Tom Cruise is a pussy -or- Dennis Hoffman executes textbook pile-drivers (373 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -1.7 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Manic Velocity (View user info) at 2005-06-21 11:58:52 EDT
What's the matter Tommy boy? Got squirted with a little water? How horrible for you. How dare a pee-on civilian get the better of you! I mean, you've got a movie coming out, you're engaged to Katie Holmes, you're famous! How is it possible that someone had the gaul to poke fun at you?!
Seriously, Tommy, I feel for you. I know it's hard having to be in Spielberg's shitty remake of an otherwise great story. What's that? Yeah, that upcoming movie of yours was originally written by a guy named Orsen Wells. No, I'm not kidding. Sorry.
I know it's hard having to tote around that twit, Katie. I saw her on Letterman the other night. Dumb as Georgia clay. Frankly, I think you gave up on a good thing with that Kidman chick. Yeah, yeah, it's rough man. Here's a kleenex. Look, the way I see it, you just have to keep her around until she realizes that being with you isn't going to revive her career. Give it two years. Three, tops.
Well, the good news is that you're not the only one. Every guy will let go a perfectly good woman in his lifetime. Yes, I know, you're not every guy. You're Tom Cruise. But that doesn't mean you're not a man. It happens to all of us. Ok ok, you're not all of us. You're Tom Cruise.
You want me to hold you? Ok, come here. Look, it'll be alright. This whole water squirting thing will blow over in no time. You're Tom Cruise, right? Riiiight? Yeah, who's my Tommy boy? You are! You are! Yes you are!
It was just a funny little prank. Huh? Yeah, I gotta tell ya, it got a bit of a chuckle out of me. But that doesn't mean I don't like you. Do you know how jealous I was that you got to star opposite Dennis Hoffman? Yeah dude! Now THAT guy is an actor! And you got to be in a movie with him! Maybe one day you can become half of what he is, but not if you keep whining about this squirt gun incident.
When Dennis Hoffman took that role as an autistic freak of nature, did he sit around crying about it? Hell no. Dennis Hoffman took that character and blew it clear out of the water! When Dennis Hoffman was attacked by that transvestite bum in the Bronx, did he bitch and moan not unlike what you are doing now? Please. Dennis Hoffman performed a textbook pile-driver on that son of a bitch. When Dennis Hoffman was kidnapped in the Amazon and held for billions of dollars, did he just give up and welcome his death? Fuck that. Dennis Hoffman used his advanced knowledge of bird calls, and summoned a cloud of blood-thirsty vultures to attack and eventually kill his kidnappers. And do you know what else? Dennis Hoffman used the dead bodies of his captors to build a raft and sail back to the United States.
Do I see you, Tom Cruise, doing any of this? No. But that's fine, man. It's really, perfectly ok. You've built a nice fake life for yourself. I mean, you're no Dennis Hoffman, but you've managed to convince people around the world that you are actually worth anything. Do you know how many people try and fail at this every day? And you've made a lifestyle out of it! That's something to be proud of.
Where most people have actually had to work to make a name for themselves... What's that? Work? Oh, it's just something normal people do. Yeah yeah, I know. You're not normal, you're Tom Cruise.
Listen, I gotta go. No really, you've blubbered enough that my entire shirt sleeve is now soaked. You want me to do anything for you before I go? Awwww, of course I can carry you to your bed, Tommy boy. Who's my Tommy boy? Yes you are! Yes you are!
Oh my goodness, look at that! Nanna has brought you a juice box! Wasn't that nice of her? Now, you be sure to thank Nanna. Atta boy. Ok, I gotta go. Sleep tight, little Tommy.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How is it possible that someone had the gaul to poke fun at you?!
So this "someone" has a little French-man doing their dirty work???
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Post sucked...sorry, but the lion story - now that is news. Thats it, I wanna be a lion.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
LIKE OMG I KNOW
AND TOM AND KATIE ARE SOOOO LIKE CUTE TOGETHER AND I AM LIKE SOOO HAPPY FOR THEM
I wish there was like more coverage of this on TV, all I want to do is like watch their lives because Tom is like SUCH a hunk and katie is so pretty.
*pukes*
This is fucking news:
http://us.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/africa/06/21/ethiopia.lions.ap/index.html
Thats right, a mother fucking pride of lions BITCHES.
Submitted by Rope (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Who the fuck is Dennis Hoffman?
Tom Cruise might be a dick but squirting water in his face was just lame.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read that as Dennis Hopper...
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Who cares about DUSTIN's younger brother DENNIS?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're not funny. At all.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Obsess much?
Submitted by transformer (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dennis Hoffman LOL
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's DUSTIN Hoffman.