Things I learned today (450 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.9 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AndraSidan (View user info) at 2005-06-23 20:12:38 EDT
Things I learned today.
**Male cockatiels masturbate regularly**
The book in Petsmart said not to watch when this is happening, as they are self-conscious about being watched. And humans aren't?
**Urination after having to pee for the last 2/3 of "Return of the King" is VERY satisfying**
Urination is one of the simple joys of life. There just isn't anything like releasing the pent up frustration that is the desire to pee. I am addicted to the return to stasis.
**Those little take home boxes in Chinese restaurants are friggen dangerous**
I was finishing up a meal, scraping the kung-pow chicken into a doggy bag...or was it kung-fu...or maybe kung-hurts like shit in your eye... Whatever is was, it certainly doesn't belong anywhere on my face other than my mouth.
Somehow it got flicked up into the air, resulting in me desperately holding back a stream of profanity that would have been longer than the dick every black man claims to have. Why? Because not only did it go directly into my eye (resulting in a searing pain of epic proportions) it also went straight up my nose. In the shock of the moment I took a perfectly timed snort, lifting kung-shit sauce into the upper reaches of my nasal cavity.
I don't know which hurt worse; coating my eye with a thick orange sauce, inhaling said sauce, or the hit my pride took as I danced around the restaurant grasping at my eye and blowing my nose into the air.
After a few excruciating minutes spent in the bathroom splashing water into my eye and blowing my nose I returned to the table. As I looked around at all the people with amused looks on their faces I began to contemplate the sheer irrationality and arbitrary nature of life. Why are we here? Where are we going? And why, of all the infinite possibilities, did the damn sauce go into two of the three orifices on my body that would welcome it the least?
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-07-24 23:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I thought only dolphins and humans masturbate
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-09 01:50:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try eating a packet of Chinese mustard straight up.
It'll clear your sinuses and probably get you high if you mix with some horseradish.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-25 14:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-24 01:25:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
**Male cockatiels masturbate regularly**
The book in Petsmart said not to watch when this is happening, as they are self-conscious about being watched. And humans aren't?
--=-=-=-=-=-==-
Yeah I've watched that...
I mean SEEN it...
I mean accidentally noticed it.
Oh god.
-----
hahahhaha
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2005-06-25 14:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
laffle
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-24 01:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-23 20:56:30 (#)
Ranking: -1
meh
contrived.
You suck at writing
----------------------
Hahahahahahaha
Brutally honest.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-24 01:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**Male cockatiels masturbate regularly**
The book in Petsmart said not to watch when this is happening, as they are self-conscious about being watched. And humans aren't?
--=-=-=-=-=-==-
Yeah I've watched that...
I mean SEEN it...
I mean accidentally noticed it.
Oh god.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-06-24 01:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Urination is one of the simple joys of life."
+2 just for this statement...
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-06-23 21:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Interesting...?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-23 20:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh
contrived.
You suck at writing
Submitted by Nancypants (user info) at 2005-06-23 20:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-06-23 20:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**Male cockatiels masturbate regularly**
Yes!! They like to rub their feathery genitalia on you until they blow spunk.