of that Crazy Monkey Karate... shit I better watch Bloodsport again.
I wonder if Van Damne trained in Africa?
Or is Crazy Monkey Karate from the Middle East?
"Huooooeeee! Derka Derka Hiya!!"?
Yeah that's probably it.
The Ostrich meat itself kinda tasted like a cross between cow meat and my Uncle Ted; a little bland with a hint of Scoal.
*I might be wrong about that. I haven't tasted Uncle Ted since I was a kid and my memories of it are strangely fuzzy.*
Maybe an Ostrich farm is a cross between a chicken farm and a cattle ranch.
Maybe Oomboola and his children are expert Ostrich wranglers but I doubt it. I don't think there's a horse alive that could outrun an Ostrich let alone go near one. If you somehow did get close enough to an Ostrich on your horse, I don't think it would be a good idea to jump on top of it. They don't have horns to pull on and attempting to hogtie its legs would probably be a fatal mistake.
So Spring turns to Summer and the great plains of Africa are teaming with the biggest examples on earth that God fucks up too.
He looks down from the big Barkolounger in the sky and is all like "Sweet Fancy Moses! Mine mistakes doth multiply and spread forth" so he hits the "Fall" button on his remote, then goes back to watching Gilmore Girls or some shit.
And then suddenly it's butchering season again and the air is filled with the screams of dying Ostri.
Imagine the horror of seeing one hundred giant headless chickens running around and slamming into each other.
Oomboola probably has a pretty kick ass umbrella collection, cuz those fucking monstrosities of nature have gotta be incredible squirters when the ole brain pan goes a flyin.
Can you scare a headless Ostrich? If you did, would it try to stick its stump in the ground?
Questions that lead to questions that lead to stumps...
Ahhh yeah...
Thinking about it all makes me yearn for the simple life.
It would be nice to exchange my cold, bleak, corporate existence for the life of Oomboola.
A couple of years spent under the African sun, herding and butchering the majestic Ostrich wouldn't be all that bad.
In fact, if you ask me, that just might be my definition of heaven. Yes Siree that about sounds like the promised land.
Oomboola, if you read this, get ready you magnificent bastard.
There's a new Sheriff coming to Ostrich Town. His name is Snark; he's a recovering glue addict and he's got an itch that only a giant chicken can scratch.
P.S.
Emu's taste like shit.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-09-10 05:24:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2005-07-02 07:20:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My review must have gotten lost in internet traffic when I read/reviewed it almost a month ago...I'm sure it was pretty witty as well. <Insert wittiness here>
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-06-23 12:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damage Control
Submitted by ProgramGeek (user info) at 2005-06-22 17:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-06-06 23:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You go down on emus?
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-06-06 22:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only Emu farm I drive past on any regular basis is right next to a cemetary. Coincidence?
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-06-05 08:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Emu's taste like shit."... Thanks for taking the "Pepsi challenge"
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-06-05 08:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't tasted Uncle Ted since I was a kid.
________________________________
I can't help but ask what the fuck the circumstances were when you tasted Uncle Ted. So what if they're fuzzy? I like inferences; they're very creative and rarely true, but you get to have lots of fun thinking them up.
Any possibility that there was no Oomboola, being that the restaurant was Thai? They run amok in Africa, to be sure, but they are farmed all over the place (I like Wikipedia). So maybe the guy who raised them was named Ho Chi Minh, or something.
And that's another thing - so what if Ho Chi Minh was Vietnamese? Some people believe that Hitler changed identities rather than commit suicide, so maybe good old Ho did the same thing. I bet he gave up the high life of stirring Nationalist rebellion in favor of the more simple and humble ways of an Thai ostrich farmer.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2005-06-05 07:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-03 20:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It doesn't matter how many brothers and sisters you have backing you up when a giant chicken is stomping your face off."
So, so true. I still have the scars. <shudders>
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-06-03 15:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The wonders of the human imagination.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-06-03 14:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me chuckle. I love the way you described how it tasted.
Did you know that these birds can live up to 75 years? Pretty cool.
It almost makes it sadder to kill them... I mean, when is the right time?
Eh. I prefer to "keep my head in the sand" about it. Har har... I made a funny.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-06-03 14:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmmm, Rory Gilmore...
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-06-03 14:03:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here, have one on me.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/67700
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-06-03 13:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, it's a llama.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-06-03 13:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Struthio camelus
Of the 8,600 bird species which exist today, the ostrich is the largest. They are still found in the wild in certain parts of Africa, and are very well adapted to desert life, getting water from the plants they eat.
These huge birds, which sometimes reach a height of 2.6 m and a weight of 135 kg, cannot fly, but are very fast runners. Their small, flat heads and long necks are downy and their plump bodies are covered with soft feathers. The male's body plumage is glossy black, and the wings and tail feathers are white.
The females and young males are greyish brown. If threatened while sitting on the nest, which is simply a cavity scooped in the earth, the hen presses her long neck flat along the ground, blending with the background. Ostriches, contrary to popular belief, do not bury their heads in the sand.
The male ostrich has from two to six females in his flock. The eggs each weigh about 1.5 kg. Ostriches have been raised in captivity as a source of food, and some people have even tried to ride them -- a risky business.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-06-03 13:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I did in fact have Ostrich for lunch yesterday and it did look and taste like beef.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-06-03 13:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snark is my hero.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-06-03 13:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-03 13:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-06-03 12:58:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hysterically funny! I'd have peed my pants if I were actually wearing pants.
Aren't ostriches from Australia? No? Ok then.
--------------------------------
I thought so too.
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-06-03 12:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hysterically funny! I'd have peed my pants if I were actually wearing pants.
Aren't ostriches from Australia? No? Ok then.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-06-03 12:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-06-03 12:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed hysterically.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-06-03 12:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ostrich meat is alright, I personally prefer rattlesnake burgers.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-06-03 12:32:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Once a glue addict, always a glue addict.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-06-03 12:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So Spring turns to Summer and the great plains of Africa are teaming with the biggest examples on earth that God fucks up too.
He looks down from the big Barkolounger in the sky and is all like "Sweet Fancy Moses! Mine mistakes doth multiply and spread forth" so he hits the "Fall" button on his remote, then goes back to watching Gilmore Girls or some shit.
------------------
Snark makes the Bible come alive!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-06-03 12:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's all part of the emu's superiority and inevitable rise to the top of the food chain.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-03 12:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Can you scare a headless Ostrich? If you did, would it try to stick its stump in the ground? "
HAHAHAHA
Wow. What a mental image that makes.