So this girl with 38Ds is riding me and all I can think is: "Man... I could go for a hamburger right now" (1234 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.3 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by mush (View user info) at 2005-06-24 13:27:54 EDT
Disclaimer: Now just to cover my ass in case my girlfriend ever reads this: Don't worry honey... this happened before I met you.
Anyway... It's Halloween, 2004. My frat always throws a huge Halloween party: All the brothers get decked out in elaborate outfits; we drop a couple thousand on beer, booze, ice luge, etc.... Great party.
You know what... let me back up... This story gets a lot better with some background.
A week before Halloween, we have a social at my house (like a party, but less organized and usually a lot smaller). My roommate Preston meets this cute girl with gigantic boobs. I mean these things were huge. Anyway, the bitch refuses to leave our room. As I've seen time and again, Preston's secret weapon had struck again: The Black Effect had taken a hold of her and there was no way she was getting out of its grip. This girl wanted some black D up in her, and she was going to get it. "Great," I thought to myself... "Now I'm going to have to wing her stupid friend all night so P can get some." After a few hours of sitting in my room, I end up getting let off the hook. They ended up leaving to go to some other frat... he gets head from her on a couch in some dudes room while the dude is trying to sleep, but she says she's not gonna swallow so he zips up and go to sleep on the couch. Fucked her stupid 3 days later. Good times.
Anyway, one week later is Halloween, and she is there. Preston sees her and heads for the hills. Apparently she was really weird during the whole humping experience and he didn't feel like dealing with it. So now I have this girl who is desperately seeking Preston's D again and won't leave my room. Now remember those huge boobies? Well, it was Halloween, and this chick was wearing an awesome fucking outfit: Nurse's outfit, white thigh highs, and white lace panties that showed almost the whole night because her skirt was so short. The best part of the outfit? The nametag: Dr. Anita Lay. I swear to god, you could hear kittens exploding two blocks away.
Now this chick was horny. Preston and I had a bet to see how many girls we could fuck that semester, and I wasn't about to let that prick win, so I did what I had to: I start going down on her in my room with the door open. God she was classy. About an hour of this goes by and then we do the whole ice luge, funnel, dance thing for a while before we're back at it in my room. Now this girl is really sexy looking. I bang her for like 20 minutes and we head back downstairs.
So far the night is going pretty well. I mean she wasn't exactly very proactive while we were banging... just kinda laid there... but what do I care? Fun times right?
Well after our last dance session we head back upstairs for round two. Katie says she's gonna get on top. "Ok... this should be nice."
You ever think about having sex with a corpse? Me neither. But just picture a corpse riding you. Not a completely dead corpse, but one who only has the ability to sway back and forth. I swear to god this girl must have thought she was the Pinta sailing to India. It was HORRIBLE. About 5 minutes of this, one thought keeps popping into my mind "Man... I could go for a hamburger right now." We had just had hamburger day at the house, and I knew that there were leftovers down in the fridge. So here I am, getting rocked to sleep, when I say "Fuck it." I pick her up off me without saying a word, get out of bed, put on my clothes, turn to her and say "Hey I'm gonna go make some hamburgers... you want anything?" You would have thought I picked up a cinder block and shot it out of a cannon at her face. Her jaw dropped. It only took a few seconds before she became FURIOUS and started yelling at me about how I was just "having the best sex of my li..." -- as I slammed the door on her en route to the kitchen.
So now I'm downstairs at like 430am making (read: reheating) hamburgers telling this story to my buddies when all of the sudden a Beirut (aka Beer Pong in less intellectual circles) game breaks out.
Somehow vodka got mixed in with the beer.... and fast forward an hour to me being thoroughly wasted again. Time for some more humping.
Now I didn't leave things in the best state with the classy broad upstairs so this was gonna take some clever maneuvering. As I walked upstairs I thought of all the ways I could fix it... what could I say? How could I smooth talk her into it again? Should I apologize? Should I offer her a hamburger? What to do?
When I opened the door to the room I saw she was asleep and the answer dawned on me. I immediately knew what to do. I walked over to the bed, woke her up, and proceeded to just start to have relations with her without saying a word. I finished, rolled over, went to sleep, not a word. Woke up a few hours later, got out of bed, turned the TV on as loud as it would go, and left the room to go play SSX Tricky in someone else's room -- not a word.
An hour later I came back into the room and she was gone. Mission accomplished.
One interesting postscript on the whole story... found out a week later she was in high school.
Whoops.
I loved college.
User Reviews
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-06-24 23:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I bet you tell stories better in person than writting them out. This felt rushed.
Submitted by Caacodaemus (user info) at 2005-06-24 23:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
WOw, its amazing. I just realized how much I hate you
Submitted by WellFedEthiopian (user info) at 2005-06-24 22:32:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This post made me want to pop my collar
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-06-24 20:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You write like shit, but the end result was superlative.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-06-24 17:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Do you ever sit and wonder.. do I like big boobs.. or am I a big boob?
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-06-24 15:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this post put me in a bad mood. and i already felt bad, so it's quite the achievement.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-06-24 14:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Congrats on getting laid, I guess?
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-06-24 14:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Not a particularly interesting story, proof that frat boys do deserve the reputation, writing a little sloppy.
I've seen better.
Submitted by Darth_Adwain (user info) at 2005-06-24 14:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
One Question: How many STD's you get on your mouth eating out that god forsaken pussy?
Submitted by mush (user info) at 2005-06-24 14:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who said anything about a minor? She was 18... I'm not a fucking sicko. Jerks.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well told!
and played!
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wow, you are an awful person. hope someone dead horses the shit out you in prison when you finally get shitcanned for fucking a minor.
Submitted by whocares229 (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:56:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
bonus point for the sex with dead corpse ref.
Submitted by Harry_Manback (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fucking Frat Boys
Submitted by Harry_Manback (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FFB
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hilarious...you'd think some one as slutty as that would have more experience.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment, Bitch.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think the story telling is awesome.
college did indeed rule my friend. it ruled like a cinderblock shot out of a cannon at the face of an exploding kitten.
on an unrelated note...my dad saw a family of deer in my backyard the other day. six to be exact. on a soon-to-be related note, a friend of the family recently purchased three AR-15 assault rifles just because he could...
its the deer's fault for being so fucking delicious.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The frat-douche stereotype is no myth, it seems.
I liked the story, but I can't give it a +2 in good conscience.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This didn't deserve a neg rating. Nor a positive one either.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
haha.
16 is legal in most states though.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for some reason, I really like your stuff.
Your stories are good, you just need to tell them a little bit better.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I WENT TO COLLADGE LOLOLZ!!!
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Here comes -2,
here comes -2,
right down -2 lane.