My Past Bitch Slapped Me Yesterday (772 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.54 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by General Shark25 (View user info) at 2005-06-23 13:23:21 EDT
Her name is Sarah and we met when we were 20 and started a whirl wind relationship. I had never been so happy. We did everything together from shopping for groceries to spending holidays with each other families. Hell I was even dumb enough to ask her to marry me and she said yes. We moved in together the next day.
We spent a year like this just being together. I thought I had met my one and only. Then one day I walked into our apartment with my friend Dru and went into the bedroom to find my drugged out brother and Sarah having sex on our bed.
I could not move. I was stuck somewhere between ultimate rage and never ending sadness. Dru came up and saw the site and his words were what alerted them to our presence.
Dru: What the holy hell?!?
They stopped and just kept there in the missionary position for a few moments and then that asshole looked over his shoulder at me and then did the unthinkable.
The fucker smiled at me.
I did not want to fly off the handle. I did not want to be an episode of Jerry Springer. I wanted to be cool like John Wayne and simply say my best Duke impression.
Me: Well partner my horse already dried up that well but go ahead and try.
And then leave the room. But the fucker just smiled like he was proud that I caught them. Like this was his ultimate plan.
I flew into a rage. I grabbed him by the hair and threw him head first into the wall. I then just started giving him full fledge kicks in the gut. Sometimes getting running starts like I was kicking a 50 yard field goal to win the super bowl. And my kicks were all good.
He started bleeding from his mouth and then I stopped. I picked his small 100 pound frame up and he started pleading with me.
Miserable Fuck: Man I am sorry! Listen I doesn't mean anything and it has nothing to do with you.
Me: Are you alright?
MF: Yeah.
Me: Good.
With that I punched in the face and he fell to the floor. I went out to my car and opened the trunk and got out my two iron. Never could hit it well on the course but I wondered if my brothers skull would be different.
I walked back in and Dru just got out of the way. I stepped over my brother and rose the the club over my head and looked at his pathetic little body quivering with fear. This felt good and that feeling scared me.
I dropped the club and picked him up.
Me: Get your shit together and leave and never comeback. If I ever see you again I will kill you. Don't ever come around mom or dad or our sister. You are a cancer on this family and I am removing you as of now.
He got up and grabbed his clothes and ran out. Dru followed to make sure he left. I then turned my attention to the light of my life.
Sarah: Honey don't be mad it was just sex. I love you.
Me: Yeah that helps.
Sarah: This is what happens in relationships. We will always have rough roads to pass.
Me: Shut up! You do not even exist to me anymore. The girl I loved is dead to me. You are nothing but a dirty whore. Get your things together and get out.
She did as she was told and got what few things actually belonged to her and left while crying and whimpering.
Well two years went by and I ran into her at a party. Coincidently the same party I meat my future wife at. After the women who turned out to be my wife gave me her phone number and left the party I ran into Sarah. We talked and drank more than we should have. I took her back to my place and we did the horizontal dance for the rest of the night.
I woke up the next morning to find that Sarah was gone and had left a note saying that this was closure sex and it was good to see me for one last time.
Well fast forward to yesterday my wife and I were leaving the restaurant where we went to lunch at and I ran into Sarah. We started talking. It had been so many years since I had seen her and she look different. Not a party girl but a business women/soccer mom.
Me: So what are you up to?
Sarah: Well I am married now and work as PR rep. I also have a 3 year old son.
My wife, who knew everything about Sarah, and I did the math in our heads and it dawned on me. Sarah as if she was reading our minds.
Sarah: Yeah I am pretty sure he is your kid.
Me: Why didn't you ever call me?
Sarah: I knew what we were like together and I had no problem raising him on my own. My husband now has adopted him. There was never a need to call you. Here is a picture.
I took the picture of her son at the age of two and held up to a picture of my son who will be two in October.
They could have been twins.
Instead they are half brothers.
I have no idea what to do now. Sarah says if I ever want to see him that is no problem. My wife has not looked me in the eyes since and I am left floored to know that I have had a son for the last 31/2 years.
Uber I have no idea what to do. I asked my dad and alls he could say was something a wise man once told him.
User Reviews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-06-24 07:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:38:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
ohhhhhhhhh, you tricked me
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Genius post
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
very good but http://www.ubersite.com/m/68245 tops it
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Incredibly unclever.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-06-23 17:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You walked tall all thewaythrough that post
well done!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:14:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't give dave chapelle anything but a +2
damn you for tricking me sheisty mcsly
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:30:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
that's a good play.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I...I try to be good, I try not to be violent but... Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doh!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you got me...it was good. i liked rizzo's on april fools better
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, ass.
Submitted by Revolutionman (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:28:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn funny shit.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you my boy blue....
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No problem Adam. I kinda put this together in a hurry anyway.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
damn, i got sucked right into this.
shithead
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:39:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:31:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea you fucked up when you said two years ago, then three year old son
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That worded as in I ran into her two years after we broke up not two years after we had sex for the last time. But i cansee what your saying
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yea going back your right, my brain read two years, three yeras old, two years so I was like??
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is better than my "Gotcha" post...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/19336
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Jerry Springer....
JK
Good thing its not true!!
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:31:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea you fucked up when you said two years ago, then three year old son
***************************************************************************************************
That worded as in I ran into her two years after we broke up not two years after we had sex for the last time. But i cansee what your saying.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ohhhhhhhhh, you tricked me
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey- is that Richard Pryor?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:31:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea you fucked up when you said two years ago, then three year old son
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I recently found out I'm a father. 2 year old.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/68245
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ZING!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Goodness me.
Jerry Jerry Jerry!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-23 13:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I figured it would be something like that. Decently executed, though.