Water Report Linked To Terrorism; Not Delivered To Third Grade Class (881 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.76 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by spedmonkey <spedmonkey.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-06-07 02:21:25 EDT
KENNESAW, VA - The federal government today sent a formal request to Jaquelyn Kerber, 8, requesting that she not deliver her report on the water cycle to her third grade class due to concerns that terrorists could potentially use the information contained therein to introduce chemical or biological weapons into the nation's water supply.
"We believe the nation's water supply is of the utmost importance to secure and protect in the war against terrorism," said Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff. "Miss Kerber's report contains important information about the way our water supply is utilized and recycled. A terrorist with a supply of a chemical agent could then use the knowledge of our methods to circumvent the procedures reservoirs and other sources of water around the country use to clean and purify the water."
Some Americans, however, believe Kerber's report must be delivered, in the name of the First Amendment. "I love the Constitution, and I believe that it gives us Americans the right to say whatever we want," said Massachusetts resident Jane Franklin at a protest in Washington, D.C. "Who cares about our national security? If this girl is prevented from speaking her piece, then the next thing you know all reports of every kind will be censored, and those [expletive] Republicans will take over everything!"
This is not about censorship, however, according to government officials. Indeed, some are so worried about Kerber's report that some have privately discussed assassination or a private interrogation, according to one Bush administration official speaking under the condition of anonymity.
"Who knows which security leaks provided her with this information? It's a major problem here, and we need to get to the bottom of this now," said Chertoff. "It had to be a leak of some sort. I mean, how else could she have found out that water evaporates, then turns back into rain, which then can be treated and used by American citizens again? Mark my words, the Department of Homeland Security takes threats like this to our nation very seriously, and we are doing all in our power to trace the source of these leaks."
Meanwhile, at the Frank Howard Elementary School in Kennesaw, Kerber's teacher, Mrs. Terri Jordan, is unsure how to proceed with the remainder of the reports. "How can I be sure that none of the rest of these reports contain information vital to the fight against terrorism?" she said. "I'd let other teachers screen them beforehand, but I can't be sure that one of them isn't a terrorist who will pass this information onto Al Qaeda or another one of those groups."
Until the source of the leaks has been found and contained, the government has asked that any report assignments be postponed. "We can't be sure that this leak, whoever it may be, only has information about the water supply," said Chertoff. "Until we figure out what this person knows, and how much he or she's passed on already, we can't risk another security breach like Miss Kerber."
At the same time, Kerber is uncomfortable with the attention she is receiving due to this incident. "Some of the other kids on the playground yesterday called me an Arab," she said. "I don't know what that is, but it sounds mean. I'm not mean. I wish this stupid report thing would go away because they're starting to hurt my feelings."
The Department of Homeland Security is also considering issuing a cease-and-desist order to Joanna Cole and Bruce Degan, co-authors of the best-selling children's book series "The Magic Schoolbus". The pair is currently working on a new book about the processing of fabric for clothes.
"Who knows," said an anonymous CIA source. "Terrorists could use the information in this book to dye our nation's T-shirt supply bright pink. If the rest of the world thinks we're all gay, then what will happen to our status on the world's stage?"
The government is unsure as to whether Cole and Degan also received information from the same source as Kerber, but plans to investigate further. If you have any information on the security leak or other reports which may compromise our nation's security, please call the toll-free Nation Security Hotline at 1-888-STP-ARBS.
User Reviews
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 13:59:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i would rather drill my own teeth than read this
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:41:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
things that make me go... barf
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-15 00:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've heard 'em all. `I like you as a friend.' `I think we should see
other people.' `I no speak English.' `I'm married to the sea.' `I
don't want to kill you, but I will ...'
-- Homer Simpson
I Love Lisa
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-06-13 14:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHAMONE!!! YEEEHEEEE!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-13 13:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shamone!
Don't worry Michael, just give me some Jesus Juice and I'll keep quiet...
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-06-07 14:24:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant!!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-06-07 13:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mockery reeks of treason.
Your subversion will not go unnoticed.
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-06-07 12:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great because it's good satire like the Onion used to print.
Nice work!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-06-07 10:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-06-07 10:02:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did anyone see that movie on FOX Sunday night?. I believe it was called "Oil Storm".
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-07 09:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apparently something like this has already happened:
http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/06/06/milk.terror/index.html
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-07 09:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You laugh now, but something like this could happen for real and it would not surprise me one bit. Everyone in this country is mentally ill.
Submitted by BigCore (user info) at 2005-06-07 08:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found the funniest part to be the incredibly low likelihood of terrorists poisoning a water supply with any degree of success.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-07 08:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PLease dear God tell me this is fiction...
PLeasepleasepleasepleaseplease...
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-06-07 07:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done. Well fucking done.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-07 06:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Print the report!
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-06-07 03:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reads like something from http://www.theonion.com
Nice.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-06-07 03:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-07 02:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that this was inspired by http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/06/06/milk.terror/index.html
Not that that doesn't have some legitimacy to it; it's just ridiculous enough to make it worth satirizing.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-06-07 02:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kickass