Pagan Priestess, Jizz Jar and the White Pants of Death: Working in a call center will make you doubt the goodness of God (2799 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.85 on 76 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jeanneee (View user info) at 2005-06-21 13:04:26 EDT
I work in a call center. Yes, I realize this means I suck at life.
There are many downsides to working in a call center. I'm sure you can imagine. However, the "negatives" of telemarketing pale in comparison to the very worst aspect of call center employment: your co-workers.
I have been working at this particular company, let's call it Service Link, for almost a year and a half. In that time, I have seen some prize specimens of human oddity pass through.
Let's start with Angie. She's a 35 year old wife and mother who by all outward appearances is normal, albeit a bit fat and unattractive. She's been here almost 5 years, which makes her a venerable authority in our little world. I always thought the strangest thing about Angie was her predilection for paganism - she refers to herself as a "Pagan Priestess." I never gave Angie much thought, until I happened to run across her Livejournal account, which contained a link a website outlining something called the Eros Project. I foolishly clicked on the link, and discovered pictures of Angie and her 65 year old husband engaging in various sex acts. Now, I can no longer look at Angie or hear the word "Pagan" without choking back vomit.
Next, we have Lindsay. The first day of Lindsay's employment at Service Link, she and a male employee (whom she had met that day) went to a local park over lunch hour and fucked on a picnic table in broad daylight. By the end of that week, Lindsay had fucked and/or blown two other male Service Link employees. My friend Ro and I nicknamed her J.J. (short for Jizz Jar). J.J. would send Ro daily emails describing her previous night's conquests. My personal favorite went something like this: "I went to Harold's last night and picked up two guys. I brought them home with me for a gangbang, but when they found out I was on the rag they both bailed." Lindsay eventually got fired for exchanging sexually explicit emails with the Vice President of a company she called in order to try and sell printers to.
Then there's Kari. Kari is what you would get if you bred Renee Zellweger with an emu. Kari's favorite at-work pastime is calling the guy who sits in the cubicle right next to hers on the phone and having loud conversations about Jesus.
My supervisor, Erica, is a passive-aggressive control freak lesbian who insists on referring to everyone as "Rock Star." She is constantly on the edge of a mental episode, and displays a variety of amusing facial tics and twitches. She is my favorite person here, primarily because she ends up doing most of my work for me.
Matt is a former Marine who starts every morning by walking in the door shouting "What time is it? GAME TIME! HOO-AH!" He has propositioned every female employee at least once. He is the one who fucked Jizz Jar over a picnic table.
The best and most puzzling specimen by far is the one we call, simply, White Pants of Death. She is a polite and professional young African-American woman, who unfortunately is completely deluded about her correct clothing size. The first day she worked here, she came in wearing the tightest, sheerest white pants I have ever seen. They looked like pantyhose. Each and every cellulite dimple was perfectly accentuated. The next day, she wore a lime-green pantsuit that was at least three sizes too small, resulting in what I call the "busted can of buscuits" look (when a roll of flesh squeezes out between two articles of clothing). Today she is wearing the White Pants and a yellow button-down top with at least two inches of skin showing between every button.
Sometimes I feel bad about laughing at their expense. Then I think, Fuck it. They're probably saying the same shit about me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-27 03:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
69 to tha thousand.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-16 01:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When are we gonna fuck?
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-16 00:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Co-workers are to be used as viewing entertainment, much like animals at a zoo would be.
We had a girl like J.J. at my work, as well. The first day she went out to the parking lot with this GNC protien shake freak with arms the size of my thighs, and fucked in his truck. She went on to give out some blow jobs and a few freebie lays before either being axed or quiting a month later.
Submitted by spidernutz (user info) at 2005-06-29 13:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck those hoes, laugh openly in their faces
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:48:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times!
Submitted by Airstream (user info) at 2005-06-22 17:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OMGWTF
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-06-22 16:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock with the awesomeness.
BTW - in case you missed it - I just released chapter 6 today - pushing to get it done for you and Paula before I start my new job next week and don't have time to finish the story: http://www.ubersite.com/m/69089
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-06-22 15:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
woah. freaky ppl.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-22 15:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gaul, Shut the fuck up tantouse. You are arguing with the wrong person here.
Anytime you feel like venting your frustrations or inferiority issues, come to one of my posts and have it out with me. It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel ("Poisson" if you're Chinese)... for me I mean.
Jeanneee, check your E-mail. You too Manic.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-22 14:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
May I remind you, oh dense one, that you were the one who insisted on rating me based on myself http://www.ubersite.com/m/68166#1374359
I'm just returning the favor. You are quite a fucking idiot aren't you?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-22 14:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul, I have tried every way I can think of to get you to lay off, including trying to make nice, but it looks like I'm finally going to have to stoop to your level.
You make all this fuss about being an honest rater and giving each post the rating it really deserves. Yet on this post alone, you have given three different ratings.
You talk big about being an honest reviewer, too. Think my writing sucks? I'm fine with that. Yet, the only things you seem to be able to come up with to criticize me on are my looks and my "friends-with-everyone" attitude.
You're mean, petty, you can't take a joke like a man, and worst of all, you're a hypocrite.
This is the last time I'm going to reply to anything you say. I'm tired of going back and forth with you, and besides, I know how much you like having the last word.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-22 12:54:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You can still be friend with someone and have your own opinion. Just because I give a -2 to someone doesn't mean I want his child dead. You all guys sugar tit each others in hope to be more accepted, it's pathetic. My friends or I are not even that apologetic with between ourselves. This website has turned to shit mostly because of spineless idiots who can't mistake opinions for friends.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-22 12:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul, you must know that this website isn't just about rating posts. You might not like it or agree with it, but Uber is a lot more than that to a lot of users, myself included.
If it's too lame for you, feel free to haunt a different site. We'll miss your witty reviews.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-22 11:42:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Plus this website is about rating posts, nothing more. Subscribe to match.com and the like if you're looking for "communities" with "common interests".
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-22 11:35:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-21 15:50:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:45:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's safe to say we both loathe each other passionately."""
I don't loathe you, much less "passionately". I just don't care. I suggest you do the same. Then you might be able to say what's on your mind without entering the lame contest of cliques that is most of Uber.
---------------
Yes Caul, that's right, bury your head in the sand and ignore that this place is a working community of people with common ideas, likes, dislikes and personalities. If you are so happy with your anti-social behavior go do it by yourself. Don't inflict your attitude on others if they happen to disagree with your concept of this place. It's not our fault you're a sad little man with no one to play with.
==============
Holy fucking irony. I have plenty of friends already. I barely have time for half of them. I don't need Internet strangers to replace my social life. MY anti-social behavior? Yeah right. I *choose* not to play with you all, of course it's not your fault.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-06-22 10:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always thought telemarkters enjoy pissing people off. I know I would.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-06-22 10:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-06-22 10:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like Twin Peaks.
Cool.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-06-22 09:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-06-22 08:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:14:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
That's cool...I work with Cliff Claven...well kindof the opposite as he actually does know everything.
-----------------------------------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....Claven!
Jeanneee - thank GOD you're back. I knew you couldn't leave me!!! ;-)
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-06-22 08:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have one person who emails me reams and reams of stuff he wants for his pages that he then does not use.
it gets very annoying when i get back from being ill/on holiday and there's 10 or more huge emails in my inbox, despite him having KNOWN i wasn't in.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-06-22 08:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classy.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-06-22 07:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I went to Harold's last night and picked up two guys. I brought them home with me for a gangbang, but when they found out I was on the rag they both bailed."
Holy crap.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-06-22 00:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GET BACK TO WORK WILLIAMSON!!!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-22 00:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
69000!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-06-21 22:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I work with Jizz Jar.
You're not really in Madagaskar making documentaries are you?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-21 21:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'll think about it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-06-21 21:22:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not "legally" married...just "common law" in South Carolina.
So let's do it!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-21 20:17:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I was so having a case of the mondays...
Beautiful.. The "can of biscuits" is white in my office... but I do have a Creulla Deville that you seem to not have.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-21 20:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn it Shlongy, at least read my post before you proposition me.
I will be in Atlanta this weekend as well, looking after my brother and sister. I'd love to hang out, but I don't do married men. Sorry.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-06-21 19:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
69000
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-06-21 18:16:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-21 17:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-06-21 17:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-06-21 16:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't read this but I WILL be in Atlanta Thursday through Sunday this week...wanna come visit for some cheap- very cheap- sexual escapades?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-21 16:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:38:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS and Hill: It's not really called Eros Project. I didn't want to use the real website, because it would reveal Angie's identity. You don't want to see it anyway, trust me.
---
Firstly, do not tell me what I do and do not want to see. Are you George Bush?
Secondly, this idiot HAS PUT HERSELF ALL OVER THE INTRAWEB NEKKID.
I don't really think she cares if her identity is revealed. SHE PUT IT UP HERSELF.
Rather, I think she is probably an attention whore like the rest of us, and would like the extra hits on her website. That's probably why she POSTED THEM ON THE INTRAWEB HERSELF.
So, the link would be great. Unless you are a fan of George Bush. Fascist.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-06-21 16:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
was lindsay hot?
i hate w hen fat people wear tight clothing.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-21 15:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice to see you Jeanneee, and I have heard tales of hell in which you work. Never had to experience it myself, but I've had enough friends that have. MY favorite...... a bunch of the most drugged out individuals I have ever seen calling for a policeman's charity funding DARE. That was bright.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-21 15:50:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:45:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's safe to say we both loathe each other passionately."""
I don't loathe you, much less "passionately". I just don't care. I suggest you do the same. Then you might be able to say what's on your mind without entering the lame contest of cliques that is most of Uber.
---------------
Yes Caul, that's right, bury your head in the sand and ignore that this place is a working community of people with common ideas, likes, dislikes and personalities. If you are so happy with your anti-social behavior go do it by yourself. Don't inflict your attitude on others if they happen to disagree with your concept of this place. It's not our fault you're a sad little man with no one to play with.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-06-21 15:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
forensicgirl - http://www.ubersite.com/m/4104
That was something i posted ages and ages ago that made it onto boredatwork back when that meant an extra 500 hits. It's exactly what you're talking about.
This post rocked.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-21 15:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Teehee. Post #69 * 10^3. Teehee.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-06-21 15:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I too know the pain of working in a call center: http://www.ubersite.com/m/69008
Submitted by ShadowFacsimile (user info) at 2005-06-21 15:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<shudder> I've worked in 3 call centers.. I've never recovered.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I worked in hell, I mean a call center, there were 5 trannies (two of them would use the ladies restroom unless a female supervisor was walking the floor), three guys that only had 1 eye (they all wore big black pirate style patches) and one 350lbs 5'2" tall/wide guy that lived in a camper in the parking lot of the call center. We had several old ladies that could barely work their own computers... that wouldn't be too bad but our call center was level 2 TECH SUPPORT for a computer manufacturer that rhymes with Hell. Award winning service and support my ass. At least you can laugh at your fellow slaves, I still throw up a little when I think about my former workplace.
*glurg*... uh-oh, there it is, I need to go brush my teeth now.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
vote for wardy. he promises cherry filled mountain goats when he wins!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's safe to say we both loathe each other passionately."""
I don't loathe you, much less "passionately". I just don't care. I suggest you do the same. Then you might be able to say what's on your mind without entering the lame contest of cliques that is most of Uber.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are no interesting people where I work (except for the man-ho). Its sad. Just one of the reasons I chose the night shift.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Caul I meant it in a good way.
You cause me to laugh more than 99.9% of the people here.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caulaincourt, I appreciate your honesty. I think it's safe to say we both loathe each other passionately.
I don't wish to get into any more flame contests with you. You win, game over.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:57:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cauls always an asshole..."
===
This should be "Cauls always honest..." I really can't understand why complete strangers flatter each others.
PockeyPecker - Rate the post? She doesn't, why should I? http://www.ubersite.com/m/68166#1374359
Besides, let the delphinapterus defend herself if she wants to.
+2 because I have pity for someone who cried over my opinion.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Caul you jizz-faced French Wannabe/Canadian Can't Be:
=======================================================================
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:56:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
That was good but then I read:
=======================================================================
Rate the post, not the poster, ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Nancypants (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:15:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-21 14:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I wasn't being a dick to you. I just answered your retaliating on of my post "
Why can't your grasp of the English language be aligned with your grasp of hobo man-meat?
Word on the street is "Caul's Cheap and nasty and if you ask nicely and don't smell too bad, he will swallow as well."
Nothing personal, but when every homeless guy in the city quotes this line to me verbatim, it makes my skin crawl.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome back Kotter.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:57:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking beautiful!
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cauls always an asshole, thats why we love him.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That was good but then I read:
Fudgepacker: Yes, I peaced out. I had sand in my vagina because Caulaincourt was being a dick to me. I'm over it now. Working here without Uber to entertain me was... well, I'm sure you can imagine."""
I wasn't being a dick to you. I just answered your retaliating on of my post (http://www.ubersite.com/m/68166) because I had -2ed one of your shit posts. Don't blame it on me because you were laughed at. I hate women who play victims. Even more so ugly ones.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA! Call centres are great.
You get obnoxious, self centred, egotistical, know-it-all ass faces everytime..... Then there are the rest of my co-workers.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What time is it? GAME TIME! HOO-AH!"
I'm coming in tommorow and screaming that before my broing ass meeting
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS and Hill: It's not really called Eros Project. I didn't want to use the real website, because it would reveal Angie's identity. You don't want to see it anyway, trust me.
Fudgepacker: Yes, I peaced out. I had sand in my vagina because Caulaincourt was being a dick to me. I'm over it now. Working here without Uber to entertain me was... well, I'm sure you can imagine.
Brendan: Will do.
Submitted by HillBoyJr (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 simply because i know i'm not the only one who googled "the Eros Projec" with a quickness
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:29:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't get it" is my number one most frequently used expression, followed closely by "Yes, they are real."
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You obvioulsy use this as a tactic to throw people off, because you most certainly do get it Jeannee-a-tuk.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff! Great stuff! I've made lists like this about the people I work with. I want to post it on Uber but I wasn't sure how it would go over.
I have a theory that certain archetypes of individuals can be found in each and every place of employement.
For example, your pagan priestess. I too have one that works with me in the lab. She, like yours, is fat, very sexually open and discusses her sexual practices when someone asks her "how are you today?" She is also kind of ugly in the face but will tell you that she is a goddess.
Jiz jar. Yup, have one of those too. She worked in the lab for 2 months. Just long enough to fuck a doctor and destroy his marriage. Last time we heard anything about her, they had run off and she had run his credit card up.
I'm telling you, they need to do a study!
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:28:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't you peace out?
i'm glad to see you changed your mind. it was getting cold and damp here without you.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to work in a call center. You can imagine how well that went.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50701
Tell Matt he's my hero.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, first things first . . . yeah, this was funny. Really funny.
Moving on . . . you've actually done a really good job of capturing these characters here. It took me maybe three minutes to read this whole thing, and by the end I felt like I had a very real mental picture of each of these people (thanks a lot for that, by the way).
So, what I'm trying to say here is that the humerous nature of this post actually covers up some of its inherent quality . . . if that makes any sense.
Submitted by DarthFaded (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"busted can of buscuits" -that comment alone warranted a +2
On a side note, "Office space is real!"
~ Darthfaded, a call center survivor
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:22:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome back, baby!
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
busted can of biscuits. LOL
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Second class? What about Social Security, bus discounts, Medic-Alert
jewelery, Gold Bond powder, pants all the way up to your armpits, and
all those other senior perks? Oh, if you ask me, old folks have it
pretty sweet.
-- Homer Simpson
Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in
"The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I googled [livejournal "Eros Project"] and there are no results.
Link us, please.
Thanks.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's cool...I work with Cliff Claven...well kindof the opposite as he actually does know everything.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what I call the "busted can of buscuits" look (when a roll of flesh squeezes out between two articles of clothing).
_____
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's some funny shit. I constantly think about writing the same post with my co-workers and maybe I will soon. I love the woman that wear their clothes 3 sizes too small and it's never someone the size of Mary Kate or Ashley.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-21 13:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew...
I don't need to hear about old people having sex and fat black women in white pants...
DAMNIT WHY DO I HAVE A CHUBBY???