Things that will make me kill you (an SPT contribution) (1339 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.15 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Professional Peon <prof_peon.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-06-23 19:18:31 EDT
Don't ever touch my hat!
I am a VERY easygoing social person. I put myself out there for the entire world to laugh at. You know that if you've read my previous posts. I apparently have this look about me that says "I know I just met you, but I would love for you to invade my personal space.... Right now!"
Normally this is not a problem for me. I've had guys break the ice by tossing icecubes/coins/straw wrappers into my cleavage like it's an appropriate form of 'hello.' I do not mind. Sometimes I find these things cute, but that is usually only the case if it's something original that hasn't been done before.
During a recent excursion to the local watering hole I was accosted by a "wigger" for lack of a better word. This boy was three shades whiter then a twenty pound bag of ultra bright legal paper and approached me with ever popular reverse head nod followed by a 'Hey boo... anyone eva tell you dat you iz fine!'
"Only when staring at my tits like you are now." I responded as politely as possible.
"How youz doin' ta-night?" He asked blah, blah, blah.....
He lays his head on my shoulder and starts making kissing noises at me. I ask him politely to stop... twice. Then he asked me to buy him a beer. I informed him that he was already plastered, and he explained 'It's cause I just got out of rehab.'
Yeah, I'll buy you a beer now.
When he didn't get the hint that I didn't want him hanging on me I 'politely' palmed his face and shoved him off of the chair. He hobbled back over to his friends as they laughed whole heartedly in his face for being rejected.
He decides to come back a few minutes later and offers to buy my friends and me a round. Being the lady that I am I pointed out that we already had full glasses and my friends company would be infinitely improved if he would just leave. He called me a bitch, and snatched my hat.
The bar came to a screeching halt.
Everyone stops to stare at the man who is about to die. I don't know what it is about me that makes people want to push me. But there are a few things in life I don't tolerate:
11. People who flush the toilet when they know I'm in the fucking shower (this does not apply to children).
10. People who make that smacking noise when they eat.
9. Hairy men in wifebeaters.
8. Wearing socks with sandals.
7. Close talkers
6. Cameltoe.
5. Touching me when not invited (unless you're a hot chick... then it's cool!).
4. Thinking I'm an idiot because I have big boobs.
3. Asking me how big my boobs are (only exception see # 5)
2. Dropping the "C" bomb on me.
1. Removing or touching of my hat.
Don't touch my hat! It is the most infuriating thing in the world to me. Mr. dumbass thinks its cute, and starts dancing around in a circle yelling 'yeee hawwww' and other such nonsense. His friends see the daggers in my eyes and immediately come to Drunky-Mc-Drunk-Fucks rescue and return my beloved hat.
His friends later try to apologize to me for Drunky's behavior to which he responds by getting up in my face and explaining "I don't got nuffin to poligize fo cause she's a fuckin' cunt".
"See now" I begin as I shake my finger at him. "There is no need for that, you invite your stupid ass over to my table, ask me for a beer and a kiss and I decline and I'm a cunt? I have had enough of your shit, you are killing my buzz you asshole!!!"
"FUCK YOU BITCH!" He cries as he points his finger in my face.
"Get your fucking finger out of my face."
"Gladly" he snaps back as he knocks my hat off my head.
The rest is pretty much a blur as all I remember is that somehow the devil made me grab his face and slam it into a stain glass window. (Don't worry it was only a decorative window, I'm not one to fuck with real property). Afterwards he asked me what happened and I informed him that he was sooo drunk he fell into the window, and that he should leave immediately because the owner was on his way over to kick his ass.
Ahhh good times.
Here's a pic of me trying not to laugh doing my least intimidating "You wanna piece of me?" face. The picture is shitty as it is of me, but you gotta admit....
My hat is fuckin' shweet!
User Reviews
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because:
1. you used wigger
2. you showed restraint when I most definitely would not have (and I'm skinny little fucker too)
3. gave him what he deserved
4. write GREAT stories
5. have nice tits
Submitted by aerodynamically.curvaceous (user info) at 2005-10-04 06:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+ 2 Because I have the same hat except less straw-y... and mine is bright pink.
And because this is a funny story. :)
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-06-26 16:07:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-06-24 01:26:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
Tell ya what... here's a nice shiny quarter for you to buy a clue with mkay?
____________________________
Wah wah!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-06-24 10:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Darth
Which part of "The picture is shitty as it is of me" gave you the impression it was gonna be good?
Just out of curiosity.
Submitted by Darth_Adwain (user info) at 2005-06-24 09:25:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I was going to give you a +2, but your ugly picture made me sick. Good story.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-06-24 09:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I'll be back....FROM THE DEAD"
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-06-24 08:43:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I asked my girlfriend who took the picture ( and who was less drunk then me at the time) why the fuck I'm making that face. Apparently I'm quoting a line from a movie.
So, to add a little good ol' fashion fun, the first person who can figure out what I'm saying at the time of the photo with get 5 +2 on the posts of your choice.
Shit, you gotta look at my ugly mug... might as well get something out of it.
The only hint that I will give is that I am in fact quoting Arnold "Aaaaaanold" Schwarzenegger.
And by the way, Someone - I'm not that far north. I'm right outside of Philadelphia.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-06-24 01:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a terible picture but okay mainly because I'm drunk. (it took me 4 minutes to type thus far.) Nice job showing that wigger what was up, I"m surprised there is wiggers that far north. (NH or VT?????)
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-06-24 01:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-06-24 00:48:04 (#)
Ranking: -1
9. Hairy men in wifebeaters.
____________________________________
So you don't like hairy gays with their cocks jammed in the asses of wife-beaters?
-----------------------
Tell ya what... here's a nice shiny quarter for you to buy a clue with mkay?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-06-24 00:48:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
9. Hairy men in wifebeaters.
____________________________________
So you don't like hairy gays with their cocks jammed in the asses of wife-beaters?
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-06-24 00:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dykes, jeez get over yerselves
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-06-23 22:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll remember this...only remove your hat when in the throes of passion....
Submitted by Nancypants (user info) at 2005-06-23 20:43:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-06-23 20:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I will stab you.
With my penis.
You lucky girl.
I <3 liquor.
WOOT!
BOB SAGET!!
PISS!!
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i must say that i agree with zalwake.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah! You're still here!
SWEET
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG LIPSTICK LESBIAN
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if you want to make the next camwhore less shitty, follow this simple recipe:
more tits
less skull-face
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks caes, glad to be back. I didn't realize I had been gone for so long. Nice to see I was missed a little. I'm fighting the urge to pick up a digital camera so I can have shitty camwhores in all of my posts <insert evil grin here>.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Peon! Glad to see you back.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how about you, me, forensic and jeanee just have a good ole fashioned four way.
sound good?
alright.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:28:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Sexy, where the fuck have you been hiding?
----------------
Hidin no where, just been workin my ass off, so I can't get on much anymore. I'm about to go out for me and the honeyz five year anniversary. We are off to see Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
And Caacodaemus - SPT stands for Shit Post Thursday
Submitted by Caacodaemus (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:30:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
but what does all this SPT stuff mean?
yes, yes, I'm a n00b
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:26:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I also have the Rock-Star-Cowboy-Hat! Never underestimate the sexiness of wearing black harness motorcycle boots, jeans, black (or white) baby doll t-shirt, and the hat and some silver jewelry.
-----------------------
How bout just the hat??
Yummy
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Sexy, where the fuck have you been hiding?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, atleast you're not fat.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I also have the Rock-Star-Cowboy-Hat! Never underestimate the sexiness of wearing black harness motorcycle boots, jeans, black (or white) baby doll t-shirt, and the hat and some silver jewelry.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-06-23 19:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Honey Darlin, you really make me laugh. You're just too damn cute!
I mean that in the most heterosexual female sort of way.