How Cigarettes Can Kill Houseflies (1148 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.92 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Duke Diggler (View user info) at 2005-06-18 19:29:19 EDT
I just killed a housefly in my bathroom in the most bad-ass way ever...I grabbed out at the air and closed my fingers into a tight fist, crushing it's exoskeleton into splinters of chitin suspended in it's own juicy innards. And to top it all off, I was shitting at the time! I bet that poor fly wishes I didn't smoke cigarettes! Let me explain why...
I personally find the concept of "alternate realities" very fascinating...especially when considering that each decision you make (or that anyone else makes), no matter how insignificant it is, can have a drastic impact on a future event and the lives of others.
Anywho, I present to you the following sequence of events in my life to demonstrate this phenomenon:
1.) It was finals week, and I started smoking more heavily than usual to alleviate stress. I developed a cold becuase of this.
2.) By continuing to smoke, I prolonged the coughing and general state of poor health that I was experiencing.
3.) I went on a plane trip, and the re-circulated dirty air int he plane, combined with my poor health, combined with changes in pressure caused me to get a horrible ear infection.
4.) I had to start antibiotics (which I'm still taking) to kill of all those naughty germs.
5.) Antibiotics are notorious for giving you the shits, so I have been abusing my toilet for about a week.
6.) I just took a massive and messy shit, and while I was on the toilet a fly flew by...and I KILLED IT!!
mwahahahahah!
Not to say that I regret killing the fly at all, the whole point is that I bet that fly wishes I didn't smoke in the first place!
See what I mean?
User Reviews
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-07-17 17:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
tits=auto+2?
moron...
eat some auto -2's for that.
(I won't read the posts coz youre a stupid teenie)
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-06-20 23:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
MUHAHAHAAAAAA!!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-20 18:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-06-17 16:44:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice copying & pasting.
Submitted by Ranx05 (user info) at 2005-06-20 14:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
duke sucks
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-06-20 06:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 but I think this has been done before.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/56261
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-06-19 19:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PavlovsDog (user info) at 2005-06-19 17:52:39 (#)
Ranking: -1
I dont know if I should post this, because I dont want to spend 2 hours typing in my arguments, solutions, proofs, and supporting evidence. So I think I'll just start and then leave off where the "everything else" comes in.
Basically, my biggest problem is with the alternate realities. You have the right idea, but you didn't to elaborate as much as you should have. Your solution only represents (1 over infinity+1) of what it could.
Heres where that "everything else" I mentioned earlier comes in. For instance, I could prove my fraction, or try to explain basic universal structure and its effect on your timeline (even though this one needs a picture on it), or just insert a modified and more acurate version of your timeline here. But instead, I have to go research college admissions standards, so that my mom doesn't come down to find yet another cause to yell at me.
You also might want to blame the fly more. Examples might be 'Same time as 3.) Psychic fly advises fly to eliminate you, so fly hires hit flies to contaminate the air coming from the vent right above you.', '3.5) Fly causes ear infection to get worse by tasting your food and rubbing germs from whatever-the-hell-you-have-in-your-backyard all over it.', and '5.5) Fly gives you food poisoning for the same reason as event 3.5'.
--------------------
This wasn't about considering the alternate timelines that were possible, and I didn't elaborate ont he concept because I assumed most readers already know enough to understand, fucktard. Apparently you don't though....you won't get into a good college if you are retarded, child. I hope you did well on your SAT though, I got a 1500...you'll need at least a 1350 to get into the top (like I did)...read my username and guess where I go.
Submitted by PavlovsDog (user info) at 2005-06-19 17:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I dont know if I should post this, because I dont want to spend 2 hours typing in my arguments, solutions, proofs, and supporting evidence. So I think I'll just start and then leave off where the "everything else" comes in.
Basically, my biggest problem is with the alternate realities. You have the right idea, but you didn't to elaborate as much as you should have. Your solution only represents (1 over infinity+1) of what it could.
Heres where that "everything else" I mentioned earlier comes in. For instance, I could prove my fraction, or try to explain basic universal structure and its effect on your timeline (even though this one needs a picture on it), or just insert a modified and more acurate version of your timeline here. But instead, I have to go research college admissions standards, so that my mom doesn't come down to find yet another cause to yell at me.
You also might want to blame the fly more. Examples might be 'Same time as 3.) Psychic fly advises fly to eliminate you, so fly hires hit flies to contaminate the air coming from the vent right above you.', '3.5) Fly causes ear infection to get worse by tasting your food and rubbing germs from whatever-the-hell-you-have-in-your-backyard all over it.', and '5.5) Fly gives you food poisoning for the same reason as event 3.5'.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-06-19 04:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is goofier than shit and i loved it.
Banga
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-06-18 21:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought the answer was lung cancer
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-06-18 20:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
X-Files: Season Three, Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose.
I've got a better fly killin' story. I was laying on the couch, on my back, and I saw a fly crawling on the celing on the other side of the room. So I reached in the couch cusions and pulled out a penny and zinged it at the fly. Hit it dead on. Swear to god.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-06-18 20:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
u r ninja!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-18 20:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love catching flies and then submerging my hand under water. Then I let the fly go and he drowns.
It's funny to flush a bug down the toliet and see it crawl back up again. Fucking bugs.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-18 19:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Question:
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2005-06-18 19:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This makes me reminisce of the movie "Final Destination" and its sequel.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-18 19:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't this how serial killers get started?