Fun with Faux Seminal Emissions (3599 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: healthcare_tales
Rating: 1.97 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by A Forensic Girl (View user info) at 2005-06-06 01:15:29 EDT
The following post talks about real semen, imaginary semen, and stuff.
People who work in healthcare tend to be earthy, morbid at times, and a little sadistic. Towards each other that is.
Two of the more awkward and pain in the ass tests we have to do in the lab are fertility analysis and sperm counts. Out of the two, fertility tests are the easiest. All you really have to do is look at the semen under the microscope; if you don't see sperms (or very, very few) swimming, then the patient's vasectomy was a success. Sperm counts on the other hand are just what they sound like. The technician must count the sperm within the specimen field, write it down, move the specimen field to another locale on the glass slide and count those sperm, write it down, move the field to yet another location, and so on. After 4 field counts, the tech averages the sperms, enters the result in the computer and sends it to the doctor who then determines the probability that their patient will be able to impregnate his wife or girlfriend. Now, before you think 'what's so hard about that?' I ask; have you tried counting those little thrashing wee beasties? Also, because you have to note the condition of the sperm (e.g. slow, deformed, healthy) within a limited time (i.e. before the little buddies stop swimming), sperm counts must be done immediately upon hitting the lab. No more than ½ hour can pass from the time of.....uh......specimen collection by the patient to the first field count.
Usually they come in during the day shift which means Larry has to do them. Larry doesn't mind doing one or two per day but he tends to get testy at any more after that. He starts to curse and stomp around in his work area. He'll turn on classical music to try to calm his nerves. We like to sit up front and watch him. Frequently we play pranks on him. Here is the best one.
They must have been running some kind of semen special that day. Larry had done three that day and had lost his sense of humor. Bob#1 (we have two Bobs) got a specimen cup and some of the antibacterial hand soap we have in the dispensers. Under normal conditions the hand soap is opaque and slightly pearlescent, but if you add a little water and stir it in very carefully so it doesn't foam or bubble, it looks almost like semen. Bob mixed up a ridiculous amount in the cup. I mean it was like 10 times the amount any man could produce in one ejaculation.
While Bob was preparing the faux semen, we filled out a sham requisition and listed the pseudo patient as Ben Dover (can't beat the oldies). Bob screwed the lid down and dribbled more of the faux semen all over the lid so that it was dripping everywhere. Bob waited until Larry's back was turned and put the oozing specimen jar on his work station and hustled back up front.
Larry turned around and saw a new semen analysis to do. He started mumbling and grumbling. He gloves up and goes to grab the jar and halts. And looked. Then looked harder. He looked at it from different angles. We started snickering. He bent down to get a really good look and stood back up shaking his head. He picked up a pencil and poked at it. We're up front trying to keep quiet.
"Gary! Come and take a look at this!" Larry said. Myopic Gary comes over.
"What is that?" Gary squints and peers. We are beginning to pass from snickering to laughing.
"It's another semen analysis but look at it! Man, it's all over the place! Did he miss? Look how much is in there! He must be a freak!" They both are poking at it trying to muster up the resolve to pick it up and try to take the lid off. At this point we are gripped in the throws of that silent, body shaking laughter where you can't breathe and your eyes are tearing up. Gary ran off and abandoned Larry to deal with it. Larry gets the lid off, prepares a slide, and changes his gloves.
"Wait for it" Bob said between chokes. Larry looks in the microscope for a few seconds.
"What the hell?!" He adjusts the magnification, the focus, and the brightness. "This doesn't make any sense." He pushes the lab intercom; "Who received the semen specimen from Ben Dover?"
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Larry's workstation is set up so that when he stands up, his head looks disembodied, floating over his workstation. The lighting over his head also makes his glasses reflective, making appear that he has no eyes, just flashing disks. It would be eerie except that Larry makes a perfect model of the stereotypical mad scientist. He has a cowlick from hell and insists on wearing this ancient lab coat that is 2 sizes too big.
"DAMMIT!" Larry pops up out of his chair. His head looked like a pissed off alien with reflective disks for eyes. "WHEN WILL THIS STOP BEING FUNNY?!"
As I said, that was the funniest. We've also given him faux samples with things in them. The best was a Lego man....immersed in "semen."
But don't feel too bad for ol' Larry, we've all been zinged. One time they told me that there was a semen analysis that needed processing but that there was "something kind of funky about it." I snapped on a pair of gloves and picked it up to look at it. I'm looking at it intensely, trying to find a problem when one of the bastards snuck up behind me and screamed "SPIDERS!"
Swell. Now I'll associate semen with spiders forever.
We've also managed to zing non-lab people. Our lab supply Rep frequently drops samples of stuff off for us to play with. Fortunately, he is used to our shenanigans otherwise we'd all be fired by now. One time he dropped off a semen collection kit. It looked like some sort of a condom variant. He was telling us about it when Doug the Bug (long story that involves Doug puking on an ER doctor) picked one up and said "I'll be right back." After a few minutes Doug returned with the condom-variant full of faux semen and held it up in front of the guy. "Worked for me!"
The supply Rep left in a hurry.
Of course there have been many instances of faux semen fun considering that a bunch of inappropriate maniacs work in the lab, but you get the idea. Good times, good times.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-08 23:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahah
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-04-02 23:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
stupid rad, always getting away with stuff i get in trouble for. radley radley radley!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-02 22:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh so hard it brought tears to my eyes.
How is this not on B@W?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-26 12:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
We had a similar incident here with an equip req for a Texas catheter, for Hugh Jass. Fun times.
Submitted by Jezarel (user info) at 2007-06-27 05:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Vile but for some reason i want to work in a cum lab. Weird.
Submitted by The_Penguin_Master_222 (user info) at 2007-05-24 22:17:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know that this is an older post but I just got an account and decided to rate.funny but slightly gay. Still kicks ass though.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-02-22 17:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
next time you should make a batch up and throw it at each other. He'll flip out.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-29 00:38:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gross.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-29 22:31:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the 12th best post ever, and the only thing keeping it from the top is an arbitrary +1 from rad.
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-09-29 09:10:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-13 01:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-10 06:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-10 06:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:07:19 (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nices. thises ises very nices articles. nices storyess about semeness.
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:28:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pranks are way funnier when they involve bodily fluids.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 04:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know how to have fun with it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-10 02:58:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love a woman who knows how to have fun with ejaculate.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-11-04 12:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-11 21:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 husky
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-05 12:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har har semen.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-29 03:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
splooge
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-06-22 10:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wahoo
Submitted by Rads_wife (user info) at 2005-06-14 00:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/68315
WINNER!!!
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2005-06-08 18:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Usually they come in during the day shift which means Larry has to do them. Larry doesn't mind doing one or two per day but he tends to get testy
cum... teste... hehe
am I the only one who noticed this in the semen post??
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-06 15:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2kkake
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-06-06 14:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Semen posts rule!
___
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52320
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-06-06 11:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-06-06 11:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-06-06 10:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's funny.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-06-06 10:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd take a piss in a sperm sample. I'm imagining the hilarity right now. Ha ha, yellow sperm.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-06 10:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great....Forensic girl gets to play with semen all day while I sit here proofreading all these TPS reports
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-06-06 10:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"can't beat the oldies"
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Yes indeed!
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-06-06 10:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you~
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-06-06 09:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tenexmag (user info) at 2005-06-06 09:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucking rock.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-06 09:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-06 08:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and when are they not fun?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-06-06 08:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course. And they catch it in their mouths because saliva is the best preservative there is.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-06-06 08:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do you guys throw the stuff around? i'm imagining this in slow motion.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-06 08:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-06-06 06:51:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-06-06 01:52:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh wow! Don't get me started on urine! Or stool specimens. Gross but did you know that a Hershey bar w/ almonds looks like......nevermind. I think even this place as a nasty threshold.
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Have you NEVER seen goatse on here?
What about Tubgirl?
Submitted by hairjr (user info) at 2005-06-06 06:54:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-06-06 06:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-06-06 01:52:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh wow! Don't get me started on urine! Or stool specimens. Gross but did you know that a Hershey bar w/ almonds looks like......nevermind. I think even this place as a nasty threshold.
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Have you NEVER seen goatse on here?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-06 04:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to hear about the chocolate goodness.
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-06-06 04:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was great.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-06-06 04:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like you all have a laugh.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-06-06 01:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
melted Hersheys w/ almonds I meant to say.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-06-06 01:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh wow! Don't get me started on urine! Or stool specimens. Gross but did you know that a Hershey bar w/ almonds looks like......nevermind. I think even this place as a nasty threshold.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-06 01:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Having some experiance with a medical office, I found this hilareous. We did urinalysis frequently - hilarity ensued on the night shift.
Good times...good times...
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-06-06 01:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed pretty hard at this.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-06-06 01:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I also meant to say that I didn't mean to be redundant at the beginning. I was going to add after the warning "if you don't want to read about semen, turn back now."
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-06-06 01:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now what have i got to do to get your AIM name? huh huh!
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I'm embarrased to say but I don't have one. My e-mail is easy, forensicgirl3.at.yahoo.com.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-06-06 01:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Houdini...
"SPIDERS!"
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-06-06 01:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mine have the tendency to jump off the slide.......
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-06-06 01:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was cute. fun with semen huh hmmmmmmm.
Now what have i got to do to get your AIM name? huh huh!