Condemn Condoms- a piece of work so pointless as to really make you wonder... why?! (884 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.08 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chinaski (View user info) at 2005-06-05 21:19:04 EDT
There's a certain moment in a certain song that brings up a certain deliciously vital memory to mind. Perhaps you know it. Perhaps you know the savage guitar-love-making sensual-drum-kissing horny-horn-tootin' melodic masterpiece of music known only as "The Curtis Mayfield Band." Perhaps you are a bitch (which is to say, you don't).
Anyway, the song is about 9 minutes long. It's really a kick ass song; if you don't know it, illegally procure it now. The song I'm talking about is "Move on UP". It's funky as all hell, I really can't tell you that enough.
About 4 minutes go by and the song seems to end. There's a little drum-patter breakdown that seems to signal completion. But WAIT- all of a sudden the grooviest, irie-est musical jam busts up on the scene! Four more minutes of instrumental ecstacy! Oh, boo yah- have I ever had such a reason to shout that hallowed call? Boo, yah.
So one day the sun was shining low through the bamboo blinds of my backporch and I heard the song start up on the computer. "Hush now child, now don't you cry- your folks might understand you, by and by. Just move on UP! To your destination! Though you may find, from time to time, complication." Curtis purred his wisdom in my ear while I reclined in the kitchen, listening quietly while my current sex partner listened in obliviousness while dicking around on the computer.
The song progressed as it had so many times before- "Remember your dreams are your only skin, so keep on pushin'", Curtis cooed, his syrupy voice never curdling. (SO gay).
Then those four notes hit- the denoument horns singing the end of the song.
Wait... or were they? Holy fuck- you'd bite your tongue off mid-sentence if you said the song was over, then heard the drums start up again- congos and a percussion set fucking each other in a vicious bareback dance of passion. Then the guitar drops in- but by that time I was already in the backporch, in my bathrobe, dancing passionately while my honey watched, laughing appreciatively.
I shook my ass like never before. I shook it like a blender set on pulverize. I pulverized her eyes with my hypnotic booty, shakin' my hips. I looked over my shoulder at her, then spun around. My big floppy dick floundered around, half-erect just from the vicious dance motions I'd been putting it through. Have you ever known the pleasure of seductive dancing to Curtis Mayfield's "Move On Up"? You should.
I got a great bj as the song wrapped itself up... and the song was the only thing that wrapped itself up. Condoms suck.
User Reviews
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-06-06 16:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Here, you left this on my latest post, I don't want it.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-06-06 14:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy's a turd, so here's another +2, Hank.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-06-06 14:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FAG ALERT!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-06-06 10:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Condemn Condoms- a piece of work so pointless as to really make you wonder... why?!"
I believe they are designed to prevent the spread of venerial disease and unintentional breeding. There, now you know.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-06-06 09:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If ya likey that, check; T-Plays it Cool - by Mr Gaye.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-06 08:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-06 08:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where have you been hiding? I've missed you and your hatred of safe sex.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-06-06 08:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thankyou.
I always wondered who made that song, as i'm too young to know.
YOU OLD FART!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-06-06 01:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha shake those hips you dancing fool.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-06-06 00:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i prefer pusherman, but ok.
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2005-06-06 00:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I fail to see how the title applies. But then, does it ever?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-05 22:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeezus, Chin.
I don't want to think about you dancing in a bathrobe, man...
Seriously...
I'm alreasy *IN* therapy, thankyasomuch.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-06-05 21:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Henry Chinaski.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-06-05 21:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When a man doesn't come around Uber much anymore, he really stops caring about the opinions and ratings of others and writes whatever the hell he feels like in the moment. so fuck you!