Nine things I like. (1855 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: RandomThoughts
Rating: 1.79 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell - sorrelltr.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2005-06-23 14:45:02 EDT
1. My orange fake Oakley sunglasses.
I got these in Bahrain for three dollars and they've lasted for two years. They fit perfectly and look pretty good on me, which is rare when it comes to sunglasses. They even look like real Oakleys, complete with the "O" logo on the lens and rims, and the word Oakley emblazoned across the front. For three dollars they can't be beat.
2. My Jeep.
I absolutely LOVE to drive it - it is so choice. If you have the means, I highly suggest picking one up. And yes, that was a direct quote from Ferris Bueller.
3. My (first ever) vanity plates
This tells me all I need to know about whether or not someone is actually a Boston Red Sox fan or just another retard wearing a hat: ESRUC 04
4. Air conditioning.
I can't stress this enough, I LOVE AIR CONDITIONING. It's one of the top five inventions of all time, without question. Well, at least as far as convenience goes. Our AC here at work is on the fritz right now and I'm sitting here in a long-sleeved button down and tie with sweat pouring off my face. HOT doesn't even do this justice. Miserable is more like it. It's been, like, 93 degrees here with 99% humidity and it's about 90 in the building. I've probably lost three pounds since lunch. Seriously, I've been in saunas that were more comfortable than this.
4. Minor League Baseball games
I went to the Toledo Mudhens/Pawtucket Red Sox game a few weeks ago (and cheered for the Sox, of course) with a few friends and we had a blast. For twelve dollars you can get the best seats in the place and watch some of the guys who will be in the bigs in a few years. You can't beat that, it's not possible. It's also fun sitting behind home plate and heckling people, particularly Carlos Peña for getting sent down to the minors and watching him become angrier and angrier as the game goes on. It's even better, after he strikes out, to say: "Sit down Peña, ya bum! Next stop: Double A." and watch as he grits his teeth with rage, mutters under his breath, and glares at everyone in your section while still holding his bat. Bonus points if the people in your section give you the same glare and you respond by yelling "GO SOX!" at the top of your lungs while your friends giggle hysterically.
5. Family Guy and American Dad
Peter Griffin beating the hell out of Jimmy Fallon: "Who do you think you are Fallon? You think you can just look at the camera and laugh during every sketch? Just because Carol Burnette did it doesn't mean you can too!"
Old lady to the Lincoln Memorial: **spits** "That's for freeing the slaves, you negro-loving son of a bitch!"
Those were from a few weeks ago. Last week. Oh my God. It was so funny that I talked about it with random strangers at the movie theater before seeing Star Wars. The firetruck. Wow. One of the most random and funniest damned things I've ever seen, topped only by Peter saying "This is the worst day ever," then the scene cutting to Hiroshima on that fateful day in 1945.
**Japanese man hears whistle and looks towards the sky** "Oh my God." **monkey falls on him and scratches the shit out of his back**
6. Dane Cook
He bit Nelly in the arm on the Jimmy Kimmel show. Let me say that again: Dane Cook bit Nelly in the arm. Awesome. I would go gay for Dane Cook. He's also directly responsible for my friends and me tormenting the Burger King drive-thru guy after the game and several beers. "WHOPPER!!! WHOPPER NO ONIONS!! LOTS OF PICKLES!!!"
7. My New Razor
The Gillette Mach 3 Power. You know, the one that vibrates. I'm convinced you could shave a cat with this thing and it would never stop purring. Seriously, in my entire life I've never had such a comfortable shave. I know it's ridiculous, but it really works.
Really quick, what is up with the "Heat Index"? I assume the formula for this is: Outside Temp + Humidity Level + Bullshit = what it actually feels like outside. Are you kidding? People actually accept this? Why doesn't this work in real life? You meet a girl at a bar, she asks how much you make a year. "Well, my salary is 20 grand, but I have full medical and dental benefits, two weeks vacation, and a great work environment so it actually feels like I make 60,000 a year. Yea, that's my salary index. Wanna go back to my place?" Not only that, but it works for so many other things.
Guy 1: "Her breasts are only a size B, but if I close my eyes and think of Pamela Anderson, she kind of feels like a D."
Guy 2: "That's a load of bull shit."
Guy 3: "No dude, I've heard of this. It's called the Boob Index."
As you can see, you can apply this to many things. Like this column.
"This column sucks, but it's he rambles on and on and makes a joke that is almost funny, so it feels like it's not completely awful. It's the Tom Sorrell index."
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Things I like.
8. My new apartment.
Ok, technically we haven't moved in yet, but Saturday ... Oh boy, Saturday. We finally get out of the shithole we've been stuck in for a year and a half and I couldn't possibly be happier. Not only that, but I convinced El Wife to let me get DirecTV and NFL Sunday Ticket. If you live near Toledo and like the Bengals, come on down on Sundays. WOO!
9. The fact that the NBA playoffs are about as scripted as the WWE.
Bill Simmons has been talking about this for years, and after watching this series, he's right. Of course, I couldn't be happier. I mean, the Pistons even have fake championship belts that Rasheed Wallace bought for them after they won the title last season. All that's missing is someone hitting someone over the head with a chair in game seven. How great would it be if Tim Duncan starts the first stage of his heel turn tonight? Think about that for a minute. It makes perfect sense, doesn't it? Duncan is boring. He's just not someone you can get behind, and a heel turn would be great for the league. Why not have him grab a chair tonight and hit Greg Popovich and Tony Parker over the head before taking the court in the final minute, then ripping off his uniform to reveal a #21 Lakers jersey? Match up him, Kobe, and Phil Jackson and you have a team that EVERYONE outside of LA would love to hate. It would be fantastic. Al Michaels could even do his best Jim Ross impression.
"What's Duncan going to do with that chair? Oh my God! NO! Tim Duncan! Tim Duncan! He just hit Poppy and Tony Parker over the head with a steel chair! You could hear Parkers skull collapse! Tony Parker is dead and Eva Longoria just passed out! I can't believe Duncan would do this! Son of a bitch! Damn him! Daaaaaamn him!"
Whatever, I have work to do. I'm out.
User Reviews
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2005-06-25 01:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
go sox woo!!
also go bruins
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-23 20:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, WTF - there is no defense.
but I really do feel sick
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-23 20:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
in defense of that terrible joke, I ate too many cherries.
yes, I suck. but I spit too... and tie the stems, so it's all good.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-23 20:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oooooooooooooooh - that's just cold!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:40:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
The ac works in my office~
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck I laughed at the NBA comment...
Holy blue hells did I laugh...
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-06-23 18:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"WHOPPER!!! WHOPPER NO ONIONS!! LOTS OF PICKLES!!!"
WHOO! GO DANE COOK!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-23 17:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom this is awesome.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-06-23 17:30:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was going to copy and past my favorite line but at the end, I realized that I would have to copy and paste the entire post.
Jim Ross shit was pretty good, my friend. Pretty good.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-06-23 17:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't e-mail you at work because my boss reads all incoming mail from outside sources. I don't want her seeing me call you my little spoonmiester and talking all dirty. Jesus. That would be awful.
Seriously though, she can read everything and I get yelled at for BS-ing, so I can't do it.
I'll talk to you after I move and get everything set up.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-06-23 17:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Then e-mail me, cockwagon.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-06-23 17:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm at work, clown. And don't call me "Buckeyes," Spencer.
Also, no, I will not be getting online tonight at home. We're packing and stuff. Maybe after we move.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-06-23 17:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Buckeyes, are you gonna complain about me not talking to you, or are you going to get on AIM and talk to me?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-06-23 17:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe no one has mentioned that I apparently can't fucking count.
1
2
3
4
4
5
6
7
8
9
DAMN! I need to actually proof-read. I can not just write and post.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#4 most def. We have the Isotopes here. Can't beat $10/ticket for FANTASTIC seats! Go 'Topes Woo!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was entertained
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob, by the transitive property, i got some boob! Algebra is awesome!" ~ Steve Smith, American Dad
I also love Air Conditioners.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Brian saying to Stewie (while Stewie's trying to gross him out)
"Kid, you're talking to a guy who wipes his ass with his tongue."
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Tis True, Iddqd, 'tis true.
For the record, I am a Canuck, not a yank. Don't ever get the two confused.
Tom, just so you feel better, I hate Tim Duncan and thus the San Antonio Spurs. It's bad when Steve Urkel can fucking call out your all-star on a guest celebrity web blog on NBA.com. (In case you didn't see the article, Jaleel White compared Ginobli to Balki from Perfect Strangers).
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm really just talking to myself now...
Goddamn it.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
San Antonio's marketing ploy for 2005-2006:
"THIS ... IS ... DUNCAN!"
The possibilities, as they say, are truly endless.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe so, i just like to put shit on yanks about hte whole 'irony' deal, even though its a comment about 60 years out of date.
and i dont want friends, i want opinions. friends dont give you opinions, they give you platitudes. i can get platitudes anywhere.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OH! Or even better: Ginobli and Parker turn on Duncan tonight by hitting him in the face with Rasheed Wallace's championship belt. Duncan refuses to talk to the media for a few weeks and eventually calls a press conference the night before the draft to make a statement:
"I can't believe they turned on me ... It'll be a long time before you see Tim Duncan back on the basketball court."
When Duncan comes back next year, he would have to wear a mask because of the damage his nose sustained, and of course it would be painted black and white.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Iddqd, I'd like to have a beer with you if you really hang out in places that play Tool on the jukebox. Unfortunately we have that little thing called the Pacific in the way.
You'll have to settle for a night out with my brother, who just so happens to be on his way to Oz this August to spend a year there. Probably for the best, he is a better drinking buddy than me anyday.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
... And Dude, what you said was ironic.
The only difference between charm and chode is the fact that you weren't saying it in all honesty.
I just didn't catch on the self-depreciating tone because you're not usually one to try and make friends around here.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oddly enough, I didn't take that to be about me until William pointed it out. But then Iqcqcqcqcqd pointed out that he was (as I originally thought) talking about himself. As always I have no point.
And I've had two cups of coffee today as opposed to my usual seven, so meh.
Also, TimBuck2, all Duncan would have to do to be an effective heel would be act mean, cheap shot people, and grow out his goatee to afro-like proportions. He and Kobe could be like the Oriental Express, with Phil Jakson playing the part of Mister Fuji.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
heres a tip: you might want to take what i say far less seriously than you seem to. i sure as hell dont take myself as seriously as 'people' seem to think, regardless of what i seem to say.
text can be funny like that. have a beer with me sometime, you may see someone different, though hairsphincter may say otherwise, im not sure.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:02:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
william, my comments were about me - they were self deprecating.
--
Well then, in that case it was a bit of a witty thing you said. I thought you were being serious. Since when were you cheerful enough around here to have a sense of humour?
Submitted by paxlaurien (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
reverse da curse 04
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, i almost forgot:
"Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is the DEFINITION of Irony: "
once again proving that americans, by and large, dont seem to get irony. leave it to people who speak english, in future.
Submitted by TimmBuck2 (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Duncan does not have the charisma for a heel turn...Ginobli would be a good candidate for a heel.....god I need a life...but not as bad as you...
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
im so good, i just made up an expletive: fack.
Submitted by Airstream (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good for you.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
william, my comments were about me - they were self deprecating.
to translate: i was making mention of my personal failing that i think im better than everyone, "regardless of actual merit" and using that to emphasise my approval of what tom wrote.
and as if i give a fuck what people think of me.
if i did, id be one of the seeming multitude of AIM circlejerkers on this site, all lining up to suck each others dicks.
fack, you cant even give someone praise without people taking a shot. its lucky i rule so much.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice post Tom. Did you have too much coffee again today? The tone of your writing sounds like it!
Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is the DEFINITION of Irony:
--
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:57:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
great fuckin post. plain and simple.
coming from someone who thinks hes better than everyone else in the entire universe, regardless of actual merit, this is fuckin great.
--
I mean come on... iddqd is calling out Tom for having a big ego? That's like Hitler telling Saddam that he isn't nice. Fucking hilarious guy, do you even know what people think about you?
Anyways... Tom, I'd like to see a follow up to this "9 Things I Don't Like"
Submitted by akrofiild (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
go stones
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
emo comments? is that it?
sigh, this... discussion... is over. youve got nothing.
go and think some more and come back to me with some actual payouts. really, i leave more than enough ammunition on this site for you, and all you can say is 'emo'. dude.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Vulva
(listen up)
No bengals - STEELERS!! Only STEELERS!!
--
Pepsi? Pepsi! Pepsi, no Coke. Cheeseburger! Cheesebuger!
I don't know if that was your intention, but it made me laugh. Also, I'm working on a fictional piece at the moment. I write a little of it each day, but I just can't get the filler done, if that makes any sense.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:40:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The ac works in my office~
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anchors Aweigh jigga-man. Where the fuck you been?
(listen up)
No bengals - STEELERS!! Only STEELERS!!
See you in the battle for the division this year, you pussies!!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:29:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
you have no fucking idea, sphagnum. keep trying to put shit on me, its laughable, it really is.
no, youre more aussie than me, you really are.
hows that ute working out for you?
and the last train outta sydneys almost gone.
---------
I'm not trying to put shit on you. (Refer to comment in Parentheses.)
I don't own a ute, but that was somewhat offensive (cries Emo tears {you can relate}...)
You don't have much of an imagination if that is the best you can come up with...
{More Emo tears.... In sympathy..}
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you have no fucking idea, sphagnum. keep trying to put shit on me, its laughable, it really is.
no, youre more aussie than me, you really are.
hows that ute working out for you?
and the last train outta sydneys almost gone.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Jim Ross impression absolutely sealed the deal. It's like I was watching it live on RAW.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:19:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
nice bail out, well done.
You made the smart choice, my friend.
----
I just realised that you are an Australian.
Sphagnum is Sad....
I didn't know we had "Emo faggot" Australians.
Makes me glad I don't go into the city anymore.
(Most of your work here is good. It's a shame you come across as such a fucking wanker in your reviews.)
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice bail out, well done.
You made the smart choice, my friend.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:17:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
moo moo
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:13:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
you see, sphagnum, youre trash. ive taken out trash like you more than a few times. but let me sink to it just one more time.
everything has been said. everything has been listed. everything has been sung about and cried about. every joke has been told, in one form or another. all there are, are variations in a band.
this is a great post, because he takes a well-worn genre (like all of them) and does something engaging and genuinely funny with it.
if you had anything worthwhile to say, id give you the same praise, but obviously you dont, so i dont.
why dont you make more of a big deal about the fact i have my name on some list on some random webssite. really, it hurts me deep down.
ding. next.
--------
I'm sorry.
I've OBVIOUSLY offended you.
This was not my intention.
HAHA, Play on..
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Al Michaels
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you see, sphagnum, youre trash. ive taken out trash like you more than a few times. but let me sink to it just one more time.
everything has been said. everything has been listed. everything has been sung about and cried about. every joke has been told, in one form or another. all there are, are variations in a band.
this is a great post, because he takes a well-worn genre (like all of them) and does something engaging and genuinely funny with it.
if you had anything worthwhile to say, id give you the same praise, but obviously you dont, so i dont.
why dont you make more of a big deal about the fact i have my name on some list on some random webssite. really, it hurts me deep down.
ding. next.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work Mr sorreLL
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I *LOVE* Dane Cook.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Pistons, beat the faggy and boring Tim "I can't shoot free throws" Duncan
Submitted by Haggard (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know it could get to nintey degrees in Ohio.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:57:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
great fuckin post. plain and simple.
coming from someone who thinks hes better than everyone else in the entire universe, regardless of actual merit, this is fuckin great.
---------
Shallow FAG! People post lists of things they like every other day.
Someone of your "Stature" should realise THAT... Unless you're too busy inspecting your own colon while your head is wedged in your ass.
Sorry, you're obviously one of the Über-elite, insulting you is like insulting GOD.
Fucking Dickhead! Why don't you drop by and read something that isn't posted by one of your obsessions for a change.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-06-23 15:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"All that's missing is someone hitting someone over the head with a chair in game seven."
Now, where's Ron Artest when you need him?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great fuckin post. plain and simple.
coming from someone who thinks hes better than everyone else in the entire universe, regardless of actual merit, this is fuckin great.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sound of Music! WOO!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-23 14:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice!
Related post :- http://www.ubersite.com/m/68169