SPT: Commander Riker and The Galactic Man-slut Brigade (1923 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: bestofsteve
Rating: 1.94 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by VOTE FOR Steve's House of Pancakes (View user info) at 2005-06-09 21:52:10 EDT
The scene: The Galactic Man-slut Brigade headquarters. Commander Riker and the rest of the Galactic Man-slut executives, Han Solo, Captain Kirk and Yoda, are interviewing their newest applicant...
Commander Riker: So, what makes you think you are Galactic Man-slut material? (Strokes beard in thought)
Applicant: Well, I heard that you guys are always out banging hot alien chicks. I'm up for banging hot alien chicks. You guys are my last hope for some cosmic action. The Anime Whores Union and the Middle Earth Pimp Society already turned me down. I was kind of hoping that you guys would give me a chance.
Han Solo: So you're saying you've never banged a hot alien chick before? There is a required number of alien encounters before we let you into our organization, bub.
Applicant: I was abducted and probed once. Does that count?
Yoda: Hmm, enjoy the probe, did you? Path to the dark side, anal is. Unless chick, she is, hmm? No fatties either.
Applicant: I don't really remember much. I woke up covered in Oreo cookie dust and my balls were huge. They were the size of coconuts. The doctor thought it might be cancer, but it was just this awful fungus.
Han Solo: We expect a certain level of hygiene here at the GMB. If you've got ball-rot, then your chances are...significantly less.
Applicant: It wasn't rot. It was a fungus. It tasted good on pizza. I can lick my own balls, you want to see?
Commander Riker: Not really, thanks. What's the most dangerous thing you've ever had sex with?
Applicant: Can I hear some examples before I give my answer?
Yoda: Hmm...answer questions with questions, way of the homo that is.
Captain Kirk: (Gesturing wildly) You...talk...like you....have something wrong...with your head.
Yoda: (Smacks Kirk with his stick, knocks him unconscious)
Commander Riker: (Looks down) That's the fifth time this week you've done that. Fuck that guy pisses me off sometimes. Some one take his wallet before he wakes up. That fucker owes me twenty bucks. Anyhow, I banged a borg once. Bionic vaginas aren't very friendly, but well lubricated.
Han Solo: Dude that was probably engine oil.
Commander Riker: Well, knowing that slut it was high mileage.
Han Solo: Chewbacca's sister was a dirty whore. Really, really dirty. There was mud in her hair and everything. She slammed me up against the wall. It was really hot. Except she looked and smelled just like Chewbacca. I think they were twins or something.
Commander Riker: Maybe it was just Chewbacca in a wig.
Han Solo: (Thinks) Fuck. It was Chewbacca.
Commander Riker: In a wig?
Han Solo: ...yes?
Yoda: Fucked, you are. Lice you have.
Applicant: (Pause) How many alien bitches have you banged, Yoda?
Yoda: Hmm...when 900 years old you are, many alien bitches will you have banged. Pimps, Mace Windu and I were. See my pimp hat, would you like?
Han Solo: He's the galactic spokes-muppet for Viagra.
Yoda: Hard to get it up when 900 years old you are. 'Do or do not. There is no try.' Our motto is.
Applicant: Well, as you can see from my resume, I stalked Agent Scully for several years and Angelina Jolie tried to stab me in the eye with a fork when I broke into her house. I touched her boob. It was awesome. I was only in the hospital for six months before I could move my legs again. That's how I discovered I could lick my own balls.
Commander Riker: (Stroking beard, thoughtfully) I really don't think those count. I think Captain Picard has seen more action than that. And Urkel had more game than that guy.
Han Solo: Word, dawg.
Commander Riker: (Glares at Han) What the fuck is wrong with you?
Applicant: But I'm a team player. You guys need wingmen, right? I'll be your wingman...
Yoda: Nowhere will begging get you. Fucked you are. Not enough of a man-slut you appear to be.
Commander Riker: I agree with Yoda. (Stands and hands applicant his resume.) We'll be in touch if we ever need janitors or...I don't know. Sometimes shit gets caught in the vents. Can you poke a raccoon carcass out of a vent with a brook stick?
Applicant: Can I have sex with the carcass once I get it down?
Commander Riker: We'll see. (Strokes beard) We'll see. Take Kirk with you when you go. He tends to get all grabby after he's had a concussion. The last time, he kept calling me Spock and stroking my hair.
Applicant: (Drags Kirk out into the hallway and looks longingly back into the room before Yoda slams the door shut, Jedi style.)
Han Solo: Who's our next applicant? I have a hot date tonight.
Yoda: Your hairy boyfriend you go with, hmm?
Han Solo: (Glares)
Commander Riker: (Clears throat, stokes beard) Our next applicant is another earthling by the name of Bart Bart...
Yoda: Heard good things about Bart Bart, I have.
Han Solo: Hey, I don't have sex with Chewbacca you guys.
Yoda: And old balls I have not, hmm?
Commander Riker: (Groans) Bring in Bart Bart so we can get out of here. My phaser is getting itchy.
Yoda: As is my lightsaber.
Han Solo: I hate you guys.
Yoda: Quiet, you should be. Bitch you are. Pimp, I am.
User Reviews
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-03-13 06:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm...when 900 years old you are, many alien bitches will you have banged. Pimps, Mace Windu and I were. See my pimp hat, would you like?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-03-13 06:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yoda: Quiet, you should be. Bitch you are. Pimp, I am.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-03-13 05:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by South_African_MOFO (user info) at 2007-03-13 05:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-17 16:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this?!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-24 03:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did chewbacca taste good?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-06-15 11:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shamone!
Submitted by Or_ (user info) at 2005-06-15 03:45:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud many, many times reading this. Definitely the funniest thing I've read in a while.
Submitted by Obi-wan (user info) at 2005-06-12 18:18:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-06-12 12:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest thing on uber, this is.
Verb before subject, never must be.
Plus fucking two, this post gets.
Submitted by Affinity (user info) at 2005-06-12 06:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything that Yoda owns is by default 'Jedi'
Ergo, he has Jedi staff, Jedi underpants, Jedi pubes,
Jedi toothbrush, Jedi toe nail clippers. At lunch he
has a Jedi sandwich.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-12 04:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I started watching old episodes of TNG on Space before work. I'm rediscovering my inner-geek.
I wore a Star Trek uniform for halloween one year. The old ladies laughed at me.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-06-12 03:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you have to write a book man . yesssss.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-10 11:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-06-10 11:19:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(stokes beard) this was great.
Submitted by Jimmy_Esquire (user info) at 2005-06-10 10:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could almost picture it to be true...
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-06-10 10:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was indeed the kicker of all ass. Pure genius!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-06-10 09:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was great, no SPT warranted.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-10 06:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I saw he had the beard again on the final episode of Enterprise..not that I watched that show or anything.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-06-10 06:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
he shaved off his beard in insurrection.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-10 06:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish I could find my Riker action figure. I could make him fight my Obi-Wan Kenobi action figure.
Obi-Wan would win.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-06-10 05:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-06-10 05:09:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a huge sci fi geek, I can picture this entire scene.
Submitted by Gendo (user info) at 2005-06-10 04:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-10 02:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit. I want to put 'Slutfarmer' on his shirt. Curse work and its lack of photoshop...
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-06-10 01:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was great, I luaghed greatly
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2005-06-10 01:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed my ass off when Yoda smacked Captain Kirk with his Jedi staff.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-10 01:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was looking a little long. All his scenes were cut.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-10 01:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wore my extra loose pants for nothing. Nothing!
-- Homer Simpson
New Kid on the Block
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2005-06-10 00:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are totally wrong on that Captain Kirk thing.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-10 00:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me.
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror III
Hurrah! The quotes are back!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-09 23:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was actually pondering that just before I posted. I added the SPT at the last minute, typing it into the title line while everything else was pasted from Word.
I blame it on a temporary brain malfunction due to my lack of caffeine for today.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-09 23:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as always, gold.
in this case, alien gold.
Where's the cat?
Ohhhhhh... Chewie....
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-09 23:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why put 'SPT' in front of this? it detracts from the post by associating it with both the bandwagon and all those other pieces of shit. this was creative, original and funny.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-09 23:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-06-09 22:04:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
you know Johnathan Frakes made the recent Thunderbirds film? and I thought he had talent!
See, I want to see that now just to complain about how bad it was...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-09 22:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wanna see riker back that ass up.
i used to think he was so hot.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-06-09 22:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Commander Riker: Maybe it was just Chewbacca in a wig.
Han Solo: (Thinks) Fuck. It was Chewbacca.
Commander Riker: In a wig?
Han Solo: ...yes?
Yoda: Fucked, you are. Lice you have.
I gigglesnorted several times, but that made me inhale an ice cube.
Yes, I know you wanted to know that.
Submitted by mybrainisawaffle (user info) at 2005-06-09 22:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed. You get a gold star.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-06-09 22:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-09 22:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We had two bomb threats at work today. It was either post this, or bitch about how some moron mailed us a clock and we had to stand outside for an hour...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-06-09 22:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pimp this post is.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-06-09 22:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you know Johnathan Frakes made the recent Thunderbirds film? and I thought he had talent!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-06-09 22:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment