Camping is Dangerous... LET'S GO! (779 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 1.5 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2005-06-21 11:18:20 EDT
Camping is a dangerous pasttime! There are so many things out in the woods that become hazardous threats to safety simply because I am now around:
*Tall weeds become snake-filled seas of apprehension...
*Piles of dead, fallen limbs become treacherous projectiles as one by one I smash them against the trunks of trees in an effort to break them in half for firewood - the detached half flying at breakneck speed toward the unsuspecting crowd of fellow campers... (Sorry about the concussion, uncle Joe!)
*Campfires become ticking time bombs as I accidentally drop half a box of live ammunition into the flames, sending people scattering and ducking for cover like in some archival World War II footage...
*Rashes abound as my fellow campers and I discover that the log I've gotten for us to sit on is covered in poison ivy, and the ones we've been throwing on the billowing fire that's been cooking out hot dogs all night are as well...
There was this one time I went camping with friends after a rain. We couldn't get a fire to start with any of the available kindling because it was damp. Then we had the bright idea to use the cardboard boxes our beer came in and some gasoline. (Note: Hiroshima-like blazes are only good if they last more than 3 seconds and are not taking place mere inches from your face.)
Usually if a group of friends and I go camping, it's to escape the constraints of partying in town where we know the cops will eventually be called on us. Belting out overwrought, caricatural versions of Creed songs at the top of our lungs at 3:00 in the morning is usually not a good way to stay in your neighbors' good graces. We have also found that surrounding campsites share a similar disdain for such impromptu performances of the night. And police officers don't appreciate it when a group of campers scatter into the woods and leave them to put out their fire and clean up their mess.
Camping is right up there with gang-bangin' and deep sea wreckage diving on the list of hazardous pasttimes. I remember this one time, while camping, we were all roasting marshmallows over the fire. I guess I thought I'd be clever or something because I decided that instead of using the time-honored, tried-and-true method blowing the marshmallow out with my mouth, in my super geniousity I decided it might be better if I shook the stick violently until the marshmallow came screaming off the stick as a fiery missile of molten, sugary napalm right into my eye.
Everyone got a good laugh out of that. Except me. I just got a red and blistery eye socket.
Here is the first google result for 'marshmallow death':
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-02 01:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
recalc
Submitted by JHoersten2 (user info) at 2005-08-28 17:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
gay
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-06-26 18:07:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shut the fuck up you little pig tailed bitch.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-06-21 22:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am SO glad you're not coming camping. Unless I could just watch from a distance.
But somehow I think we'd end up fighting to the death. And I hate death.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-06-21 20:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shhhh
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2005-06-21 19:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
DUDE
you like, totally forgot sticking acid in your eye and tripping with the cows in a field and poking the glowing campfire with a stick and shit!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-21 16:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS you are a nuisance but I bet I would like you in real life.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-21 15:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it, NOW who are we going to throw in the lake?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-06-21 15:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Method et al: I'm not going to Michicon or anything, so you can all breathe easy.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you be going as ETS or FA?
Don't get me wrong, I'll bang you either way.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to go camping with Nancypants. She's fun, talkative, a real go-getter.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about Nancypants
User id: 19337
Registered on or around: 2005-05-31 17:23:01
# Messages posted: 0
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# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
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Coward.
Submitted by Nancypants (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:49:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you can't make a fire out of a coke can and a bar of chocolate, you're not a real man.
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I usually just rub two puppies together like the Indians did it.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:17:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If I took you camping and you woke up with a sore ass would you tell anybody?
Wanna go camping?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking hippies
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude... I am NEVER camping with you...
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:51:12 (#)
Ranking: 1
OK, I know, I ruined a perfect 2... but here's why:
Camping's great, marshmallow death is great, having a good old drunken singsong is great... but make a story out of it. This was all disjointed... sort of "cool, I like camping too.. but what was the point?"
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The point IS....that camping like this IS all cool and disjointed.....and disorienting, and bizzar.
They sit in my mind as some of the oddest experiences of my life.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hiroshima similes and molten, sugary napalm
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
OK, I know, I ruined a perfect 2... but here's why:
Camping's great, marshmallow death is great, having a good old drunken singsong is great... but make a story out of it. This was all disjointed... sort of "cool, I like camping too.. but what was the point?"
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss the "good old days" when I went camping every other weekend. Idiots jumping fires and turning the soles of their shoes into a mass of chemical ooze, playing with lighter fluid, people
wandering off in differing states of drunkenness only to have to be found 3 hours later because they
got lost on their way to the Tree. Good times, goood times. I can't wait for this weekend.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:49:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you can't make a fire out of a coke can and a bar of chocolate, you're not a real man.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shamone!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for camping.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God bless camping and all it stands for.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm... dead marshmallows