What Do You Want, Damnit? (1256 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 2 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2005-06-15 09:07:25 EDT
Why is it that the concept of expectation can control so many emotions in people? When something exceeds our expectations, we are usually both surprised and happy. When something falls well short of what we expect, we're usually noticeably upset and melancholy. Yet, the concept itself is based essentially on probability. It's little more than a personal educated guess.
Even deeper, why are we so protective of our expectations? Some people guard them as if they were the darkest of secrets. We won't tell even those closest to us what we expect of them. They continue to fulfill their own agendas while we feel alienated and let down when they inevitably fall short of what we wanted. More often than not, these unspoken and unshared thoughts are set to such a high standard in our minds as to be impossible to achieve anyway. Still, we harbor and cling to them, even at the cost of hurting those we care about. I suppose that's more of a communication issue than anything, but I'm driving at where it starts; at what possesses us to guard them so in the first place.
It seems to make us blind as we march along through our lives. I expect you to do this. You expect me to do this. Someone is expecting both of us to do something else. Yet, not once do we share with one another what we want to happen. Nearly always, one party will be left unsatisfied. If those things were shared and the lines of communication open, does it not make sense that the chance of someone getting hurt or disappointed would drop? At the very least wouldn't a compromise be able to be reached?
What of those who share their expectations with everyone else with the exception of the person on whom those wishes are based? To me, this is the most peculiar trait of all. Maybe we subconsciously want to believe that someone else will share those feelings, giving us emotional protection by proxy. Unfortunately, this also seems to the way that inspires the most ill-feelings of any tactic when they fall short of what we expect. It's possible that in our sharing of those desires with the other parties that we want them to come true even more.
I find that I keep very few of my true feelings from anyone. If you want to know what I think or expect of you, just ask. I'll give you an honest opinion with no beating around the bush. Yes, you might think I'm an asshole or not hear what you wanted to hear, but isn't that better than you having to guess what I'm wanting? To be any other way to me just seems dubious. If you should fail to meet my expectations, I can always say that I had communicated them with you and that helps to numb any disappointment I may have. Maybe that just makes it easier for me to blame the other parties involved, too. I could just be passing the buck.
I'm just intrigued by what is at the very root that drives this concept in our mind. I wonder if it's been a long-standing trait in people, or if it's a recent development in human history. This is, of course, an argument revolving almost solely around semantic issues and could be discussed for ages, I'm sure, but if you answer only one question from this post, answer this: when you saw the title and decided to click the link, what did you expect?
<This was on the tenth page of an image search for "riddle me this"... uhhh, I don't know what to say.>
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know, you're right. It's almost become cliche. Sadly, for as many people that will say they'll give you an honest opinion, I've found that only a small percentage will actually stick by that when in a face-to-face situation. In a mostly faceless environment such as the internet, that percentage goes way up.
My question is: Is that a result of the impersonal apathy of this medium or the fact that one is forced to be more empathetic when looking directly into the eyes of another? When you can see the pain you cause, does it make you more sensitive to it?
Ok, that's two questions.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting and point on.
THIS, however, I'll question:
"I find that I keep very few of my true feelings from anyone. If you want to know what I think or expect of you, just ask. I'll give you an honest opinion with no beating around the bush. Yes, you might think I'm an asshole or not hear what you wanted to hear, but isn't that better than you having to guess what I'm wanting?"
have you ever ONCE heard someone say "If someone asks what I think, I'll always be polite, because it's more important to maintain order than to be honest and hurt someone!"?
Nope!
Why do you think that is? Why do you think that people PRIDE themselves on being honest "even if you think I'm an asshole", and think that they are one of the few who feel this way?
Because I've felt/said that before, "I'll be honest, even if it's not what they want to hear", and I do often do that... but anyway, why do people always say this, as if they were the first person to ever think to say it?
Or, why do they feel the need to say it?
THAT is an interesting question!
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2005-06-18 18:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-15 22:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't feel like you bit my head off, babe; you were just expressing yourself. If anything, we abstractly proved the point I was trying to make. If we were in a close relationship, without you telling me what I had said that hit the nerve, I wouldn't have known and it might have caused unnecessary strife if I had to figure it out on my own.
You've have gotten me curious. I'll be emailing you tonight if I can get my wireless back up.
I have to say that this post turned out a lot better than I expected. I've spent too much time in the dark lately.
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2005-06-15 17:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful post
Submitted by IllyriaBlueEyes (user info) at 2005-06-15 16:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find that i often dont speak whats on my mind, but im learning to, it seems when someone asks "whats wrong" and i say "nothing" i just end up digging myself into a little self-pitty hole. I definatly prefer when someone is up front and honest, it leaves nothing for you to wonder, thinking....."how the fuck do they really feel?"
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-06-15 16:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't mean to bite your head off, doll, your post just really hit a nerve today, and your reply hit another one. You can e-mail if you're curious. I've been meaning to e-mail you for the last couple of weeks anyway cookielass24.at.yahoo.com.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-15 16:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-15 12:49:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
actually I find that men are like that. My ex would NEVER tell me his true feelings.
it drove me nuts.
besides, when women speak their minds most men call it nagging.
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No, it's only when woman open their mouths do we think they are nagging....oh wait......
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2005-06-15 14:40:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Look at CookieLass.... nag nag nag. Typical.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-15 14:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was sarcastic stereotyping, Cookie. I was being deliberately overstated and only meant that as one of the many reasons either gender could have to cause a miscommunication. Like what just happened, curiously. I've just found that miscommunications are commonplace in all types of relationships and if you don't keep that 'line' open, things can only get worse if you leave it up to a guy to figure it out.
I didn't mean to make it sound like that was an excuse. I'm not trying to find or make any excuses here. I just find myself thinking about basic human concepts and this one I decided to share. I like knowing what everyone thinks about this stuff.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-06-15 13:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-15 12:31:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Cookie: Us men, we're just big horny monkeys. If it happens to be one of the 163,000 times a day when we're thinking about sex, we may honestly not realize we've said or done something wrong. If we then have to decipher why our mate is disgruntled, it can usually only end in disaster and more miscommunication.
My biggest peeve:
Me: What's wrong?
Her: Nothing... <while showing that something definitely IS wrong>
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Any way you want to slice it, that's a lie. And lies should be intolerable in any kind of relationship. It's just dishonorable.
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I'm really sick of the "big horny bastard" excuse. Just because you *think* you think about sex more than your partner doesn't give you the right to be ignorant as to how your words are effecting her. Let's go on with yet another stupid stereotype: we women are just crazy money-spending machines. If it happens to be one of the 163,000 time a day that we're thinking about shopping, we may not realise we've said or done something wrong.
See how ridiculous that sounds? I fail to see how sex overshadows the way you treat your significant other. You love that person (or at least REALLY like them). Their feelings and reactions should be paramount to you. If they aren't then you shouldn't be with them. Thinking about sex should never, ever overshadow your consideration for your mate. In fact, your desire for sex should MAGNIFY your consideration fo ryour mate. How often are you going to get laid if you're so busy acting like a jackass that she's pissed at you constantly? Additionaly... I fail to see how thinking about sex has anything to do with what I said in the first place. Are you implying that men are so clouded by their sexual nature that they're incapable of acting like decent human beings? Because that's the way I read that.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-15 13:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It may very well be nagging, too, but there is a reason that word has entered the vernacular: it works. I want to be nagged, as long as it's not for something I have/had no control over. I would rather know that you hate my guts than if you had nothing to say at all.
I'm the type of person that it doesn't matter if I love you or hate you, it shows that I truly care. But if I'm indifferent to someone, my apathy knows absolutely no bounds. I'd truly rather know that I have pissed you off and what about than to be left guessing in silence.
Also, I'm sure that there a lot of men who do these same things. I'm not trying to even apply this solely to intimate relationships. I have male friends who act the same way and it frustrates me no less.
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2005-06-15 13:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Monkeypants has a point.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-15 12:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
actually I find that men are like that. My ex would NEVER tell me his true feelings.
it drove me nuts.
besides, when women speak their minds most men call it nagging.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-15 12:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cookie: Us men, we're just big horny monkeys. If it happens to be one of the 163,000 times a day when we're thinking about sex, we may honestly not realize we've said or done something wrong. If we then have to decipher why our mate is disgruntled, it can usually only end in disaster and more miscommunication.
My biggest peeve:
Me: What's wrong?
Her: Nothing... <while showing that something definitely IS wrong>
---------
Any way you want to slice it, that's a lie. And lies should be intolerable in any kind of relationship. It's just dishonorable.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-06-15 12:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have got myself in trouble by saying what I mean so many times.
Yet I still do it, I can't help it.
Go figure.
-Dave
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-06-15 12:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-06-15 10:12:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I can relate to this on many levels...only recently have I been able to let go and tell people exactly what I want and need from them. In the past, I was too afraid of telling people what I really thought, and in the end I would just end up being resentful and miserable.
I also think a big reason why I didn't want to tell people what I expected from them is because I wanted them to KNOW what I wanted without me having to tell them. I still feel that sometimes, after I tell someone what I expect from them it's tainted because I told them. They aren't doing it from their heart, they're doing it because I told them how I felt.
I know that seems fucked up, but that's how I view it. At the very least, they know how I feel an acknowledge it. What more could I ask for, really?
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I know what you mean about it feeling tainted... for instance: Boyfriend says something hurtful, you'd like him to make it up to you, but you don't want to have to tell him HOW to do it, because then he didn't think it up on his own. This sort of situation is also where the "if you have to ask, I'm not going to tell you" reflex comes from when we're mad. I try not to use that crap, but sometimes it's as though they're morons for not realising that what they did/said or didn't do/say would hurt you, and that if they knew you in ANY capacity, they'd realise that those things are hurtful.
Call it immature, call it stupid, I don't care. It's just an explanation.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-15 11:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-15 11:05:45 (#)
Ranking: -2
Who the hell started a rational discussion on Uber? This isn't the place for that shit. This post sucks ass. You're a fuckstick, SilvrWolf.
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yeah, you goober! you should be writing about michael jackson or camwhoring!
what kinda site do you think this is???
<shakes head in disappointment>
Submitted by Vix (user info) at 2005-06-15 11:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 Rodger Miller!
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2005-06-15 11:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pentameter: You just stated in your first review that you did the exact same thing I just described, but because I put it in a way that made it sound 'immature', which is a misnomer because there really IS not such thing as human maturity, you renigged. Truth is, you like to THINK that you just tell someone what you feel, but you don't all the time. Noone would expect you to all the time.
Silvrwolf: That's exactly what I'm saying! You said it for me! It's a base instinct. The female orangatan, for example, is going to have certain expectations for any mate she chooses. If he were to deviate from that, he would be scolded, or simply replaced with another mate. You think animals can't reason? Dude, we ARE animals! Let's all stop being so anthropocentric and realize just what we really are.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-15 11:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Who the hell started a rational discussion on Uber? This isn't the place for that shit. This post sucks ass. You're a fuckstick, SilvrWolf.
Ahhh... that's better.
Pentameter, you and I seem to share similar views on this subject. When I got a little older, I woke up to realize how many games people play and how much it really gets in the way of building good relationships w/ people. I just lay my cards on the table now with everyone and the unnecessary stress in my life has fast faded. It IS very liberating.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-06-15 10:51:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yet, if we want someone to just "know" our very thoughts, why then are we so protective of sharing them willingly? It just seems to me that if everything is open to begin with, that familiarity and intuitiveness you seek will soon follow as second nature.
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That's right...and before I became an adult, I thought that people were supposed to "know me know me" through osmosis. That doesn't happen.
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Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2005-06-15 10:38:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pentameter's explanation of her feelings is a classic example of what a woman look for in a mate. Women all want a mate who is considerate enough to think about HER feelings first - to anticipate when things are going wrong and correct them, to know what she's feeling without her having to say it because the kind of love she's always imagined she'd find in someone included a deeper connection than just a mental or physical one.
Finally, they want someone who cares enough to think about why their woman is upset in the first place, and they'll surely disagree with this, but the more he suffers trying to discover why she's so upset, the more she's reassured he loves her.
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That's an immature way to look at a relationship with another person, and I do point that out. I don't feel that way anymore, because I know that the only way someone can know me is by me telling them about me.
I have no problem turning around and saying to my boyfriend, "This is making me angry. It's hurting my feelings...blah blah blah." And he would say, "I didn't realize that." And then the problem is solved.
It is completely liberating to be able to tell someone how you feel.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-15 10:48:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't hide them. I know that if you don't speak then no one will know. Then you're only disappointing yourself. I do understand what you're saying, though. I'm close to someone who has a hard time placing any expectations on another for fear of hurting people with them if they can't meet them. I wish he'd get over it.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-15 10:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Vengeance, you're speaking of the instinct form of expectation which again falls into semantic debate. If it is, in fact, an intinctual and not conditioned response, then do lower animals also possess expectations? If you think yes, then you must concede that they have basal reasoning abilities, as well. I understand what you're saying, but I see no evidence of that type of behavior in nature. I think when it comes to choosing a mate, it's much more instinctual (and lesser understood processes) in animals than what they actually might expect from their mate.
Why and where, then, did it become important for it to be so guarded?
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2005-06-15 10:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pentameter's explanation of her feelings is a classic example of what a woman look for in a mate. Women all want a mate who is considerate enough to think about HER feelings first - to anticipate when things are going wrong and correct them, to know what she's feeling without her having to say it because the kind of love she's always imagined she'd find in someone included a deeper connection than just a mental or physical one.
Finally, they want someone who cares enough to think about why their woman is upset in the first place, and they'll surely disagree with this, but the more he suffers trying to discover why she's so upset, the more she's reassured he loves her.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-15 10:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I also think a big reason why I didn't want to tell people what I expected from them is because I wanted them to KNOW what I wanted without me having to tell them."
Beautiful reply, Pentameter. Yet, if we want someone to just "know" our very thoughts, why then are we so protective of sharing them willingly? It just seems to me that if everything is open to begin with, that familiarity and intuitiveness you seek will soon follow as second nature.
Munkey: I WANT people to shoot holes in how I think. That's why I wrote this, and you have some valid points. That's why I'm so intrigued at getting to the real root of where this obviously latent psychological trait comes from. I don't want to hurt anyone I care about in what I expect from them nor in their expectations of me, but I won't sacrifice my integrity. And it really does boil down to honesty; whether with yourself or those you care about.
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2005-06-15 10:26:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Expectation is a survival technique and harkens back to a time when it was more necessary in a hunter/gatherer society. It's manifested in many different ways.
Women do it more because they are more attune genetically to their need to choose a mate that will keep them safe and secure. If a male fails to live up to the expectations the female has set for them, they will likely choose another mate. It's all pretty animalistic.
I think what you're talking about is not really about people who carry 'expectation'. It's more about people who superimpose a certain image on someone to make them what they WANT them to be - not what they are. Then the disappointment comes, not from the falling short of an expectaion, but of a disillusionment when they discover that things aren't exactly as they tried to convince themselves they were. The silence comes because of the shame of them knowing that it was really their own naivete that got them into this mess in the first place.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-15 10:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what if your expectations are too high? unless they are flexible chances
are you'll never be happy. Chances are slim that you'll find someone
who fits your exact specifications. whether it be romantic or friendship.
well, to a certain extent, voicing your expectations from the get go can be harmful.
you could be missing out on something great because the other person knows they
will fall short.
I am not poking holes through what you are saying. I just am very accepting of most
anybody.
I have to think on this awhile...
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-06-15 10:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost hate to queer myself like this, but +2 for Roger Miller
"King of the Road" is a great song.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-06-15 10:12:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can relate to this on many levels...only recently have I been able to let go and tell people exactly what I want and need from them. In the past, I was too afraid of telling people what I really thought, and in the end I would just end up being resentful and miserable.
I also think a big reason why I didn't want to tell people what I expected from them is because I wanted them to KNOW what I wanted without me having to tell them. I still feel that sometimes, after I tell someone what I expect from them it's tainted because I told them. They aren't doing it from their heart, they're doing it because I told them how I felt.
I know that seems fucked up, but that's how I view it. At the very least, they know how I feel an acknowledge it. What more could I ask for, really?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-15 09:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And this really isn't about women at all, although it seems females are more prone to hiding their expectations. I just wonder why and where it began in the first place. When I force myself to look at it logically, the very concept of expectation seems absurd to me.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-15 09:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Personally, I think you can only hurt someone more by hiding your true feelings, munkey.
I would rather you tell me that you're pissed at something I've done or not done than to make me guess about it or make me read the signs.
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2005-06-15 09:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They're called 'women', dude.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-15 09:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes. I often hide my true feelings from people in fear of hurting them.