A Senior Citizen is my Nemesis (754 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by vodka7tall <vodka7tall.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-06-13 15:01:28 EDT
Mrs. Steiner is one of our regular customers. To the average person, she's a sweet, kindly old lady who spends her days running countless little errands to keep herself occupied. But don't let her pleasant demeanor fool you. Her sweetness is really a very powerful tool of manipulation, and boy, does she know how to use it. Over the past five years I've worked for this company, her true nature has ever so slowly revealed itself to me. In actuality, this woman is demanding, manipulative, calculating, and deceptive. To put it bluntly, she's a ball-busting bitch. There is nothing sweet or kind about her. She is, in fact, my nemesis.
Now normally with a problem customer such as this one, I would have taken action to correct her unacceptable behavior. Like the customer who used to call and scream at me for absolutely no logical reason. After hanging up on him about 15 or 20 times when he would start to raise his voice to me, he finally learned that yelling at me got him nowhere, and thus began speaking to me in a much more pleasant tone of voice. Or the customer who told me, in no uncertain terms, that he was going to kill and dismember one of our "fucking" service men for arriving late that day. I explained to this customer how inappropriate it is to speak to a lady (a.k.a. me - yeah, right) with such a foul mouth, and that if he continued to threaten our employees, not only would we refuse to do service for him, but we would hand over the tape recording of his threatening phone call - that's right sir, this call is being monitored - to the authorities, and they could deal with him. He apologized profusely, begged us to continue doing service for him, and promised to conduct himself in a more appropriate manner in the future. He's been on best behavior ever since our little "chat", perhaps because he believes we're recording everything he says (which, in actually, we're not, but he doesn't need to know that). Deceptive, perhaps. Effective, definitely.
Most of these problem customers can be reasoned with, and made to understand that while an equipment breakdown is troublesome for them, we are doing our very best to try and help them, and we are doing it as quickly as we possibly can. And while treating the secretary like shit may instantly relieve some of the frustration they're feeling, it very quickly gets them on the express train to "no service for you" land.
But with this particular customer, I can't use any of my usual tactics to help her see the error of her ways. You see, she's married to quite a powerful lawyer, and nothing makes a contractor drop a big, smelly load in his drawers faster than the word "lawsuit". My employers are well aware of my distaste for this particular woman, and I have been sternly warned that I am to be nothing short of utterly, sickeningly, disgustingly courteous to her at all times, regardless of what she says or does. If for some reason she decides to come to our office, brutally beat me and sodomize me with a broom handle, I'm to politely smile and say "please, Mrs. Steiner, may I have another?" Basically, she's got me by the short and curlies, and there is nothing I can do about it.
Luckily for me, karma is on my side.
About a week ago, Mrs. Steiner called for her annual tune-up on her cooling equipment. Now June is one of the busiest times of the year for a heating & cooling contractor. Not only do we have a plethora of customers calling for their annual service, tons of customers across the city are switching on their air conditioners, and about a quarter of them don't work. As a rule, we take equipment breakdowns on priority, and annual service gets put on the backburner until we have time to get to them. That is, unless you've had the foresight to call well in advance of our busy season and book your appointment. Hell, some customers call in March just to make sure they don't have to wait. Good idea. And some of them, such as our friend Mrs. Steiner, wait until the temperature hits 92 for 3 days running before deciding to call for an appointment. Bad idea.
I told Mrs. Steiner that the soonest we could schedule her in would be June 24th. Being the demanding, ball-busting bitch that she is, this did not suit her. She had guests coming on the 13th, and wanted it serviced before they arrived. I was booked solid until then with breakdowns. I explained to her that there was absolutely no way I could fit her in before the 14th, and even then she would be taking an appointment away from someone whose equipment was not working, probably some nice little old man with a heart condition on oxygen, who would most likely keel over and die without his AC. This didn't phase her, and she begrudgingly accepted the appointment on the 14th.
Here's the kicker. There is a loophole in our appointment policy that gets you bumped to the front of the list. If your equipment breaks down, and it's equipment that we sold you and installed, we service it the same day, regardless. It often results in our mechanics working 16 hour days, but it's what we do in the name of customer service. And wouldn't you know, Mrs. Steiner is well aware of this little loophole.
Sure enough, she calls again the following day. She explains to me that she turned on her units, and one of them isn't working properly. Of course, her equipment was installed by us, and as per the policy, I page the mechanic to make a service call later that day. She asks me what time he'll be there, and the best I can tell her is sometime between the hours of 2 and 6 pm. She hangs up the phone, apparently content with her new appointment time.
At 2:03 the phone rings. The call display indicates it is Mrs. Steiner calling, yet again. This fucking bitch will just not let up.
"Good afternoon, Craig Plumbing & Heating," I say in as nice a tone as I can muster.
"This is Mrs. Steiner calling. I need to run out and do some errands, so I need to know what time he's going to be here."
"He'll be there sometime before 6:00," I answer smugly.
"Can't you narrow it down at all, I need to do some errands, and I can't just sit around all day waiting for the service man," she says.
"Listen Mrs. Steiner, you stupid fucking twat. First of all, we didn't ask you to wait all day, just 4 hours. I told you this morning he'd be there sometime between 2 and 6, so maybe you should have done your errands, oh, I don't know, say, sometime before 2:00 perhaps? Are you really that stupid, or are you just trying to piss me off?"
Okay, so I didn't really say that. But I swear it took every ounce of my being to refrain from doing so.
"Mrs. Steiner," I say, after several deep breaths. "It is impossible for me to give you an exact time of arrival due to the nature of our business. When our service man walks onto a job, he never knows if it's going to be 20 minutes or 2 hours. The best I can tell you is that he will be there sometime in the next 4 hours." This is not the first time I have explained this to her.
"Can't you please just get him on the radio and see if he has any idea what time?" There's that manipulative sweetness I warned you about. Fucking bitch.
"Hold please."
After slamming down the receiver, screaming several 4 letter words and throwing more than one item found on my desk, I contact the mechanic (who is also my boss) and explain the situation. He gives me the "20 minutes or 2 hours" speech I had just finished giving the customer. So not only do I have to be nice to this cuntrag on the phone, I get to listen to my boss' condescending lecture on the nature of the business, as if after 5 years of working here, I didn't already know.
I tell him I'm aware of how things work around here, that I have explained that to this customer several times, but she just doesn't get it. He finally says to just tell her he'll be there at 4:00.
The following day, I find in my inbox the paperwork for the service call we did for Mrs. Steiner. In bold blue ink, I see the following description written in the "work performed" section of the order: "Clean & service equipment." No parts, no repairs. All he did was a tune-up.
That fucking bitch didn't have a breakdown at all. There was nothing wrong with her equipment. She had lied about it simply to get the mechanic to her house, because she knew that once he was there, she could use that manipulative sweetness to get him to do the tune-up that she should have had to wait another 2 weeks for. The worst part is that not only did she have her way and get an appointment before the 13th, she now also believes that she has outsmarted me. I could just picture that smug little grin on her wrinkled old face, and my blood began to boil.
I became consumed with rage, and began picturing all the various ways I'd torture her before finally slitting her throat and watching her gasp for air as she bled to death. I would hover over her languid body, smiling at her politely the entire time, as her life passed slowly away. But the more I realized I'd never be able to act on any of these fantasies, as I intend to keep my job, the more visibly infuriated I became. Just before I hit the breaking point, my boss says to me "Amy, just let it go," which at this point, is about the only real choice I have.
This is where that whole "karma" thing kicks in.
This morning, the phone rings, and guess who's on the other end of the line? None other than our old pal, Mrs. Steiner. Several plots of revenge race through my head, if only I had more time to choose one before picking up the phone. I answer the call and wait to hear her request before deciding on a plan of action. This time, her kitchen sink is plugged, and she needs someone to fix it today because she has guests. Following the boss' orders, I courteously agree to send a plumber out this afternoon, all the while still plotting some sort of retribution.
Less than 20 minutes later, she calls back, only this time it's to cancel. She couldn't wait until the afternoon, so she contacted another company, which is just fine by me. Regrettably, however, my vengeance would have to wait another day.
Or would it?
A few hours after the cancellation, she calls again. This time, she's got a question for me. She wants to know how much we charge for a plumbing service call, if we charge just to come out, then charge an hourly rate, and do we charge for the use of an electric eel for snaking out drains. I explain to her our policy, that there is no charge to come out, we simply charge by time & material, with a one hour minimum charge. I told her we have 2 eels, a small one for sink drains, and a larger one for main sewers. Use of the small eel is no extra charge, but there is a $25 surcharge if we need to use the larger one.
She explains to me that the company they called charged her $100 just to pull their truck into her driveway. Then they charged her an hourly labor rate, which is probably at least $60 an hour. Then they charged her $260 for using the small eel, which didn't work. So she's already on the hook for at least $420, and now they want to use the larger eel, for which they are going to charge her well over $300. If she refuses to pay the extra money for the larger eel, it will have cost her the $420, and the problem still won't be fixed.
I can barely contain my laughter. Even if it had taken my guy 2 hours to clear that drain, and even if he had to use the large eel to do it, it would have cost her at most $160.00. She's already paid close to 3 times that, and her problem still isn't solved. But I guess that's what you get when you're a lying, cheating, manipulative, impatient, conniving, wretched old bag. I sincerely hope the old bat rots in hell, where of course, there are no air conditioners.
User Reviews
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-06-16 14:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you mean you don't record everything on the phone there at craig?
i'm going to kill you and dismember you, you fucking bitch.
what?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-06-16 13:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Too fucking long for THAT ending.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-06-14 01:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-06-14 00:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate _____
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2005-06-13 23:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-13 22:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha
bitch got fucked!
hahahahaha
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-06-13 18:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If for some reason she decides to come to our office, brutally beat me and sodomize me with a broom handle, I'm to politely smile and say "please, Mrs. Steiner, may I have another?" Basically, she's got me by the short and curlies, and there is nothing I can do about it."
here it was a +2, however the "plethora" didn't hurt.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-06-13 16:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo!
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-06-13 16:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A. Ya gotta give it up for karma.
Submitted by Haggard (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Burn the fuckin' bitch.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh my god I'm retarded.
That last post was supposed to be on SR's post, thus the reason for +2'ing myself.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, never mind.
I see that you have already given me my dues. Thanks, btw.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pwesome.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
been ayl
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:23:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
And please don't hate me for this, since I haven't read a lot of your work, but I always for some reason thought you were a guy...
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No worries, after working with nothing but plumbers and mechanics for 5 years, I practically am a guy. My husband is quite worried, actually...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:24:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've missed you since you've been away
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And please don't hate me for this, since I haven't read a lot of your work, but I always for some reason thought you were a guy...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:22:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My Pop did residential plumbing for 20 years before moving into the Denver School District this year.
I've heard MAAAAAAAAAAANY stories like this, and every time, I cringe and laugh.
Submitted by egadz (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What a cunt.
You should tell her that a guy will be there, and then don't send him.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:17:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A good read based on most of having worked some sort of job that requires customer service. I used to work at a pizza joint and this old woman used to order a pizza with two slices without cheese and then another two slices without sauce. Bitch used her sweetness against me everytime.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Karma, she be a bitch.
Submitted by 2x4fun (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
karma rules.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-13 15:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stupid old people with too much time on their hands to hassle working people.