Purely Business (Part 1) (901 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.46 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by spedmonkey <spedmonkey.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-06-14 00:36:59 EDT
Tom Mephisto was a sergeant in the Dominus City Police Department's counterfeiting force, and he was feeling pretty damn good at the moment. He leaned back in a chair across from Leonard Gregory, the head of the biggest counterfeit ring in the state, puffing a cigar. He looked around the warehouse and smiled.
"I'll tell you, Leonard, these cigars are pretty good," he said.
Gregory nodded. "I have a connection who brings them in from Cuba every so often. We have an understanding."
Mephisto took another puff. George Frankell, his partner of eight years, would love these. "Make sure you save one or two for George when he gets here," he said.
"Where the hell is George?"
"Don't worry about ol' Georgie. He said he'd be a few minutes late. Something about a family dinner. He'll be along shortly. He said we should just get started without him."
"That's not like George. He's always here for these."
"Jesus, Leonard. He'll come get his share. You know he wouldn't miss a payment."
Gregory laughed. "OK, OK. Juan?" He snapped his fingers, and the lanky guy in the corner came to the table.
"What's up, boss?" he asked.
"Tom, have you two met?" asked Gregory. "This is Juan Valinas. He's my best lieutenant."
Mephisto stood and shook hands with the man. "Nice finally meeting you," he said, nodding.
"Same," said Valinas. "Don't believe all that crap the boss is selling you. I'm just a guy making a living. He's the real brains of this. I just do what he tells me."
Gregory sighed and shook his head. "They never learn how valuable they are until their old man's gone. OK, Juan, go get the money for this fine gentleman here. Get Mr. Frankell's share, too. He'll be along shortly."
As Mephisto sat back down, Valinas walked to the door and spoke briefly to someone outside. He turned and came back to the table. "Tony'll be here in a sec with the cash," he said.
Mephisto took a few more puffs of the cigar, then ground it out in an ashtray on the table. "You know," he said reflectively, "it is pretty strange that George hasn't called or anything. He usually does."
"Whatever," said Gregory. "He probably just got held up in traffic or something. We'll just hold onto his cash until he comes."
The door opened again and a short Hispanic guy Mephisto had never seen before came in with two suitcases. He set them on the table in front of Gregory and turned to walk out, when Valinas called him back.
"Hey, Tony, you ever met Tom here before? He's one of our guys in the police. Tom, this is Tony Alvarez. He's been working with me since he was a punk kid out of high school."
Alvarez leaned over the table and offered his hand. "Hey, hermano, how's it going?" he asked.
Tom laughed and shook the offered hand. "Not bad, not bad. Wanna flip open one of those cases there and let me admire it all?"
Gregory stood. "I'll do it myself, Tommy boy. But just for you." He leaned over to the suitcase flipped the latches, and opened the lid. Inside were twelve even stacks of bills. He picked one up, and riffled through it in front of Mephisto's face. "A hundred 20's per stack, like usual," he said. Then the lights went off.
"Super," said Gregory. "I hope my gut is wrong, for once." The four men glanced around in the dark nervously.
Footsteps came from outside. The warehouse was surrounded. "Guess not," muttered Tom.
Gregory sighed. "OK, let's just walk out the door, nice and casual-like. I have a penlight on my keychain." As he reached into his pocket, the room exploded with noise and Gregory's head exploded with the impact of three hollow-point bullets.
Mephisto dropped to the floor. "Hostile down!" shouted a voice from outside. Windows shattered, and black-clad figures swung into the warehouse from outside. Mephisto heard the door slam against the wall, and then they were on top of him. One planted a knee in Mephisto's back, handcuffed him, and patted him down. Mephisto recognized him as a member of his own department's S.W.A.T. team.
"Clear!" he shouted. "Room is clear!"
The others acknowledged and fanned out across the room, holding submachine guns at the ready. The lights came back on, and more men came in through the door. One of them walked over to the table. He was wearing a helmet, but Mephisto could still see his face. His hands balled up in anger behind his back.
"Why'd you fuckers shoot Gregory?" shouted George Frankell.
"He was reaching into his pocket for a gun, sir," said one of the S.W.A.T. officers.
Frankell spat in disgust. "Gregory never carried guns!" he shouted. He stomped over to the body and pulled the hand out of the pocket. "See?" he said. "It was just a fucking flashlight! Goddamn it!" He sighed and walked over to the table. "At least the money's still here."
Then he looked around and noticed Mephisto. He began to laugh. "Well, what have we here?" he asked.
"Your fucking partner, you fucking turncoat!" shouted Mephisto with as much force as he could muster from his current position.
Frankell gestured to one of the officers standing nearby. "Stand him up," he said. An officer grabbed Mephisto and hauled him up to his feet. Mephisto glared at Frankell, who stepped closer. "Tommy, Tommy, Tommy," he began. "You should know by now that I'm not the type to take payments like that. I'm a fine upstanding member of society."
He leaned closer and whispered in Mephisto's ear. "And plus, you were the other finalist for that promotion for lieutenant. I couldn't let that happen, could I?"
He drew back, and Mephisto spat in his face. "You motherfucker," Mephisto said coldly.
Frankell blinked in surprise, then pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his face off. He shook his head and replaced it. Then, without warning, he pulled his nightstick out of his belt and clubbed Mephisto across the face with it.
The blow rocked Mephisto's head back. His head lolled, and blood began dripping almost instantly to the cold ground. Frankell sighed. "Look what you made me do, Tommy. You know I always liked you. This was business, not personal. Why can't you realize that?"
He turned and walked away. "Bring him out to a squad car," Frankell said over his shoulder. "And make sure he gets that face looked at."
User Reviews
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 13:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
its 11 oclock. do you know where your intellect is?
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:41:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck you and the hole you came out of
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2005-06-21 17:07:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-06-21 16:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops, I forgot to rate too. Good stuff.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i must have forgotten to rate this on first reading. sorry.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-06-20 18:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-19 21:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aww, someone got a little pissy about me giving you a bad rating. Come here and I'll give you a belly rub or something.
You little bitch.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-06-19 18:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I can.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-18 23:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You owe me blowjobs for life. FOR LIFE.
...and I just can't break a +2-streak....
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-15 13:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, guys. With this story, I'm trying to base it around the dialogue more than the description. You'll see why later.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-06-15 12:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
-Dave
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-06-15 12:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This good and would rock if you fleshed it out a bit.
Be a little more descriptive. Instead of saying "Tom liked rocks" try something like "The sole constant source of comfort in Tom's chaotic existance was rock collecting"
That way the story is a story and not so much reporting of facts.
That's what makes a book better than a movie. You get a peak inside the characters minds.
Here's an example:
<<Tom Mephisto was a sergeant in the Dominus City Police Department's counterfeiting force, and he was feeling pretty damn good at the moment. He leaned back in a chair across from Leonard Gregory, the head of the biggest counterfeit ring in the state, puffing a cigar. He looked around the warehouse and smiled.
"I'll tell you, Leonard, these cigars are pretty good," he said.>>
Could Read:
Seargeant Tom Mephisto took a long puff on his cigar and then let the thick smoke waft lazilly out of his mouth. He let his eyes wander around the cavernous interior of the warehouse and smiled contently. Sometimes life was good. Sometimes being on the Cities counterfeiting force had it's perks.
Finally, his eyes rested on the squat middle aged man who sat on the other side of the nondescript table. His eyes were bright and his face pudgy and Tom had to remind himself that Leonard Gregory was the head of the biggest counterfeit ring in the state.
Tom looked down that the cigar in his hands and nodded appreciatively "That's a damned fine smoke Leonard"
=================
Jesus I'm full of myself.
You can blame Munkeypants for this review.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-15 09:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time.
Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart the Fink
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-06-15 09:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it, but it seemed lacking in the character development department. the main guys dont' get personalities until late, if at all. that might have been what you were going for, i'm not sure.
solid. i'll read the 2nd
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-06-15 08:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-06-15 08:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoyable.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-15 08:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<uuunnnghhh>(tm)
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-15 08:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell me when there is more. I love a good series.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-14 01:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck, people? Did everyone on this site suddenly die? SHOW ME SOME LOVE!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-06-14 01:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment