Taking a shit at work, an adventure in losing a stool. (2004 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.87 on 65 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Paul Hibbert (View user info) at 2005-06-17 06:39:37 EDT
This morning it was my unfortunate requirement to pass a rather large dump; by pass I of course mean that I ejected it via my rectal passage- not that we acknowledged each other as we strolled in opposing directions down the office corridor.
Upon my initial entering of the bathroom I noted a sign indignantly demanding that I wash my hands, I found such a request a little uncouth seeing as I hadn't yet used the facilities. However after careful consideration it dawned on me that my clean ass had been cleanly placed in my clean pants that morning and it seemed senseless to dirty it with my grubby hands so I duly obeyed the sign, in any case it would save me washing my hands afterwards.
I noted also the illiterate scrawl of the cleaning staff, which read: "Smoking in these toilets can lead to cause of fire", which confused me no end because I thought that smoking was the cause, this however was not my primary concern I thought as I took another drag on my cigarette. My primary concern was how I was ever going to get out of the stall... The cleaning staff had hung the 'out of order' sign on the inside of the cubicle door!
I didn't like the idea of risking the possibility that it was just hung there for storage... I had embarrassed myself quite badly only the week before by ignoring a 'cleaning in progress' sign and consequently urinating on Maureen the cleaning lady. The little old woman had looked up from her scrubbing with a flash of disdain, and more than a hint of piss across her face. 'No' I thought focusing my thoughts on my present predicament, the whole world outside was clearly off limits and I was trapped with my stinky aquaintance.
I sat for hours wallowing in my own stench before I heard the familiar splat of retard-drool hit the floor outside my cubicle. Joe was not a clever man, nor was he the cleanliest of cleaners. "Your shit smells like shit, hurr hurr hurr" he slurred through broken teeth. Outrage! I realised the world outside had in fact been in perfect working order the whole time and I had been japed by the cleaning staff! Furthermore my odour had been ridiculed by Spazmo the retard janitor. That's not the sort of thing I take lying down, and even if I was to take it I would certainly do it stnading up.
I stopped lying down and burst through the cubicle door. I punched Jo repeatedly in the face before my attention was drawn to another sign "Please leave these toilets as you would expect to find them"... so I wrote my name on the wall in my own shit and left the bleeding retard whimpering in the corner.
With the toilets left exactly as I had expected to find them I continued on my way.
It troubles me to observe that the sign that asked me to wash my hands on the way in had the nerve to ask me to wash them again on the way out.
Multinational corporation toilets: 4 out of 10.
User Reviews
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-10 08:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-06-18 16:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you are so desperate for a +2 that you are getting Dervel to hitwhore your posts via text message it is getting serious Pock.
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Get a date sorted for Devon and I will get the time off work.
Fuck it for £1.50 a pint I will pull a sickie.
-Dave
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-17 17:52:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-06-17 12:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-06-17 12:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-17 11:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and for post
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-17 11:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for title
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 11:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
5 minutes to go then I am out of here faster than you can say "dervelisagheycockwipecowfancier"
anyway I thought your bird binned you?
you are not asking me to believe that you found another one did you? that stretches even my credulability.... and I believe in father christmas.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 11:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-06-17 11:32:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stuck up cunts the lot of you.
---
Not this week.
Will 5pm ever get here?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-06-17 11:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stuck up cunts the lot of you.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 11:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:45:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's spilling red diesel at the moment. ""
<smirk>
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-17 11:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heeeeey! I think you made all of this up!
you trickty trickster.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-06-17 11:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that last comment may have made sense were it not for my FUCKING PHONE.
graham bell has a lot answer for
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-06-17 11:11:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
when you say 'track' do you really mean 'pin' and when you say 'way' do you really mean 'arse'?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:53:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cunts the lot of you.
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Please, address us by our full title 'stuck up cunts'... You gonna be up for ubercon dervels house? I'm organising it for this weekend. Dervel doesn't know this yet of course. Stin helped me track down his address so I'm just planning to go down and generally get in his way.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:45:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's spilling red diesel at the moment.
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*pulls silly childish smirk*... *punches self in the face for using stars to convey physical actions*
God I'm childish.
I finish work in 6 minutes. Who wants to place a wager that I recieve a 15 minute phone call in about 4 minutes time?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cunts the lot of you.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's spilling red diesel at the moment.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Spam, I hate your job too... I have an interview on Wednesday so there might even be a chance I could get out of mine.
Dervel, I like the choice of words there, "have to"... the old tractor still refusing to let you ride it?
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:36:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:22:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
will I have to sleep under a tractor?
---
Nope. The only person who has to sleep with my missus is me.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:30:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate my job.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"will I have to sleep under a tractor"
I think Dervel could arrange that, as long as by sleep you mean be laid to rest
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not yet.
Shall have a think. Footie starts mid-August and I don't want any of you lot to see me cry so maybe before then?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:22:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is it MY FAULT that I want to seem a victim?? huh?? huh??
(see what I did there? I am smarter than the average bear)
£1.50 per pint????
damn fucking straight I am there.
will I have to sleep under a tractor?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We decided on a date then? Me and Jenny are gonna book a little time off and come camp somewhere in Devon I reckon and hook up with you for a night and a day or something.
And no, not that kind of date... and no, not that kind of hook up. Anyone else up for getting wasted in Devon then? It's about time Apollo made an appearance he's made it all the way to america but has missed 3 Uber-do's in the UK?
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stories about shtting are priceless.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since when have there been exclusions?
It's not our fault you never show up.
If you want to come down and drink stupidly strong cider for £1.50 a pint with us then you're welcome.
You big gay.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:11:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cider's for chicks, Apollo.
Dervel.... you'll be getting ass-rammed by the monkey (and by monkey, I mean tinactin) in no time.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 09:35:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually that sounds like fun.
Lets do it.
Incidentaly as we discussed with Davros in Derby, Ubercider Devon at some point in the summer is a go'er. (Bit like Jenny). """"
Is that ANOTHER one I am excluded from? Huh? Huh?
I even DRINK CIDER you cunts.
<sobs in corner, masturbating lazily>
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh right. Sorry SuckyGash.
My mistake, you're the boss and all.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-06-17 10:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
j
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-06-17 09:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The battle, Dervel. Not the war.
Also, because I said so. And if you don't quit calling me dirty names, I'll throw you in the dungeon with Tinactin, the Dungeon Gimp. He'll put the monkey to you.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 09:54:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-06-17 09:43:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
"You can't referee a competition in which you are competing you dunce. You should ask Bart if he'll rename you Duncel, you big dunce."
I declare you the winner, Pock. And, as your Empress of Infinity, my opinion is LAW!
Pock 1, Dervel 5.
---
Hold the phone now CookieFlange, if I'm winning 5-1 how is stupid old Pock the champion?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-06-17 09:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You can't referee a competition in which you are competing you dunce. You should ask Bart if he'll rename you Duncel, you big dunce."
I declare you the winner, Pock. And, as your Empress of Infinity, my opinion is LAW!
Pock 1, Dervel 5.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 09:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually that sounds like fun.
Lets do it.
Incidentaly as we discussed with Davros in Derby, Ubercider Devon at some point in the summer is a go'er. (Bit like Jenny).
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-06-17 09:35:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew this would be good.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 09:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wish I'd had lunch at the pub. I do hope you're not daring to insinuate you violated Jenny young man. It would be a terrible thing or us to all meet up in the summer and the first words out of my mouth when Jenny and Laura meet are "Rich said he'd shagged Jenny!" I could run round shouting it over and over like a silly child whilst you aimlessly chase me about, and that music from the benny hill show would play and Laura would be chasing you and Jenny would be chasing Laura and our feet would move really fast. Oh dear, I've lost the plot.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 09:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Friday lunch times down the pub, almost makes it all seem worth while.
By the way, when you said I could fuck your bird you should have clarified that you men't the budgie.
I feel all bad now.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 09:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:59:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:54:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:42:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Come, come Pock you don't mean that.
You love me.
In fact, you want to BE me.
I know, come on, admit it.
I know it's true, your bird told me.
(When I was fucking her up the piss hole)
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You fucked jimminy my defenseless little budgie? ... He's not even a girl you sick fuck! How did you fit your penis into his tiny little japseye??? You god damn animal. """
quite easily, my penis is after all, miniscule.
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Oh, your tiny cock didn't really cause him any pain then? I suppose it's better he's fucking you than an actual human being... You have my blessing, go forth and make little scouserrygar japseye babies.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:59:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops.
ruined streak.
soz.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:54:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:42:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Come, come Pock you don't mean that.
You love me.
In fact, you want to BE me.
I know, come on, admit it.
I know it's true, your bird told me.
(When I was fucking her up the piss hole)
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You fucked jimminy my defenseless little budgie? ... He's not even a girl you sick fuck! How did you fit your penis into his tiny little japseye??? You god damn animal. """
quite easily, my penis is after all, miniscule.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:42:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Come, come Pock you don't mean that.
You love me.
In fact, you want to BE me.
I know, come on, admit it.
I know it's true, your bird told me.
(When I was fucking her up the piss hole)
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You fucked jimminy my defenseless little budgie? ... He's not even a girl you sick fuck! How did you fit your penis into his tiny little japseye??? You god damn animal.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahaha. Very nice indeed. The nerve of those fucking signs I tell you.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Violence + Fecal Matter = +2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come, come Pock you don't mean that.
You love me.
In fact, you want to BE me.
I know, come on, admit it.
I know it's true, your bird told me.
(When I was fucking her up the piss hole)
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate you. Damned scouser.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Listen Apollo, me and Dervel having sex in tescos has nothing to do with anything so remove that mostrosity from the MVA. Besides every little helps.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay i'll admit it.
This was 'alright'.
I may have 'smirked' slightly and perhaps even 'gurned' in the manner of Dervel's mother after she sat on that rake.
I liked boffing tractor boys mother.
Pity she's dead.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit smeared walls = auto +2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's just downright good stuff, there.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 08:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:59:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
So I win again!
Woo hoo! 10 billion - nil in my favour.
She says thats because she can breathe normally as you're far to small to cause any serious obstruction.
She once described it as like eating a tic-tac but without the minty aftertaste.
apollo has been doing that for ages. In the last two days he's called me:
Gay.
Said I have AIDS.
Called me an ipswich town fan.
Called me Welsh.
And called me a suffolk ponce.
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Why do you keep declaring yourself as the winner? You can't referee a competition in which you are competing you dunce. You should ask Bart if he'll rename you Duncel, you big dunce.
Your mums senile, she doesn't know what she's talking about... My dick does have a minty aftertaste.
Oh and you are a suffolk dunce.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So I win again!
Woo hoo! 10 billion - nil in my favour.
She says thats because she can breathe normally as you're far to small to cause any serious obstruction.
She once described it as like eating a tic-tac but without the minty aftertaste.
apollo has been doing that for ages. In the last two days he's called me:
Gay.
Said I have AIDS.
Called me an ipswich town fan.
Called me Welsh.
And called me a suffolk ponce.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks fabit and flibble, I was worried for a minute I'd lost my sense of humour altogether, looks like I slipped into British mode is all. I shall return to the more universal comedy next time...
Also has anyone else noticed apollos screen name on the MVA? What's that about?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:16:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll pass on the message.
Incidentally she has asked me to let me know that she is no longer prepared to felch jizz out of your arse as the last time she did the vapor from your ghey spunk filled belly burnt all the cilia in her throat.
She couldn't play the flute for a week without inducing a coughing fit.
Cost her a fortune in lost earnings from her regulars.
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Dude, you've gone too far, that is as sick as it gets... do you kiss your mother with that mouth??? I know I would. Har Har Har. She never seems to need to breathe when she's playing my flute anyway.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this rocked.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was ace - i'm betting a lot of the Americans won't get the humour.
This is British comedy at it's best.
Cheers
El Fabit O
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll pass on the message.
Incidentally she has asked me to let me know that she is no longer prepared to felch jizz out of your arse as the last time she did the vapor from your ghey spunk filled belly burnt all the cilia in her throat.
She couldn't play the flute for a week without inducing a coughing fit.
Cost her a fortune in lost earnings from her regulars.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Death Jester, I love that episode. I have it on DVD.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:58:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well my mum does smell of black mans cum, so yes it probably does.
She has a great complexion for her age though.
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touche, and by touche I mean fuck off.
Tell your skank mum and her filthy cummy hair that she can stay the hell away from me from now on.
At least until she's had a bath. Then she can blow me while I call her a disgusting crone. She likes that.
http://www.argontech.net/~jnarmore/baglady.jpg = Dervels mum and her house
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-06-17 07:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"... and rest!"
"NO, KEEP GOING!"
"Yes, you're right Rimmer, through the pain barrier!"
"... and eight and nine and rest!"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?!"
"I'm resting! Everything's going grey!"
"THAT'S THE PAIN BARRIER! PUSH THROUGH IT!"
"You're absolutely right, Rimmer! And four, and five..."
"AND REST!"
"Yes, that's it! That little extra, that's what it's all about!"
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well my mum does smell of black mans cum, so yes it probably does.
She has a great complexion for her age though.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:44:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Joe the cleaner is a liar.
I think your shit would smell like jizz.
Because you're a gay.
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Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:43:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Considering you haven't posted anything of consequence since 28-March, here is a +2 in hopes you won't remain rusty.
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Rad- Rusty? Maybe, haven't posted anything of any consequence since 28th March? Rubbish. I have never posted anything of any consequence.
Dervel, Joe is of course wrong. My shit smells like your mum.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Joe the cleaner is a liar.
I think your shit would smell like jizz.
Because you're a gay.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Considering you haven't posted anything of consequence since 28-March, here is a +2 in hopes you won't remain rusty.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-06-17 06:41:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice to write something again... though I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about right here.