Bad Mummy and the Very Busy Six-Lane Highway (3463 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.97 on 65 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-06-08 11:05:18 EDT
I'm the world's greatest parent. I really, really am. My kids are going to be well adjusted and confident individuals who are unafraid to take on life's challenges.
I bought the Boy a book today. He has other books, but he's read them all, and he's been exceptionally well behaved recently. Being a mother that cares not only for his enjoyment of life, but for his education, I purchased a book that struck me as whimsical and amusing. I read the back cover, read a page from the middle, and paid ten dollars for it. It's called "The Bad Book."
I brought the book home and presented it to my son with a short speech about rewards and behavior and he makes me proud and blah blah blah and he disappeared, beaming, to show the book to his little friend who's staying overnight.
Do you know any eight year old boys? Have you ever BEEN an eight year old boy? Please, please tell me if thisis a normal conversation to hear from the back seat of the car where two eight year olds are talking - and this was BEFORE I bought the book -
"It's raining."
"Hahahah God is peeing."
"HAHAHAHHAHAH yeah all over our heads!"
Mad laughter.
"PEE ON ME, GOD! BLESS ME WITH YOUR ACID PEE!"
"HAHAHHA what's acid?"
"It burns your skin off."
"Oh cool!"
"I have some on my nuts."
"Hahahahha acid nuts"
"Yeah so now I have to pee out of my bumhole!"
"GOD HAS A GIANT PENIS!"
So AFTER all this, I purchase the aforementioned book and now we're all caught up.
Half an hour after he disappears with the book, he returns. His eyes are glowing. There's a smile on his face that I've never seen before.
"Mum, can I read you something from my new book?"
"Go ahead, dude."
"Little Willy took a match and set fire to the cat
Said Little Willy as it burnt "I bet the cat hates that!"
Little Willy took a match and set fire to his bum
Said Little willy as it burnt "Gee that was pretty dumb."
Little Willy took a match and set fire to his head
Said Little Willy as it burnt "Soon I will be dead.""
Then he cackled maniacally and ran back to his room. I wrestled the book off him to have a closer look and found that I had WILLINGLY given my son gems like "Bad Mummy and the Very Busy Six-Lane Highway" in which a small child is run down after his mother allows him to cross the highway with his eyes shut, "Bad Baby" in which a baby blows itself up with a hand grenade, and "Bad Daddy and the Big Swing" in which a little boy is thrown off a swing when his Dad pushes him too high.
I may have made a mistake. This book makes ME laugh like a drunk being patted down by the cops. Do I really want to encourage my son to have this sense of humour?
And then I hear, faintly, from down the hallway: "Stop farting in my eyes or I'll make the twins kill you and eat you!" Mad laughter.
And the game is already lost, so I give him back his stupid book with the active encouragement of my husband, who explains kindly "He's a fucked unit anyway. You're been raising him for eight years, and he has no hope. Let him have a little joy." (Actually, what he said was "Giving him access to things that aren't perfectly nice and proper in a controlled way is a lot safer than letting him sneak around behind our backs watching "South Park", which is what happens to boys who are wrapped in cotton wool" but that's nowhere near as amusing to me.)
Speaking of the twins, their new game is to strip naked in the middle of the night and smear the contents of their diapers over their cribs. As an alternative to duct taping their little hands behind their little backs and enclosing their little bodies in little wooden boxes, I bought 20 safety pins and pinned their pyjamas closed and together and then put them in safety pinned sleeping bags with sleeves and was going to pin their little arms to their little sides but was stopped in time by that voice in my head that sounds like a social worker and says stuff like "That's probably illegal, you know."
****As I was looking for a cover image of the book to put here, I came across a news story detailing how schools and parent groups have been calling the book "inappropriate" and bookstores have been removing it from shelves for fear of causing offence. http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2004/09/24/1095961856737.html?from=storyrhs
So, you know - fuck that. He can have the book, and read it, and laugh at poop jokes with my blessing.***
User Reviews
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2007-01-01 20:48:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. It's good to hear that kids still have some sort of imagination.
P.S. I plan on completely corrupting my child when he comes out.
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2007-01-01 20:15:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahh, youth... sounds just like when I was that age
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-28 21:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALso there is a person who lives in Perth (and could be found by me easily-- i know what boobies to look for) who needs to post more. And it's sure as hell not stagger, that dick sucking pansy ass excuse for a man....man (i 'heart' you though stagger)
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-28 21:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, I haven't read this in forever +2 blast from the Circe past.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-28 21:09:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ATTN CIRCE
My girlfriend tell me today, for Christmas she wants "This children's book containing poetry on bad children and their fates. I forget the title but I could recognize it by it's cover (colorful, funky, vector illustration) "
I immediately remembered this post.
AS GOD AS MY WITNESS I WILL GET THIS BOOK EVEN IF I HAVE TO TRAVEL TO BRITAIN
+2 for gift idea
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-06-15 19:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-06-05 10:10:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Badass parenting!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-05 09:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
When I was little (about 4 or 5) I did something wrong (I can't remember what it was) - but it resulted in my auntie shouting at me angrily.
Auntie "Why did you do that? What did you do that for?"
Me "Why does the wind whistle through the leaves of the trees?"
Auntie "Erm. What?"
Me *knowing smile*
Auntie "Right... I hope you... Erm... Trees you say?"
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-01 13:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-01 12:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nominated for best ever
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88623
Submitted by Askari (user info) at 2005-06-13 08:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-06-11 20:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Library time. I gotta get that book.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-06-10 05:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I go away for 2 days and you post without notifying me? Jeez...
Sheesh, you can tell just from the font on the cover of that book that it's not *meant* for kids... which isn't to say it *shouldn't* be for kids. Hell, my wife purposely bought the *original* grimm's fairy tales-- you know, the one where sleeping beauty isn't woken up by Prince Charming's kiss, but by the labor pains caused by giving birth to Prince Charming's son, 9 months after he finds her asleep in the forest, does what any good virile Prince would do, and goes along his merry way.
I can recommend Tim Burton's little illustrated book "The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy", plus that Edward Gorey one "The Gashlycrumb Tinies", they'll fit right next to the bad book on your shelf.
Eight-year-old boy conversation sounds about right. I remember more cussing though.
Oh, and duct tape doesn't really stick your skin that much. At least, not to a shaven skull. Never mind.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-06-10 04:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a book that we took a look at in my Germanic Studies class. It's called 'Shockheaded Peter' and it's basically stories seemingly of the same nature of that in the book you were telling about.
For example, the little girl who is told not to play with matches, but she does and she lights herself on fire and burns to death. The best part of the book is the graphic illustrations.
I highly recommend it.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-10 03:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop farting in my eyes or I'll make the twins kill you and eat you!" Mad laughter.
------------------
mad laughter indeed!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-06-09 22:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PS- I think your son may be into watersports. Just in case you hadn't noticed.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-06-09 21:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I WANTS ME THAT BOOK
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-06-09 16:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-09 15:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this rocks. and the Sebrina gem just makes it so much better.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-06-08 23:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's raining."
"Hahahah God is peeing."
"HAHAHAHHAHAH yeah all over our heads!"
Mad laughter.
"PEE ON ME, GOD! BLESS ME WITH YOUR ACID PEE!"
"HAHAHHA what's acid?"
"It burns your skin off."
"Oh cool!"
"I have some on my nuts."
"Hahahahha acid nuts"
"Yeah so now I have to pee out of my bumhole!"
"GOD HAS A GIANT PENIS!"
Sounds about right.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-08 21:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-08 21:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:38:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
One post, Sabrina darling?
You only -2 one lousy post? That's not how you're supposed to suck, baby. Suck harder. Look, I'll make it easy for you:
------------------------
Fucking Awesome. I'm gonna go make you my God now. Goddess, whatever. Some sort of deity.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-06-08 20:38:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blah blah Circe rules blah blah
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-08 13:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have 17 year olds who are into the shit smearing thing.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-06-08 13:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If it makes you feel better, I distinctly recall that shit smearing thing from my college psychology class. It is pretty normal behavior for a two year old. I'd worry about it (cough Shandy cough) if they are still doing it when they grow up.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-06-08 13:03:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES! I CAN RATE AGAIN! THANK YOU BART!
I fucking owe that man.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-08 12:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-08 12:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AIM- manicmother1
My youngest will be two in sept. We're going to start potty training this summer.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-06-08 12:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Manic - They're two. And yeah, they'd help each other. They feed each other. They brush each other's hair and translate for each other and gang up on the cat. It's like one bipolar person in two very small identical bodies. But good godamn, they're cute.
Do you have aim?
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-08 12:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cookie, you're right, that WOULD be entertaining.
Circe, the tape goes around the diaper at the waist. Kind of like a belt really, but you HAVE to make sure the ends meet in the back where they can't reach. Pull off the tape when they need the change. Although with your two I'd imagine it wouldn't take them long to start peeling each other and running free. How old are they?
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-06-08 12:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To hell with safety pins (those things are dangerous!), use a stapler or just simply hog tie 'em.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-06-08 12:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Special Thanks to Sabina for posting Circe's review.
Goddamn Girl, you still got it.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-06-08 12:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:45:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sabrina (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:31:59 (#)
Ranking: -2
------
Bit of a pain, that one. You think she'll survive? Nah, steping up to Jeanneee was bad, but fucking with you is kind of like spitting on a cross in front of the Vatican. Nothing good is going to come of it.
---------
I can think of PLENTY good that can come of that, MM... like, you know, a superhero spits on the cross, and then all the religous zealots throw a fit and try to lynch him, but he's a fucking SUPERHERO so he completely torches the lot of them.... AND the pope.
That would be good, right?
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-06-08 12:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This entertained me.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-06-08 12:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You shouldn't get your kids high.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have an 8 year old brother, that conversation appears perfectly normal.
remember pinky and the brain? my other brother misheard the lyrics. for weeks we had renditions of "pinky and the brain, pinky and the brain, one has a penis, the other's insane".
still makes me giggle.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck a safety pin.
Straight pins are where it's at.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DOH! I forgot to +2.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe, Sabrina will fall off the edge of the world, but you'll rock on forEVAR.
Linkwhore about duct tape. http://www.ubersite.com/m/62026
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:48:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Manic, doesn't the duct tape stick to their skin? Also, if I do that, what in the everloving fuck am I going to do with 20 safety pins that have ducks and teddy bears on them?
And I'm kind of relieved Sabrina came on over and gave me a -2. I was starting to think I hadn't pissed her off, and that would have been an awful shame.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The post was great.
This was teh greater: "(I'm like the fucking Dalai Lama, with the teaching and shit.) "
You're cool. You remind me of my mom, not when I was a kid, but now when I'm all adult and responsible and graying.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sabrina (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:31:59 (#)
Ranking: -2
------
Bit of a pain, that one. You think she'll survive? Nah, steping up to Jeanneee was bad, but fucking with you is kind of like spitting on a cross in front of the Vatican. Nothing good is going to come of it.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
let kids read anything they like, at least they are reading.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
One post, Sabrina darling?
You only -2 one lousy post? That's not how you're supposed to suck, baby. Suck harder. Look, I'll make it easy for you:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61530
http://www.ubersite.com/m/67939
http://www.ubersite.com/m/46960
http://www.ubersite.com/m/31622
http://www.ubersite.com/m/31372
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50077
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54177
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66229
http://www.ubersite.com/m/48579
http://www.ubersite.com/m/62437
http://www.ubersite.com/m/28134
These all have a 2 rating. These are the ones you wanna hit for maximum impact.
(I'm like the fucking Dalai Lama, with the teaching and shit.)
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:17:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Just duct tape the diapers on. I'm fairly certain that isn't illegal.
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It does work! I had the same problem right before my oldest got her crash course in potty training.
But it wasn't my walls that had gotten violated, it was my dining room floor. Repeatedly.
Submitted by Sabrina (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-06-07 12:35:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
oh god fuck off
really, just fucking fuck off and die in a gutter and putresce into something that people step in and wrinkle their noses at the smell
alter or not, fucking moron or not, shitstirrer or not, you wanna know something? THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF YOU HERE ALREADY
this post was nothing fucking special, YOU are nothing special, and next week you're going to post either a picture of a hot bitch and claim it's you, thuse setting the stage for an ongoing "character" with all the emotional depth of a puddle of lubricant on the floor of the men's bathroom
OR
you'll post some ugly bitch and claim it's you thus setting the stage for ongoing shenai shnenaig fuck it too drunk ongoing fuckwittery that isn't fucking fucnny except to bottom feeders AND DRUGGED POULTRY
fuck off fuck off fuck off you fucking cuntwhelp unfunny uncreative unimaginative pigfucked loser
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was an 8 year old boy once.
I played with transformers.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kids are great, fart jokes are better
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it wrong to send a five year old brat to his room for lying about brushing his teeth just so that I can get some peace and quiet?
I guess I haven't been bitten by the maternal bug yet.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:17:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just duct tape the diapers on. I'm fairly certain that isn't illegal.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Stop farting in my eyes or I'll make the twins kill you and eat you!"
--------------
Too beautiful.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha... here's a joke from it:
Q: What's brown and yellow and sticky and smells like bananas?
A: Monkey vomit on a stick.
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:12:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife hates it when The Boy and I start telling poop jokes.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:12:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's parenting.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love your stories.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure that any conversation between eight-year-olds is normal if it involves bodily fluids and body parts.
Tie up the babies. They won't mind.
Submitted by CockOTheNorth (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope my kids turn out like yours. You should be writing a book on parenting.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:10:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was raised in cotton wool, and look how I turned out.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I gotta go buy that book.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yaay Circe, as always. My mom did something similar when I was about 10. She got me a book called "The Lymrick," which she thought was full of classy, educational Lymricks. The one that I remember most?
"There was an old whore from Azores,
Who's cunt was all covered with sores.
The dogs in the street wouldn't eat the green meat,
that hung in festoons from her drawers."
My mom was cool. You're cool. You're kids are going to be cool.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see nothing wrong with causing your children's limbs immoveable.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-08 11:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want that fucking book...