Now Hiring (560 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.64 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by vodka7tall <vodka7tall.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-06-17 15:53:51 EDT
It's been so long since I've even been on an interview, I don't know what on earth makes me think I'm going to know how to conduct one.
You see, my boss is an incompetent asshole. Oh, he disguises his incompetence under a premise of self-importance, but the simple fact is he is completely fucking useless. He is nothing but a financial drain on this company, and has very little to offer by way of skill or purpose.
My job is to help him maintain his facade. When he is late for a sales appointment for yet a third time that day, my job is to call the customer and fabricate some story that not only excuses his tardiness, but also gives him the air of being highly important. "Hello, Mr. Dionne? This is Amy from Craig Plumbing & Heating. I'm calling to inform you that Mr. Craig's lunch meeting with the chief building inspector has run over, and he will be late for his 2 pm appointment with you. I hope this doesn't inconvenience you."
If only Mr. Dionne knew that what my boss was really doing on his 3 hour lunch break was getting his hair cut, shopping for some nifty new piece of whatever for his office, or sitting at his desk playing online solitaire.
He's a very busy man.
So busy, in fact, that he spends a maximum of 3 hours per week in this office. The other 37 hours (well 32, really, if you count the fact that he never arrives here less than 30 minutes late in the morning, and leaves about 30 minutes early each day) he spends dilly-dallying, running here and there, chatting on his cell phone, and getting in the way of employees who are actually trying to do their jobs.
You would think that for the 3 lousy weeks of vacation time I'm given every year, he'd be able to stick around the office and answer a phone call or two.
This is not the case. His explanation for why he can't cover the phones is that he is far too busy and important to be stuck here in the office. There are sales meetings to attend (for which he will no doubt be late), there are employees to supervise (who don't actually need supervision). There are things to see and people to do, and none of it can be done within these four walls.
My explanation for why he can't cover the phones is two-fold:
One - he's not capable of doing my job. Don't get me wrong. My job is not by any means difficult. I answer the phone. I take down information. I schedule service calls. I enter data. I play online poker for 3 hours, and post/read Uber for 4.
The reason my job is so simple is because I'm inherently lazy. I have gone to great lengths to make my job is as easy as it can possibly be. Instead of hand-writing the name, address and phone number on each individual work order that comes in, I spent weeks devising a database system that allows me to punch in a client's phone number, and with the click of a button, all of their information is instantly recalled, down to the size of filter their furnace requires. What used to take about 5 minutes, now takes 5 seconds.
The problem is, my boss can't figure it out. Something as simple as entering a phone number and hitting the tab key is beyond him. I mean, it's not rocket science, it's Access, for chrissake. Get a clue.
Two - sheer arrogance. It would be nothing less than mortifying for him if he actually had to answer his own phone. What would the clients think? "He's no big time business man. Hell, he doesn't even have a secretary."
The truth of the matter is that about 75 percent of our customers think I'm his wife <shudders at the thought>, and we run this business out of our basement. I mean, he runs a business where his employees spend a good deal of time wading knee high in human excrement. How professional can we really be?
So because of this, I have been assigned the task of finding a replacement for myself when I go on vacation the last week of June.
Normally, this is no big deal. I place a call to Sara at the personnel service, and she finds someone slightly more intelligent than a bag of rusty hammers to take my place. Sara knows how this place runs, and was actually responsible for getting me this job in the first place. She tells the girls to dress casual (jeans are totally acceptable) and to make sure they bring a book, or magazine, or some form of entertainment, otherwise they might be tempted to stab themselves in the eye with a letter opener due to extreme boredom.
The problem is, Sara is on maternity leave, and I have been left to deal with her replacement, Cheryl. Cheryl seems nice enough, and very professional I might add, but she really just doesn't get it. Instead of just picking a candidate and sending her over, she insisted on giving me the choice of two. "Fine," I tell her. "Just fax their resumes to me, and I'll pick one from there".
I look over the resumes, and both girls appear quite capable of the job at hand. The first candidate has an honors bachelor of arts. Figuring I don't really need someone to paint me a picture, I look at the next candidate. Her education is in business administration, and she is working towards her accounting diploma. Since this is exactly what I do - administrate and account - I figured she'd do just fine.
I give Cheryl a call, and tell her I'll take bachelorette number 2. "Really?" she sounds surprised. "You know, I just think the other girl is so professional, if it were up to me, I would pick the first one. Are you sure you wouldn't like to meet both of them before you decide? I can set up interviews for both of them on Monday."
So now I'm sitting here wondering what in the hell I'm going to ask these girls, and whether I prefer oil or watercolor. I mean, really, what kind of questions do you ask someone whose only job will be answering a phone for 4 lousy days?
"And this part of the phone is called the?"
"Receiver."
"Very good."
"And the red button that says hold is used to?"
"Put people on hold?"
"Excellent! You're hired."
The worst part is, I have all weekend to think about it. And after 2 full days of consideration, I might be very tempted to ask some entirely inappropriate questions, just for the sake of fucking with their heads.
"I see here on your resume it says you're a team player. Does that include tag team?"
"Are you familiar with current laws on sexual harassment in the workplace? No? Excellent."
"Are you willing to go great lengths to satisfy your employer?"
"What is your philosophy on bondage?"
"Do you have any allergies; peanuts, shellfish, semen?"
Uber, this could be bad.
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-17 21:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The last line made me laugh out loud.
It hurt my ribs.
Damn you for paining me.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-06-17 21:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'd love to give you a +2 because I agree with you, and this is pretty well written.
Except, well...you know why.
Have a nice streak ruined!!!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (Lights up cigarette)
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-06-17 20:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are books, booklets or you could google your way to "how to conduct a proper interview". Here is one suggestion: Verbally create a typical medium to high challenge scenario regarding the position the person is applying for. Ask him (or her) how he would go about handling that particular situation. His answer or lack therof should give an indication of whether he might be able to do the job.
Also do thorough background checks including contacting the References which better be listed on his resume. The last thing you need is to hire someone who got fired from his last job for theft -- or worse. It's usually not that hard to weed out bad apples - even before the interview.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-06-17 18:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-06-17 16:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hire the one on the left. Just because. Either that or make them play rock paper scissors for it.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-06-17 16:28:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In front of them both say "I'm going to put your resumes on the ground, spin around in a circle blind folded, and throw this jart up into the air and the person who's resume it lands closest to (or the person who gets nailed with the jart) gets the job. Ready?
Banga
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-06-17 16:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-17 16:19:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad to see your setting the world on fire with your ambitious work ethic. Answering the phones huh? You must make bank.
----
Isn't work ethic a top priority for all uberusers???
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-17 16:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad to see your setting the world on fire with your ambitious work ethic. Answering the phones huh? You must make bank.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-06-17 16:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't hire the black one.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-06-17 16:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My boss sounds so very similar to yours. What the fuck.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/68060
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-06-17 16:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you funny.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-17 15:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds sinister