Tales from the crypt--- errr, I mean, my new job. (1265 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: work
Rating: 1.7 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2005-06-16 21:28:33 EDT
About two months ago I quit my job. The first few weeks were spent "being free". I hung out with friends, stayed up late, and otherwise relished in my new-found-freedom. I drove down to Chicago with 6 other girls, met up with Ole Boy (Bart), and went to a drag show, a gay bar, and exactly 10287 straight bars- all in one night.
A few weeks later I found myself bored on a Friday night, so I drove to Canada and met Genko and TheCaes. We went to a petting zoo, and then I drove home.
Then I realized my money was running out, and I needed a job. I spent a few days browsing Monster.com and the local wanted ads. That was a depressing ordeal. Just as I resigned myself to living on the streets, a good friend of mine called and told me about the company where he works.
After an extremely grueling interview process, they hired me. The coolest thing (or so I thought, at the time) was that I wouldn't start for another two weeks.
Those two weeks were the longest of my life. I had run out of money, I had drank all I could drink, smoked all I could smoke, and exhausted myself by doing nothing.
I don't know if I had ever been so utterly bored in my entire life.
Then I started training with my new company. My boredom has been replaced with 12 hour days, hour long commutes, and annoying people who have no idea how to shut the fuck up. I've never been a tolerant person. I can get along with just about anyone, but I can also be highly annoyed by just about everyone. Annoyed at their stupidity, mainly.
On the first day, 239 other new-hires and I packed ourselves into the companies meeting room. We all sat up straight, pens aimed at our notepads, and listened to the owner (or... chairman of the company... whatever he's called) give us his five hour welcome speach.
The owner is fairly famous, due to the fairly famous company that he owns, and also due to the fairly famous basketball team that he owns, and due to the famous famous team that he sponsors. He's quite charming, eloquent, inspirational and interesting. He told us about how the company will trust us if we trust it. He asked, "Has anyone here ever worked for a company that didn't trust them? A company that cut corners at the expence of their employees happieness?". We all nodded and smiled. We were glad we'd be working for a better company!
Then one girl raises her hand. One of his assistants hands the girl a wireless microphone, and she says, "Yeah!!! I worked for a company that wouldn't buy cups for our coffee!!! They were THAT cheap!".
"Yes, that's what I mean! How did everyone feel when they were denied this one little perk?" he asked her.
"Oh, we got back at them... we all just started stealing."
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!??
Then he asked us how we found our jobs. Did we know someone who worked for the company? Did we see ads in the paper? Another girl raises her hand and said, "My mom told me to come work here".
"Great! Does your mom work with us?"
"No."
"Oh, well how did she know to recommend us to you?"
"I don't think she cared. She just told me that she was tired of seeing me lay around the house all day on the couch... so she filled in the application for me, and told me to come drop it off".
Wow. Just wow. Obviously I was one of many talented people they recruited. Huh.
A few days later we break down into smaller groups.
There is one woman in my group who "leads motivational classes to help change peoples lives". That was all she needed to say for me to realize that she was talking about Landmark Education. I talked about it here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/38484 . It's this 'cult-like' self-help forum that sucks people dry of their finances and pumps them full of bullshit. All week she's been offering little tid-bits of wisdom, such as "You can make anything out of your life that you want!!!!!!".
And there are two girls who are either incredibly stupid or pay absolutly no attention, or both. They are the token "question askers". They always ask about things that have already been covered, or they ask about things that ONLY pretain to THEM, with total disregard to the fact that the ENTIRE group is being held over because they are too idiotic to realize that there is a TIME AND A PLACE for personal questions. In an 8 hour training session these girls are asking upwards of 20 questions each. 15 of the questions have already been covered, 2 of the questions are on topics that are scheduled for later in the week, and three of the questions don't concern anyone but them.
The guy sitting next to me looks just like Apollo88, which is disturbing on its own. He also acts strange, like Apollo88 surely does. He's big on "shocking" people by saying things like "Skullfucking". He has used his entire pad of post-its to make his desk yellow. He boo's the girls who ask questions. I'm torn between thinking he's an asshole and thinking he's hillarious.
On that note, I've met MANY people who remind me of others. There is a short version of TheCaes working with me, and we've already decided that we are "best friends". There are a few HR people who remind me of local friends. I've been asked 3 times if I'm related to someone named Michelle. I met Michelle today, and we look nothing alike, nor do we act alike (as far as I can tell)... but there must be something to it, right?
There is one woman who is in her late 30's who annoys me the most. She's very attractive and fit. She dresses well, has a great haircut, pretty smile and bright eyes.
Ah-ha! No, I'm not annoyed because she's beautiful. I'm annoyed because every time I look at her she is doing one of two things:
1). Giving the male instructors sultry sex-pot looks while batting her lashes.
2). Mean-mugging the other very pretty girl in the room.
Beautiful people tend to lose their beauty when they are oozing insecurity. Not that I'll ever have to worry about that. It's just an observation.
So that's all my bitching about the people. There's good stuff, too.
I sit at a table with 8 other people. There are 5 tables of 8 in the room. My table is "the cool table". We joke around, never ask questions, gave ourselves a cool nic-name, take smoke breaks together, and other such tom-foolery. We're also the first ones done with all of the "training excercizes", have the highest scores on our little mini-tests, and have been recruited to the most powerfull team in the company.
I'll be rich soon, don't worry.
User Reviews
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-06-20 21:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. But remember about that fiasco a few months back; be wary about creepy assholes who find out your personal info (i.e., what company you work at and what your real identity is) and report your funny - and, inevitably, inappropriate - posts to your job. I like nuggets of corn in my Ubersite, and there's no surer way for those nuggets to disappear than for them to lose their jobs and stop paying electric bills to power their computers.
Don't kill me because this will probably never happen; I'm just a little edgy tonight.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-06-20 20:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I worked... We have an hour for lunch, and I just bring my lunch and eat at my desk. I'm getting fat enough, I dont need to be eating out every day.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-20 14:14:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not working today? or do you have the late shift?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-06-20 12:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What question?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-20 07:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you still evaded the original question.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-06-17 19:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
aPOLLO88- You've said that twice now.. once on the nigger post, and now here. I have an excelent sense of humor, and an ample/sweet/luscious/round ass... so you are half right.
Xcuses- It is a bit of a drive, but I don't mind it. People who can't sell wouldn't last long at this company. Fortunatly I'm not worried about it.
Caesar- Awkward? What? If nothing else, you can be proud that I'm at least TRYING to correct my spelling now. Fuck. Although I realize that spelling isn't an accurate measure of intellegence, I'm also starting to realize that good spelling is a fun goal to work towards. I must have goals in my life!
Viscoiaurrrruffs: Math+Corinne=durrr (haha I rock I rule etc etc etc)
Kimmie: Thanks dude.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-17 14:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-06-17 12:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I look forward to your posts. Always interesting and real.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-06-17 12:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-06-17 12:17:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always felt that an intelligent person should be allowed to kill at least one "token question asker" per year without having to answer to anyone.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-06-17 11:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I sit at a table with 8 other people. There are 5 tables of 8 in the room.
Would that not suggest that either:
a) There are actually 9 people at the tables, at least yours, or:
b) You only sit at a table of 7 other people?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hiLarious less and less
***************
I am totally taking credit for the syntax of your response. All hail me.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-06-17 09:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sales sucks.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-06-17 09:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is this, preschool?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had friends that used to work there, actually one still does.
I'll be curious to hear how it goes in about 6 months
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have figured out which company you work for.....
That is a long commute for you. Good luck
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i TIED TO RATE THIS EARLIER. IT MADE MY pc CRASH.
i'M OFF TO START Mean-mugging.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:27:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
apollo88- I don't mean to say you look disturbing. I mean that it's disturbing that this dude looks very similar to you. I don't think you'd boo girls asking questions, but if I were to compare this guys "real" persona to the one you present to us here on uber, I'd say you were very similar.
I'm thinking you're hiLarious less and less these days. Your turn-about in regards to me is annoying. Before you used to look for reasons to +2 me and throw out compliments, and now it's quite the opposite. I think I'll have Shandy analyze this for me.
Shandy? Go ahead. """
less and less eh?
pft! you wouldn't know hilarious if it bit you on your ample arse.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha Rad, yes, it is one of those... although I don't want to say which, because I have this nagging fear that someone will find uber. Actually... I think I've already gone too far in depth. I won't be posting about my job again. Or if I do, I'll use my other uber account. Maybe I should just switch over and start using that account.
I'm paranoid now.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:50:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it one of these?
I came up with them off the top of my head.
1 Wegmans Food Markets
2 W. L. Gore
3 Republic Bancorp
4 Genentech
5 Xilinx
6 J. M. Smucker
7 S. C. Johnson & Son
8 Griffin Hospital
9 Alston & Bird
10 Vision Service Plan
11 Starbucks
12 Quicken Loans
13 Adobe Systems
14 CDW Corporation
15 Container Store
16 SAS Institute
17 Qualcomm
18 Robert W Baird
19 QuikTrip
20 HomeBanc Mortgage
21 David Weekley Homes
22 TDIndustries
23 Valero Energy
24 Network Appliance
25 JM Family Enterprises
26 American Century Investments
27 Cisco Systems
28 American Cast Iron Pipe Company
29 Stew Leonard's
30 Whole Foods Market
31 Baptist Health South Florida
32 Arnold & Porter
33 Amgen
34 American Fidelity Assurance
35 Goldman Sachs
36 Bronson Healthcare Group
37 American Express
38 Timberland
39 Pella
40 National Instruments
41 Plante & Moran
42 Alcon Laboratories
43 Symantec
44 SRA International
45 Recreational Equipment, Inc. (REI)
46 Kimley-Horn
47 Perkins Coie
48 Memorial Health
49 Sterling Bank
50 Synovus
51 Four Seasons Hotels
52 Guidant
53 MITRE
54 Station Casinos
55 Hot Topic
56 A.G. Edwards
57 Microsoft
58 General Mills
59 Baptist Health Care
60 Arbitron
61 Principal Financial Group
62 IKEA North America
63 Marriott International
64 Intuit
65 Aflac
66 Procter & Gamble
67 Discovery Communications
68 First Horizon National
69 St. Luke's Episcopal Health System
70 SEI Investments
71 Medtronic
72 Vanguard Group
73 Eli Lilly
74 Emmis Communications
75 Booz Allen Hamilton
76 Pfizer
77 Wm. Wrigley Jr.
78 Bingham McCutchen
79 Granite Construction
80 Ernst & Young
81 Mayo Clinic
82 PricewaterhouseCoopers
83 Monsanto
84 Popular
85 Men's Wearhouse
86 Texas Instruments
87 CarMax
88 Nordstrom
89 MBNA
90 Deloitte & Touche
91 Morrison & Foerster
92 Harley-Davidson
93 Simmons
94 Publix Super Markets
95 John Wiley & Sons
96 FedEx
97 Roche Holdings
98 Bright Horizons Family Solutions
99 Sherwin-Williams
100 Valassis
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no, thats not it
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plante & Moran?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The company also ranks in the "Top 100 companies to work for in america"... so it's a decent gig. I swear. I swear!!!!!!!!!! (not that it would matter at this point- I needed a job so bad that I probably would have signed up for just about anything)
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and it's not telemarketing or fast food. It's sales.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
apollo88- I don't mean to say you look disturbing. I mean that it's disturbing that this dude looks very similar to you. I don't think you'd boo girls asking questions, but if I were to compare this guys "real" persona to the one you present to us here on uber, I'd say you were very similar.
I'm thinking you're hiLarious less and less these days. Your turn-about in regards to me is annoying. Before you used to look for reasons to +2 me and throw out compliments, and now it's quite the opposite. I think I'll have Shandy analyze this for me.
Shandy? Go ahead.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-06-17 03:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you need a camping trip
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 03:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The guy sitting next to me looks just like Apollo88, which is disturbing on its own. He also acts strange, like Apollo88 surely does. He's big on "shocking" people by saying things like "Skullfucking". He has used his entire pad of post-its to make his desk yellow. He boo's the girls who ask questions. I'm torn between thinking he's an asshole and thinking he's hillarious."""
Couple of points old sprout :
I don't capitalise the A in apollo88.
Secondly I DO NOT LOOK DISTURBING.
I do not 'act strange'.
I would boo the girls asking questions.
"""I'm torn between thinking he's an asshole and thinking he's hillarious.""" - Just like apollo88.
Hilarious has only one 'L'.
How's the telemarketing working out?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 03:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
didn't you say you got fired from your job for forgetting to go to work?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-06-17 00:41:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
zzzzz...
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-06-17 00:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your a sweet little thing, never fart in front of me and break that image please.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-06-17 00:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-06-16 23:47:59 (#)
Ranking: 1
He boo's the girls who ask questions
------------
he's hilarious
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-06-16 23:59:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He's hilarious. Give him my phone number, I wish to recruit him as my pet.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-06-16 23:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
He boo's the girls who ask questions
------------
he's hilarious
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-06-16 23:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to say something but now I forgot.
Wait, no, I remember.
You stole my word.
Tomfoolery.
Give it back.
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2005-06-16 23:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha nugget
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-06-16 23:38:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't think she cared. She just told me that she was tired of seeing me lay around the house all day on the couch... so she filled in the application for me, and told me to come drop it off".
If that moron makes more money than me, I am going to inflict murder upon him.
Cool post, dude.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-06-16 23:05:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You got job with McDonalds?!?
Kidding.
I detest women that bat their eyelashes to get their way. I can see right through it. What pisses me off even more are the dumbasses that actually fall over themselves when it gets done to them.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-06-16 22:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-06-16 22:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sure, +2 for your life. Bravo!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:35:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I always +2 your slice o' life posts, did you ever notice?
Just imagine what my life is like....
***
So is that like +2ing my life? Like "+2 nugget, I approve!!"?
heh thanks, though.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe you should kill them all...hey, it's an option - right?
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:36:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im so glad i work alone.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always +2 your slice o' life posts, did you ever notice?
Just imagine what my life is like....
Submitted by WellFedEthiopian (user info) at 2005-06-16 21:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats. Make sure they don't swith to Swinglines from the Bostons.