If Nickles Were Like Penises... I Be Buffalo (588 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.5 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hot n' Lusty Rawrg (View user info) at 2005-06-06 12:43:50 EDT
I've been busy for a while lately, due to work for the last 2 months I haven't posted in a long time. Sometimes I wish I had a nice cushy cube farm job where I could outlay a perfect economical model for the world, design perpetual motion and write in my spare time. Still, knowing me, I wouldn't be able to squeeze all that in between my hourly retreats to the restroom to masturbate or the rest of my day which would consist of browsing online brain droppings and rewarding flash games that tell you that you're only the 36,000th person to solve it this week.
Nope. Instead, I'm confined to the world of remodeling homes. It's what I've been doing forever, and while I may not love my job, it pays the bills and allows me to do what I love. Still, it doesn't stop my from masturbating on a regular basis. If you've employed me to work on your home, chances are that I've blown a load in the bathroom, basement or attic. I even did it in an alley behind someone's home once. Some people might think that it's the thrill of getting caught, but really, for me, it's just out of boredom and an inconvenient location.
While I'm digressing, I heard something amusing. A senior prank at my highschool a few years back consisted of releasing three pigs numbered 1, 2 and 4 throughout the school.
...
A lot of strange things have been happening this week, the strangest of which is that I got laid by an insanely gorgeous girl. I never thought I could top my previous relationship, but at this moment, I'm convinced I already have. I'm sure the powers that be will make sure I'm not this happy for long so I'm working hard not to screw this one up. I was upfront about being a complete whack-job, but she's stubborn. I even told her that I'll probably end up killing her and putting her in a barrel. She just laughed as if I were joking. Assuming she doesn't come to her senses, I'll probably get into some freak accident involving a bread truck. Bread trucks know what I'm about.
Here's another odd thing that's happened. An old friend of mine that burnt himself out on drugs has recently been released after 2 years in a mental institution. I didn't know you could smoke yourself Schitzophrenic. Apparently, after much Opium, he now believes that people can manifest matter into existence simply by repeating maxamic mantras over and over. The frightening thing is that he's like the Unibomber (looks just like him, scraggly beard and all...) The funny thing is that he's so intelligent that if you simply allow yourself to believe one absurdity to be true, then the rest of his philosophy makes sense.
While in the hospital, he claimed to have manifested weed on an empty shelf by staring at it. He even claimed that it was good shit when he smoked it... He believes that Santa Claus is real because people's belief in him makes him real and so for Christmas, he's asking for a teleportation device. Every few minutes, he affirms this by repeating his mantra over and over again.
...
Maybe I'm manifesting happiness right now.
User Reviews
Submitted by Obi-wan (user info) at 2005-06-06 15:37:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What?!
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-06-06 15:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's good postin'!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-06-06 14:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm...both hot AND lusty?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-06 13:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Dear slapper,
Please stop yanking on your little soilder while working in my house. Your leaving a horrible mess and I'm sick and tired of cleaning up after you.
Sincerely,
Pee Wee Herman
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-06 13:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on getting a piece
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-06-06 13:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Now lemme see if I get this title or not...
"If Nickles Were Like Penises... I Be Buffalo."
So, I can infer that you're on the back of an 85-year-old penis? WOW! What's THAT like?
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-06-06 12:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I want to change my reference post to this gem.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-06-06 12:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Go remodelers w00t.
Hi I'm badassmofo cabinetmaker by day, remodeler by night(and weekend)
Don't worry man if she tries to leave you, you can always lop off her arms and legs and put her on a chain.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-06 12:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doesn't UM voting start tomorrow?
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-06-06 12:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mEEp
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-06-06 12:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm really itching for UberMadness. This is the shit I write when I have no direction. How lazy of me...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-06 12:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOu beat off at work too, huh?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-06-06 12:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This makes me want to follow you around with a camera. I'll turn it off when you jerk it, though.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-06-06 12:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll manifest you a +1.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-06 12:46:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time you aren't busy would you remodel my bathroom? I want a roll top bath and laminate flooring.