A drunk asked me to call his mom (662 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.43 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dennis Hoffman (View user info) at 2005-06-23 11:51:33 EDT
It was a warm and sunny Wednesday afternoon. I was off work, and was ready to spend a relaxing evening making ramen and watching a good movie. I parked my car and, as usual, there was some guy sitting on the stoop of my building. He looked to be in his late 30's, white t-shirt, cut-off jeans, nicely trimmed facial hair, with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. Whenever I approach my stoop, I exert an enormous effort to not make eye contact. I don't mind living in the same building as some of these people, but I have no urge whatsoever to engage them in conversation. Unfortunately, I don't have a choice when these people are drinking their dinner.
"Hey dude!"
Uh oh. He's attempting to make contact.
"Yeah?"
"Do you... dude, do you have a phone?"
"Ah, no, sorry." I lie.
"Damnit man! I gotta call somebody to come take me to the credit union and my phone is broke." It's at this point that I see a 12-pack of Bud Light with about 5 cans left inside.
"That sucks, man. Good luck to you." I begin to enter the code to open the front door so I can escape this encounter.
"Hey man, wait. Wait. Can you do me a favor?"
FUCK! Say no. Say no. Say no. Say no. Say no. Say no. Say no.
"Uh, sure."
DAMNIT!
***The guy proceeds to recite a phone number, which I have omitted for obvious reasons***
"Can you give them a call, and tell them Craig needs a ride to the credit union? It's my mom's number."
"Yeah ok, I'll be right back." I said indignantly. I really hate it when my manners overpower my better judgement.
"And I'm not some kind of homeless guy, dude. I mean, I got a business degree in college."
Then why are you living in a low-income apartment complex?
"Alright, I'll call the number."
"Thanks man."
At this point, my curiosity was piqued. I was certain the guy had just rambled off seven numbers off the top of his head. If nothing else, this could turn in to a good prank call. So I head up to my apartment to make the call.
"Hello?", an elderly woman picked up.
"Uh, yeah, Craig needs a ride to the credit union."
"Who the fuck is this?" I had never heard an old lady use the word "fuck" in my entire life. I nearly bust out laughing over the phone.
"I'm just a guy who lives in his building. His phone is broke and he asked me to call this number."
"Oh christ, can I talk to him?"
"Uh, I'm in my apartment right now. He's sitting outside."
"*Long, heavy sigh*..... Is he drunk?"
"A little bit, yeah."
"I'm not picking him up, and you can tell him that."
*CLICK*
For some reason as I was talking to this woman, I had an image of her in my mind, and she strongly resembled Principal Skinner's mom.
I headed back downstairs to tell Craig that his mom wasn't coming. I wanted to tell him some story about how his mom tried to seduce me over the phone, and that I heard muffled screaming in the background. But alas, the guy was drunk and I didn't want to confuse him further.
"Hey Craig?"
"Oh hey dude! Can you do me a favor?"
"Yeah, I called the number and nobody answered. I left a message saying you needed a ride to the credit union."
"She never picked up huh?"
"Nope."
"Damn." He shook his head and looked at me as if this was all somehow my fault. "Ok, dude. Thanks."
"No problem."
Later that night, the old woman called me back. I recognized the number but I didn't answer. She left a message asking me to tell Craig to plug his phone in. She said that he often forgets to charge the battery and he just assumes that it's broken. And this guy went to college and got a business degree?
The world is full of success stories of people who are high school drop-outs. I should have assumed that the opposite is true. That the world is full of really smart people who are too drunk to charge a cell phone.
User Reviews
Submitted by BigDaddyV2.0 (user info) at 2005-06-23 17:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The pathos offsets the hilarity.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DENNIS DO YO U STILL STAY IN YOUCH WITH THAT LITTLE KID FROM KRAMAR VS KRAMAR, THAT WAAS A PRETTY SAD MOVIE YOU MADE THERE.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for stupid drunk people..
WooT WoOT
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the +2 is for ets's Beck quote.
"C'mon motherfucker put your clothes on! C'mon!"
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't you just love living in apartment complexes!
In fairness, I've been on both sides of this fence. I've lived in situations where I have been both the victim of the 'shit-kickin', speed-takin', truck-drivin' neighbors downstairs' and the actual 'shit-kickin', speed-takin', truck-drivin', neighbor downstairs'.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
life or something like it.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-06-23 12:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-06-23 12:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-06-23 11:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, well, the world is also full of really smart cell phones that are to charged to drunk people. So there.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-06-23 11:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A little reminiscent of The top stories on here, but it was quite funny.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-06-23 11:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-23 11:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this