The Galactic Man-Slut Brigade and the Ikea Showdown (1382 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: bestofsteve
Rating: 1.94 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's House of Organic Pancakes (View user info) at 2005-06-16 21:07:57 EDT
Scene: The Galactic Man-Slut Brigade is on the search for new office furniture after an unfortunate incident involving a female Hutt, Captain Kirk and a giant tub of mustard and several midgets. They've since traveled to the universe's largest Ikea. The bathroom section supports its own ecosystem and the kitchen department has two moons. Several new species of humanoids are discovered daily in home appliances.
The situation is very grim for our heroes...
Commander Riker: (Pushing cart full of useless crap they didn't intend to buy and didn't realize they needed until they got to the store) I still don't see why we need bunk beds for the conference room.
Han Solo: We should really consider a small putting green for the far corner. I found some golf clubs out of the dumpster behind my house the other day. Does this place have a golf course department?
Yoda: Next to the 'Get Your Head Out of Your Ass' section, that is. Ikea's advice you should take, hmm?
Commander Riker: (Looks around) Aw fuck, where's Kirk? I told you guys to keep him on the leash. That's why we bought him that harness - so he would stop choking himself with that collar.
Han Solo: I thought that harness was for the sling in the...
Yoda: Your cake hole you should shut. Get this over with, we should. Gay we look. Gayer than Han, perhaps.
Han Solo: I'm not gay!
Yoda: Pink panties, you are wearing, yes?
Han Solo: My balls need to be cradled gently in the soft satin of women's underwear, I'll have you know. Or else they chafe against my milky, white thighs.
Yoda: No pubes, you have. Wax you do. Gay, that is.
Commander Riker: (Groans) Fine. Let's just buy some pillows and toss them around the place and...
(Suddenly Kirk runs full steam into their cart, crashing it into a table display. He screams and his shirt falls off. He's clutching a sparkling, purple scarf and mumbling something incoherent.)
Captain Kirk: If you...want to be...my lover...you gotta get...with...my friends...Windex isn't for...drinking....I have no...eyes....
Commander Riker: Holy flaming, fucking Ewoks.....Where'd he get that scarf?
Han Solo: Scarf department? Scarf rack? Scarf land? Scarf..
Commander Riker: Stop saying scarf!
Han Solo: I try so hard because I love.
Commander Riker: (Strokes beard and examines the scarf) There's only one person this super sexy, ultra suave scarf could belong to it has to be...
Lando: ME!
(From behind a masterly crafted bookcase, complete with a detachable television stand made out of fine mahogany, jump out the Intergalactic Negro Pimp Organization.)
Lando: That's Lando's scarf, cracka. You give it back to Lando.
Commander Riker: Calrissian! I knew you were behind these shenanigans. Kirk gave himself a concussion. I told you loud noises and black folks frightened him. And yarn. That fucker hates yarn.
Mace Windu: Riker, shut your damn mouth before I slap that beard off your face and use it to decorate my pimped out apartment.
Will Smith: Um yeah, whities.
Han Solo: You guys let Will Smith into your club but you wouldn't let me in if I colored myself with a brown magic marker? Unfair. (Pouts)
Lando: Well, white crackers like you were suing Lando for discrimination. Lando needs his money to keep his hot tubs filled with cash for the ladies. It turns out Will Smith wasn't white enough so Lando had to let in...Wesley Crusher.
Wesley: (Jumps out) Wesley! Woo-woo! I'm a pimp, you guys. Pimp-man, nah nah nah nah, PIMP-MAN! (Thrusts groin wildly in all directions) Look at my hot package!
Mace Windu: (Punches him in the balls) Shut the fuck up.
Wesley: Eeek, my mini-Wesleys! Swim, boys, swim upstream and be safe from the mean man of hatred! Oh God, I can taste my own sperm!
Will Smith: Here's twenty bucks. Go get us some fried chicken, watermelon and Sprite. And three sprigs of lilacs. And maybe some scented candles.
Wesley: (Clutching his crotch) If I get that stuff, will you guys let me ride in the front seat of the pimpmobile on the ride home? I can't hold onto the luggage rack anymore. My fingers are all raw and hurt and I cry at night holding a picture of a pony...the pony I'll never have...
Mace Windu: Go before I break those fingers off and shove them up your white, cracker ass, cracker.
Yoda: Cracker you should stop saying. Stereotypes you are being.
Lando: Don't make Lando put his foot in your ass, you green bastard.
Yoda: It you should bring, bitch, hmm?
Lando: You ain't makin' no sense to Lando. And Lando passed the sixth grade. He's plenty smart.
Commander Riker: Okay, guys, there has to be a way to settle this peacefully. We'll give you back your scarf, Lando, if you promise to stop trying to buy our office from us with KFC coupons and free shoe shines. We won't fall for it again. This time, we know you're not the black Donald Trump.
Lando: Only if you promise to stop hitting up our hos. And cruising our hood listening to Billy Joel records. But mostly the hos. Lando's bitches don't need no skanky white-boys sneakin' around in their khaki pants and sweater vests and their sexy, sexy tight t-shirts.
Han Solo: Aw, but I love the black bitches.
Mace Windu: You couldn't get black ass if it fell out of the sky and landed in your lap and was stuck there by some super glue you just happened to be rubbing on your fool self.
Captain Kirk: (Jumps to his feet and sniffs the air) I smell...rabbits...and...very sexy...French perfume...but mostly...tasty, tasty rabbit....
Yoda: Hrummm...Harpy, I sense. Strumpet-harpy with a bit of anorexic slut, yes. And touching himself, Wesley is.
Will Smith: Will some one pay attention to me? My jacket smells like Chinese food. And bananas. I live in a tent in my garage. My wife was in the Matrix! I have Velcro stapled to my stomach.
Mace Windu: You're lucky my mom likes you or I would stab you with those tiny pencils they hand out, nigga. Right in your eyes, bitch. You want to be blind, huh?
Wesley: (Runs in) I forgot what you guys wanted so I got everyone prune juice. Prune juice works, right my niggers?
Lando: Welsey, shut the fuck up and tell Lando if you saw a specter of evil heading this way?
Commander Riker: Something of unimaginable horror.
Han Solo: Something that turns your blood into acid, brings winter to worlds of eternal summer and leaves a bad taste in your mouth, like if you forget to brush your teeth after you drink milk before bed.
Will Smith: I can dislocate my shoulders! And bake seven kinds of brownies. Who wants to give me a hair cut? I can sing? Who wants a copy of my CD? I saw a polar bear once. I know Tyra Banks!
Wesley: Well, I didn't see anyone...well, except Celine Dion.
Everyone: Celine Dion!
Captain Kirk: Olivia Newton-John! Grease lighting! (Dances, disco-style)
Mace Windu: (Punches him in the balls) Shut the fuck up.
Captain Kirk: Not...my...balls...need them to...think...and stir...pudding...I am...captain of...the ducks...ducks avenge my...death....the death of....my balls...
Han Solo: But Celine Dion can shoot rabbits out of her vagina! We can't deflect rabbits with our manly prowess. We need to hide and think of a plan. And call Chewbacca. And my mom. She'll get worried if I'm up late and have to fight evil.
Commander Riker: Han, I had sex with your mom this morning. She doesn't give a damn about you. But Lando, Celine Dion must not be allowed to bring her terror-storm of evil to the peaceful land of Ikea. Truce until we've defeated Celine Dion? Her evil smell grows closer by the second. She's like Cher mixed with a French poodle, hit by a truck and poured into the mold of a small horse that walks upright and eats souls...
Lando: A'ight, you tight t-shirt wearing, sexy bastard. Until Celine Dion is defeated, Lando will be your friend.
(Suddenly a crushed, dead, slimy rabbit comes flying into a desk display followed by the distinct harpy screams of Celine Dion. Evil fills the air. The Ikea is at a stand still. Some where, the turtles are crying and the birds are flying into puddles of wine.)
Yoda: Behind that finely crafted wicker couch we should hide. Plan we should. Defeat the skank, we must.
Wesley: Word, nigger.
Han Solo: Shut the fuck up.
Mace Windu: Han, you're not so bad after all.
Han Solo: Will you come to my birthday party?
Mace Windu: Hell no.
(Rabbit flies and hits Han in the head)
Lando: White boys can't duck.
Captain Kirk: I am...commander of... the ducks.
Yoda: All crackers, you are.
The End?
User Reviews
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2006-07-15 14:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed til I cried.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-06-24 03:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DON'T QUIT NOW, DARKO!
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-07-21 16:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha... WORD
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-06-28 01:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually this post is rated lower than your other one and has less hits. UBER IS RACIST! Lando is gonna have to come down and start regullatin.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-28 01:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nuh-uh.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-06-28 01:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know the only reason this post is any good is because of Lando.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-28 00:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-28 00:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Somebody loves me!
I love me! I love me! I'm as good as I can be!
...too much sugar.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2005-06-28 00:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I passed out because I couldn't stop laughing...this was about ten minutes ago. Honestly, I think that I may have killed my remaining brain cells when I hit the keyboard with my head and bled onto my desk. But it was well worth it. This was absolutely, fan-fucking-tastically hilariously awesome. I love you.
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-06-17 19:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yoda: Your cake hole you should shut. Get this over with, we should. Gay we look. Gayer than Han, perhaps.
Han Solo: I'm not gay!
Yoda: Pink panties, you are wearing, yes?
Han Solo: My balls need to be cradled gently in the soft satin of women's underwear, I'll have you know. Or else they chafe against my milky, white thighs.
Yoda: No pubes, you have. Wax you do. Gay, that is.
--
Amazing
Submitted by Affinity (user info) at 2005-06-17 13:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this happened to me yesterday
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-06-17 12:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
More Ikea.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-17 12:17:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
silly
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny this shit is.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You will never understand
How it feels to live your life
With no meaning or control
When there's nowhere else to go
You're amazed that they exist
And it burns so bright
That you can only wonder why.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-06-17 01:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to read this twice, i think it affected me.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-06-17 00:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHATNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You'll never live like common people
You'll never do whatever common people do.
You'll never fail like common people.
You'll never watch your life slide out of view,
and dance and drink and screw!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-06-16 22:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lando!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-06-16 22:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-16 22:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-06-16 22:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do or do not... there is no trying to wear panties.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am the only Uberuser in Vancouver. It's lonely & no one will lend me money...
C'mon down!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know what was going through your mind when you wrote this.
Drugs.
Submitted by mysterious.adventure (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wesley: (Runs in) I forgot what you guys wanted so I got everyone prune juice. Prune juice works, right my niggers?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And Kai...thanks.
I think.
I'm driving to your house to watch the Hockey Gladiators fight. I'll bring the beef jerky.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/68205 <- the first one
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate AIM transcripts too - auto -2.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do I find your shit so completely unreadable?
LANDO Colt 45 and 2 zig zigs, baby that's all I need........
The kids won't get that one.....
Submitted by AstheRuinfalls (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:24:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh.