I might be gay, but I'll never be your regional vice president. (1315 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-06-08 21:56:09 EDT
They look just like you and I. They live in our cities, walking among us. Chances are pretty good that you know at least one of them. And it's only a matter of time before they get to you.
A friend of mine, Leon, is one of these people. A pyramid schemer. They have been taught how to harvest new bodies in order to bump one's own pay level. We generally try to avoid him, because his interest in going out is often a subtext for pushing his agenda. But somehow he managed to track down my friend Harry Ranchero and myself. We weren't inclined to join some fraudulent scheme, but he offered us free dinner and cash to show up at his meeting and pretend we may be interested. Apparently he gets some kind of credit for it. In any event, I'm not one to turn down a free meal and ten bucks.
Apparently Harry had other ideas. He and I had hatched a plan from which we could keep them off our backs, but at the last possible moment, he made an excuse to get out of the entire event. Situations like this play out like that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry and George try to get out of eating dinner with J. Peterman. Once Harry played the excuse card, anything I said would sound contrived. So I was stuck.
Needless to say, I was determined to get what I could from unfortunate circumstances. I was determined to be as obstinate as possible. Besides, as far as any of them were concerned, I was Harry Ranchero at *** Alosta Ave, Azuza, Ca.
The presentation was being given by a man and his wife, and my introductions to each of them could not have gone any better.
Some guy: Hey John, do you know Spanish?
Presentation guy: Of course I know Spanish! <incomprehensible Spanish phrase>
Some guy: ¿Qué el hombre del infierno si ellos son comin en usted, medios que ellos quieren algo, más mejor usted los cuida y el cuidado para ellos, que ellos se montan la calle ajá?
Exeunt all but Presentation Guy and Tinactin
Presentation guy: <whispering> So what did he say? <smile>
Tinactin: I have no idea. I don't speak a word of Spanish.
Presentation guy: Oh...
<awkward silence>
<Presentation guy walks away>
I didn't even have to go out of my way to embarrass him. He accomplished it entirely on his own. I really don't know any Spanish.
As for his wife...
Lady: Nice to meet you, Harry. I must say you have really nice teeth.
Tinactin: I do?
Lady: Yes. They are really straight and white. Your front teeth are not disproportionately big, and you don't have buck teeth. Have you worn braces?
Let me insert a comment here. There are certain areas you can't compliment without creating an awkward social scenario. For example, were I to say, "the wrinkles in your elbow are aligned in a tapestry of astonishing wonder", to a person I've just met, it may come across as inappropriate. Teeth are fine, but I was of a mind to make things as difficult as possible.
Tinactin: You must be a dentist, with all of this knowledge about teeth. My teeth are real, and Im also a member of the No Cavity Club. If you don't believe me, I've got the Captain Crest coloring book at home.
Lady: I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I just thought, well I thought that your teeth are so well maintained, and I wondered if you had dental work.
Tinactin: I know exactly what you're implying, and I have to tell you that I find it pretty offensive. Homophobia takes many forms.
(I really had no idea what to pretend she was implying)
Lady: You're gay? You don't seem...
Tinactin: I'll tell you what. Next week I will come for another meeting dressed like Shirley McClaine, while riding a pommel horse. I'll flash my incredibly perfect smile, so you won't confuse me with someone a bit more heterosexual. By the way, I have to compliment you. Your husband is an incredibly attractive man.
On a related note, I have a question for the ladies. It seems to me that gay men are just as sexually driven and perverse as straight men. But for some reason gay men are given a pass, while straight men are vilified. Allow me to provide an example.
Gay Man: God damn, I would love to have the hair follicles from his meaty ass gently drifting into my oral ashtray.
Chick: Hah hah hah hah ho ho ho ho! Oh, Lou. You fags are so cute when you're horny.
Straight man: I think I would enjoy providing satisfaction to that lovely lady with the participation of my engorged phallus.
Same chick: You sick fucking pig. God, men disgust me.
In any event, after those two conversations I was in great shape. Im sure she didn't believe I was gay, but what proof did she have? She could not insist on my heterosexuality on the company's watch. I found myself immune to the persuading and heavy handed sales pitch that they laid on everyone else after the meeting. If you ever get stuck going to one of these, the easiest thing to do is to be racially or sexually "offended".
Harry Ranchero received two solicitation calls from other representatives from the company today. Too bad.
P.S. On the way home yesterday Idiscovered a Chinese food restaurant relatively close to my house, called "Young Dong". Seriously.
P.P.S. Did anyone see last night's episode of The Shield? I had to miss it because of this fucking thing. Tell me what happened.
User Reviews
Submitted by jet_stream_nz (user info) at 2005-08-23 09:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone knows someone that is prepared to say that they are going and then they back out at the last minute.
You should carry around a prop for use when you need to be offfended and to prove you are gay. Some star shaped sunglasses or something - get offended pull em out and slap em on... lol
Well second post in and I am enjoying the readong, so I guess I will check another.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-06 03:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You really are one of my favorite authors round these parts. Now frigging well return!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-06 02:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"well maintained".....great line
I guess you must feel lucky that noone said: "Gee, you look tired".
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-08-05 04:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gah! I keep missing you!
Submitted by Jerzeyanjel (user info) at 2005-07-09 09:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What happened to you? Gone without a trace. No goodbyes no heartfelt words. Are you ok? You left two of us in limbo in wonderment of where you have gone. Hope all is well.. we miss you
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-06-14 08:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1118726372185515098#1382699
Funniest comment ever. Well done. I like you.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-10 05:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-10 04:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good man.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-09 14:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait...
YOU'RE MEXICAN?
Kidding...
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-06-09 12:35:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You realise, darling, that now everyone will think you're teh ghey.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-06-09 11:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh we're probably years behind you but there was this episode on here, last night, where he grabbed a hooker's hair and shoved his gun like, all the way into her mouth, and was pulling her head back and like face fucking her with the gun and that was so fucking hot.
I mean... gay teeth. Hahahah.
(It was so fucking hot, dude, really.)
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-09 08:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOUNG DONG, EH?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-06-09 08:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You must be a closet New England sports fan. Michael Chiklis is a devout Pats fan and a hard core Sox fan. Not like shitty Ben Affleck. He can get analy violated with a Mizuno.
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-06-09 07:06:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-06-09 07:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN:
Do I have to say it?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-06-09 06:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This turned out awesome!
You're one funny fucker.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-06-09 01:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I downgraded from a picture of an open vagina to a picture of a bald actor.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-06-09 01:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm sorry i didn't finisht the pic on time.... you can't seriously send me searching for a picture of a woman with her legs spread and expect me to be quick about it!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-09 00:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But I thought you were mexican?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-06-09 00:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-06-09 00:04:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
bene
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
About time you started rating my posts, bitch
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-06-09 00:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bene
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-06-08 23:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Muy bien.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-06-08 23:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-06-08 22:50:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Some guy: ¿Qué el hombre del infierno si ellos son comin en usted, medios que ellos quieren algo, más mejor usted los cuida y el cuidado para ellos, que ellos se montan la calle ajá?
Is that..."What the hell, man, when they're comin' at ya...?"
BRILLIANT. So subtle, so smooth...if I didn't take three years of high school Spanish I never would have known.
-------------------------------------------------
Pienso la cosa misma!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-08 23:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good ol' Babelfish
What the man of the hell if they are comin in you, average who they want something, more better you take care of and the care for them, who they mount the street aha?
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-06-08 23:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is both funny and unfortunately relevant for me right now. I'm positive that an acquaintance is subtly trying to get me into a pyramid scheme. Thanks for the tactical advice!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-06-08 23:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good title. I never have myself a good title.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-08 22:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucks beat me to the translation
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-06-08 22:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some guy: ¿Qué el hombre del infierno si ellos son comin en usted, medios que ellos quieren algo, más mejor usted los cuida y el cuidado para ellos, que ellos se montan la calle ajá?
Is that..."What the hell, man, when they're comin' at ya...?"
BRILLIANT. So subtle, so smooth...if I didn't take three years of high school Spanish I never would have known.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-06-08 22:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some guy: ¿Qué el hombre del infierno si ellos son comin en usted, medios que ellos quieren algo, más mejor usted los cuida y el cuidado para ellos, que ellos se montan la calle ajá?
\
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA OH JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!
ahahahHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
oh godohgodhogodhogdhhoghdoogh
THAT! That is fucking heelurious.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-06-08 22:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On a related note, I have a question for the ladies. It seems to me that gay men are just as sexually driven and perverse as straight men. But for some reason gay men are given a pass, while straight men are vilified. Allow me to provide an example.
Gay Man: God damn, I would love to have the hair follicles from his meaty ass gently drifting into my oral ashtray.
ugh amen. I fucking hate having my friends describe what they want to do to a guy in detail. A simple "I'd blow him" will suffice
you're my friend precisely because I *don't* want to sleep with you, so why describe you fucking someone in detail?
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-06-08 22:13:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment