My wacky grocery shopping adventure (732 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: My_only_story
Rating: 1.5 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (View user info) at 2005-06-12 00:13:37 EDT
It was a beaming hot summer day in June. It was the kind of day that makes you sweat almost instantaneously as soon as you step outside from the comfort of your air condition. I walked outside to my car carrying my "essentials for shopping."
I was going to Jewel-Osco to get something I was so desperately craving. My urge for this item was immense and I couldn't wait to get the satisfaction of having it. The ride to the grocery store was rather uneventful. However, when I got to the parking lot I nearly lost my sanity.
It seemed like cars were lined up for miles. All of them were trying in a futile effort to get a parking spot closest to the store. For what seemed to be hours, I waited. Finally, when I got my chance I pulled into a spot. I waited for the asshole in front of me to park his car. When I was fairly sure he was inside the store I quickly ran to his car, propped up a paper, and took a nice shit on his hood. Of course there were a few awkward glances, but I didn't mind. I thought to myself, "What a nice surprise for that bastard to find!"
I walked up to the store feeling happy with my bag of "essentials." My attitude soon changed when I seen what was waiting for me. Guarding the entrance was exactly what I had feared.
Those Money collecting bastards...
Each had their own different colored sign. I tried to slip in unnoticed but I was caught dead in my tracks. A snot-nosed brat with a front tooth missing approached me with a blue sign that mentioned something about an Internet artist's pancreas donation fund. I fumbled through my bag and found what I was looking for. With lightning speed I slipped on my brass knuckles and backhanded that little ass monkey. He fell backwards with tremendous force and didn't get back up. They all stared at me with wide eyes and made a path to continue. I was glad to have showed them some respect.
What I wanted didn't require a shopping cart. I walked in and immediately noticed the pale white lights shining down on the scuff marked floor. I knew exactly where my prized possession was located. Unfortunately, to my disbelief the aisle was crowded with obese and elderly people. Some of which held both of those spectacular traits. Something just had to be done. I quickly brought back my fist and sucker punched the back neck of the first lard ass blocking me. The poor moron fell down with a yelp.
Now I really got their attention. Each one of them stared at me as If they wanted to maul me. I reached down inside my bag and pulled out my prized sword. I quickly began my assault on the masses of them. My sword was flying as those pathetic bastards tried to fight back. I was just too good. Throughout the store chunks of lard and pairs of Depends flew like magnificent oblong birds. The sight was almost awe-inspiring. I got up behind the last old person and donkey punched them until they slipped into unconsciousness.
I looked to where the item I had sought after was supposed to be. The shelf was completely empty. One of the shelf stockers looked on in sheer terror.
"Excuse me?" I politely questioned.
"Uh-eh-ye-yes?" he stuttered.
"Could you tell me where the cheese in a can is located?"
"Oh-um-I think-uh-we ran out."
"You have got to be FUCKING with me!" I yelled so loud I could almost feel my voice box leap out through my throat.
With that he ran for his life. It was with good reason too.
I grabbed a baseball bat from my lovely bag and approached the closest register lane. The checker was almost asleep until he seen me. I brought down the bat with quite a bit of force and crushed his skull. I then beat the living hell out of the price screen and the cash register. Everyone working just watched me on my path of destruction. After I was done, I bowed and promptly left the store into the summer heat.
I got in my car and drove to Dominick's which was only a block or two away. Seeing that I was covered in lard and adult diapers, the folks who worked there gave me a few cans for free! That night I was in canned cheese heaven.
I never was too keen on grocery shopping.
User Reviews
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-06-13 14:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why does this remind me of Japanese animation?..
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (user info) at 2005-06-13 01:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really should have changed the title. I guess I'm not known for my writing skill either.
There's 1 error I found. It's supposed to be conditioning not condition. I even proofread this bastard and didn't notice.
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (user info) at 2005-06-12 10:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Abdul (user info) at 2005-06-12 10:30:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
It would of been great ( or close enough to fool someone); but the you said that you donkey punched and elderly person. Did that mean that you were ... *ahem* bonking them up the back? Sicko.
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It's all up to your imagination. ;)
Submitted by Abdul (user info) at 2005-06-12 10:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It would of been great ( or close enough to fool someone); but the you said that you donkey punched and elderly person. Did that mean that you were ... *ahem* bonking them up the back? Sicko.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-06-12 01:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The lighting in supermarkets is set to a flicker shown to induce psychotic behavior in humans.
Oh wait......
Submitted by poster1980 (user info) at 2005-06-12 00:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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