The first and last post I'm going to write about my job. (2087 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.84 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Thorpe (View user info) at 2005-06-18 11:03:40 EDT
When I say "job", I mean casual employment for ten hours every week, given that I'm studying at the moment. But I like Siren's hotel posts so much that I thought I had better get my job analogy post out of the way, before I know better. If you don't like the average Ubersite n00b post about the "annoying rude customers I have to deal with" then this won't be your thing.
I work at a newsagent, which means I make sure that the fridge, magazine racks and cigarette displays are fully stocked, and serve customers when they come in, and if these criteria are fulfilled I look at porn until it's time to go home. Serving customers usually consists of throwing my conscience out the window and selling them either cigarettes or sometimes hundreds of dollars worth of lotto tickets.
Cigarettes I always find funny, in a terrible sort of way. Because of the negative publicity they got in the last decade or so, most of the "flavours" have been changed from Strong, Medium, Mild etc. to Mild, Super Mild, Ultra Mild, Extra Mild, Special Mild, Ultimate Mild (all without having actually changed the cigarettes) and my very favourite, "Filter", the new name for the strongest ones. I don't know what the situation is in America, but here in Australia the anti-smoking government initiatives consist of deliciously high taxes (mmmmmm... taxes) and the regulation of packaging - 1/3 of the front of a packet of cigarettes must be taken up by a government health warning, 1/2 of the back of the packet, and the statistics regarding the quantities of nicotine and tar in the cigarettes must take up the sides of the packaging. This means my conscience occasionally broke out when I was starting the job and wasn't too quick with all the different milds.
Customer: "Virginia Special Super Fantastic Mild Twenty Twelves, thanks".
Thorpe: (flailing finger around at the display) "Um... would that be the 'Smoking Kills', the 'Your Smoking Harms Others', or the 'Smoking Causes Heart Disease'?"
Customer: (looking ill, repeating timidly) "My Smoking Harms Others".
Thorpe: "Thanks."
I'm not going to write about the Lotto company because I have just tried, and I have too much shit to say about them, some of which I could probably be sued for.
PEOPLE I HATE:
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The Sleazy Guy from the Factory Down the Road
This guy refers to the girl who does the shift before me as "Miss Sex Appeal", despite being probably three times her age.
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That Bitch who Ripped Me Off... Twice.
This bitch came running hurriedly into the shop one day and bought a bottle of water, while telling me "Quickly, my mum's parked outside and she's got Alzheimer's and she's liable to drive off at any second."
I did the best I could to keep from cracking up while I gave her change from a fifty, two twenties and some coins. She turns, turns back (damn she was quick) and says I short changed her, and only gave her one twenty. She even opened her wallet to show me. Not having any experience with this, and not being entirely sure I didn't short change her in my rush, I gave her the twenty. It wasn't till later in the day when we found ourselves twenty short in the till that I realised she had ripped us off. The lesson - count your change out loud all the time.
About a month later, the same chick comes back and buys a drink and chewing gum, in no rush at all. Of course I didn't recognise her, or I would have told her to get fucked, so I served her and she gives me... a fifty. Being in the habit now of making sure I've got the right change, I gave her the twenties in two separate hands. This time she barely even did her half-turn - "Sorry mate, you've short changed me twenty". We lock eyes. She stares at me smugly.
THORPE: "No, sorry, I quite clearly gave you forty."
BITCH: "You only gave me twenty, it's not as if I'm gonna lie."
THORPE: "We can check the till if you'd like, and make sure we're not twenty bucks over."
BITCH: "OK mate, you do that. Can you be quick about it though? My mother's in the car.".......ARGHBITCHFU!!KGI@IHCUN!!T@
THORPE: "You know when I want to earn twenty bucks I work here for two hours, I don't just go and rip off another shop. Get a life. You're not getting another twenty."
My boss comes out, and the bitch immediately pipes up "He didn't count it out loud to me". She knew exactly what the law required in a situation like this, and she was happy to stand there in the full knowledge that we knew that she knew that we knew etc. that she was ripping us off. So I had to give her the twenty, but at least I had the fun of saying to her "You're banned".
I felt like Bart.
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Anybody Who Buys the Courier Mail
It's a load of shit, don't buy it.
*********************************
The Old Russian Dude
This guy takes fifteen minutes to buy a newspaper. He also takes the opportunity to try to convince me to sell him a single cigarette, and tells me the worst of his personal problems, for example, the man is seventy-nine years old, and he tells me:
"I am not living, I am just existing. It's not living when you can't get it up."
and on another occasion:
"Do you know of any woman who will have sex with me?"
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People Who Call Me "Champ"
There's nothing like being patronized by sweaty middle aged men buying two issues of Hustler and seventy dollars worth of Scratchies.
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PEOPLE I LIKE:
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The Smelly Lady
The Smelly Lady comes in every week, and is actually quite nice, except she has probably not bathed this year and stinks up the shop while talking with me about politics. She knows nothing about politics either, and has the most archaic views on almost every issue imaginable. These include:
"There are 200 million Indonesians, and only 80 million are real Indonesians. The rest are Japanese, from when they raped the Indonesian women in the war".
"Organ donation is ridiculous. It doesn't work".
"Robert Mugabe, eh? He's the black fella killing all those white fellas. Maybe they should put him in South Africa and see how he feels".
*********************************
The Two African Ladies
It turns out these two came in a new wave of immigration from Africa, and were here in their first days of Australia going shopping. They could hardly speak a word of English, but were trying their hardest to learn, and did a circuit around the shop, checking what they could afford to buy, but were amazed at the range of stuff they were able to get from the one store. This made me all emotional and teary-eyed.
That feeling was cut short when they reached the Adult Magazines section and spent half an hour flipping through them, pointing and laughing their asses off.
**********************************
So, that's my work analogy post. No more from me.
Here is a cell that was cut from the final version of "Wazza Camwhores".
User Reviews
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-25 11:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
almost peanut butter, and Asterix rocks
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2006-05-17 06:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My brother used to be a dickhead and say that he only wants the 'your somking harms others' and 'smoking when pregnant can harm your baby' ones, so it wouldn't hurt him. I wanted to slap him. He's quit now though, so he's alright.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-24 20:30:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-24 20:03:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a "scratchie"?
-==--=-=-=--=-=
One of those lotto tickets that you scratch as opposed to waiting for some fella on TV to drop numbered balls out of a machine.
What's it called in the states?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-24 20:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a "scratchie"?
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-12 07:30:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We apologise for this temporary interruption in normal ubering to bring you an important public service announcement: The previous reviewer was a douche.
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 20:14:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
go to school
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-09-13 11:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was totally awesome!!!
Submitted by Or_ (user info) at 2005-07-10 23:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never-seen-before frames of Wazza Camwhores!
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-07-03 09:09:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck me.
While in college I worked a corner store. The Best part of the job was telling that morbidly obese cunt that would be in every 20 minutes buying gum with food stamps so she could get actual cash change back to get fucked. Guess the lowest denomination they make is a buck, so a $1 dollar food stamp -.$33 for gum = $.67 or something. Do that enough times and I guess she could go buy a bottle of Mad Dog.
Or something.
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-07-03 09:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
While in college I worked a corner store. The Best part of the day was telling that morbidly obese cunt that would be in every 20 minutes buying gum with food stamps to get actu
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-06-27 08:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic. I envy your work
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-26 20:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That was the post I'd originally done it on, fuckwit. It didn't change anything.
Submitted by cumguzzler (user info) at 2005-06-26 12:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-26 10:31:29 (#)
Ranking: -1
I can't believe you just gave me a retaliatory -1.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/69352#1409282
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What, we're even giving out retaliatory -1s now? That's pretty damn pathetic.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-26 11:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Serial rapist alert.
Retaliatory ratings are great. Don't ever bother looking at another one of that fuckwits posts again. The he won't have anyone to retaliate against.
Fucking Ass-Clown.
Now get me a packet of Benson and Hedges Special Mild Filter Twenty 7's, a packet of Captain Black's filtered Cigars, 2 Meat pies, 4 Hotdogs, 25 x $10 Scratchies and a can of Diet Coke (I'm watching my health.)
You gave me the wrong change....
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-26 10:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by cumguzzler (user info) at 2005-06-26 09:53:22 (#)
Ranking: -1
Ugh.
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http://www.ubersite.com/m/69352#1409194
What, we're even giving out retaliatory -1s now? That's pretty damn pathetic.
Submitted by cumguzzler (user info) at 2005-06-26 09:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ugh.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-20 16:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-20 10:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"OMG TEETH!"
Submitted by capnluckyjack (user info) at 2005-06-19 22:40:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 partly because you're aussie, partly because youre fucking funny
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-19 10:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Customer service jobs in retail are great.... When you're doing it to make ends meet whilst studying.
I voted for all of you by the way.
Send cheques in the mail.
Bearded Warrior
121 BarberGoneByeBye st
Sydney, NSW 2000
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-06-19 09:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-06-19 03:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This weather sucks. I mean, I love a sunburnt country, but not when it's impersonating En-gur-lund.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-06-19 03:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-18 22:45:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-06-18 18:32:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Anybody Who Buys the Courier Mail
It's a load of shit, don't buy it."
And what would you prefer the nice people buy, another Murdoch rag?
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The Courier Mail is Murdoch as well, Danger. It's the definition of a Murdoch rag. At least with the Australian I'm paying Murdoch to tell me some news, instead of brainwash me with garbage.
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Oh, no shit Sherlock, which is why I referred to "ANOTHER" Murdoch rag? Thanks for the heads-up, Donatello, and you buy the Australian because you're a champagne communist. Wearing your little trend-arsed Che T today??
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-19 02:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I voted fer ya.
yer vote shoud be counted on then, I wot.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-18 22:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-06-18 18:32:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Anybody Who Buys the Courier Mail
It's a load of shit, don't buy it."
And what would you prefer the nice people buy, another Murdoch rag?
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The Courier Mail is Murdoch as well, Danger. It's the definition of a Murdoch rag. At least with the Australian I'm paying Murdoch to tell me some news, instead of brainwash me with garbage.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-18 19:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-06-18 17:32:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're allowed to work at the age of 13 in Foreign?
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HAHAH
poor old thorpe!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-06-18 18:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, gut hum Turry!
"Anybody Who Buys the Courier Mail
It's a load of shit, don't buy it."
And what would you prefer the nice people buy, another Murdoch rag?
Know what's funny? I actually know that woman that keeps shafting you 20 bucks - I drive the getaway car. We'll be back.
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-06-18 17:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're allowed to work at the age of 13 in Foreign?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-06-18 17:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:25:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
is that a misspelling of emaciated or emancipated?
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I thought the same thing! It's funny as all hell.
Aussie boys are the cutest.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-06-18 16:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're good.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-06-18 13:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know how they do it where you are, but I also love it when they ask " since when do you not cash in lotto tickets on 3rd shift?"
"As far as I know, we stopped doing it with the rest of the nation, sir."
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-18 13:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spot on with the first two, morontian.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-06-18 13:07:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. You forgot to ask if I wanted soft pack or hard pack. Soft pack.
2. You're out of newspapers, when will you have some more?
3. I wasn't going to drive off without paying for the gas, I just wanted to get out of other people's way so they can get gas while I'm in the store...in the next town.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-18 12:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-18 12:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Williamson's going to get twice the hits of this, too.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-18 12:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/68826
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-18 12:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Camwhores Away!!!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Camwhoring other people without their knowledge can sometimes come back to bite you in the ass is all.
Watch where ye tread...
Submitted by transformer (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:53:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't do it! Word will spread and poor Thorpe will be made redundant by the Brisbane City Council :(
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:46:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Williamson camwhore the fucker!
-=-=--=-=-=
1-0
The voting has ended, the camwhore commences.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Williamson camwhore the fucker!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:38:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
Um, no, you shouldn't?
-==--==--=-==--===-=-=-=-=-=
Ha!
Your vote counts for nothing.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um, no, you shouldn't?
Submitted by transformer (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At any rate, it couldn't possibly be worse than foxtel digital news. They once had some headline that said some shit like "Taiwan/China war imminent". I got excited, all over nothing. What happened to this imminent war?
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uberpoll: Should I Camwhore "Miss Sex Appeal"? I know who this whiny bitch is talking about and I think I have a photo.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:25:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
is that a misspelling of emaciated or emancipated?
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I don't know, it's what Danger called me in the pilot episodes. The word doesn't exist, I was trying to find a definition for it.
And "transformer", the Courier Mail is the worst excuse for a newspaper I've ever seen. It's like a magazine. It's 75% ads, 15% pictures, 5% celebrity bullshit, 4% reports on car-crashes and house-fires, and 1% news.
Submitted by transformer (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't see what is wrong with the Courier Mail. I read it and The Financial Review every day. I think we all know a pervert who likes commenting on 14 year old's asses, and if you don't reciprocate the pervert calls you a faggot. In my case, I had to listen to that shit every day from this guy, then watch as his family came to pick him up and see him hugging his own fourteen year old daughter. Nasty.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:25:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is that a misspelling of emaciated or emancipated?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAhahahahaha
Danger, you're a fucking champ.
Submitted by transformer (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh very clever. Check the user info people, this guy is some sort of transforming, emulating fake.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-18 11:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture is brilliant!