If You Are What You Eat, Then Maybe Processed Asshole Should Be Taken Off The Market (1294 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by spedmonkey <spedmonkey.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-06-29 11:56:18 EDT
The other day I went to the store. It was a magical experience, if only because I haven't seen natural light in a good month. Living inside and playing Xbox non-stop might sound fun, but believe me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Try it. Before you know it you too will be sneaking up behind people and smacking them in the skull with a frying pan. Sounds fun? It is, until you get sued by some 300 lb. behemoth who broke an ankle she fell down the stairs. Seriously, what the fuck. Skate it off, you blubbering pussy.
Anyhow, so I went to the grocery store the other day to buy some necessary items for my house. These mostly amounted to a couple bottles of soda and a few bags of chips, but I'm getting ahead of myself here.
So there I was, squinting around the store in that awful artificial light, when I sensed something. Something I'd not felt since...
Well, now that I've gotten the obligatory geek reference out the way, what I saw sitting innocently on a shelf were Slim Jims. Now, I'll tell you, I used to love those things. The only things I loved more were baby oil and the Red Sox. But I hadn't had one in probably a good five years. Naturally, I grabbed one of the jumbo-sized ones and threw it in the cart.
As I was walking out to my car with ten bags full of useless shit that always seems to randomly appear just as you pay, I got kinda hungry and opened the Slim Jim. It was pretty good still, just the way I remembered it. I finished it and glanced idly at the wrapper. What I saw there caught my eye in a way that only hideous car accidents and goatse can.
In the ingredients list, there was all sorts of random shit I'd never heard of, like "sodium dimonoadamdidit2u" and "quadraflourine tetraglumpee". But there was also fun stuff like "mechanically separated beef heart" and "cream of lizard anus". Long story short, have you ever projectile vomited while going 50 on a 4 lane highway? It ain't fun.
When I got home, I cleaned out the car, then collapsed in a chair and started thinking. I didn't really enjoy it, though, so I went and watched porn instead.
Eventually I remembered what happened and reluctantly turned off the video in mid-thrust. Seriously, what the gay? I had always thought Slim Jims were made with only the highest-quality Grade D meat and chemically depleted uranium dust. But no! Slim Jim betrayed my trust, and had to pay, I decided.
After doing some quick research online, which mostly entailed finishing the porn, I hopped into my car, and, ignoring the lingering puke smell, drove back to the supermarket. I could definitely get some answers there.
I walked into the store and asked for the manager. I was escorted to an office, where I was met by the typical old balding guy. I told him about my plight, and he seemed disinterested. Then he turned his back on me. That did it.
I grabbed the paperweight on his desk and used my trusty Halo 2 skills to sneak up behind him and knock him out. To my astonishment, when his head bounced off the desk, I heard a click. Then his rug moved and a secret hidden door opened. I climbed in with trepidation.
Inside, I found three Asian midgets in clown costumes. They laughed, and then started doing kung-fu and reciting times tables. AT THE SAME TIME! I politely excused myself and climbed back out of the hole, before I got SARS or something.
Well, I thought as I looked around, if there's one passage, there must be others. I looked around his office, but couldn't see anything that looked like a secret button. I did find a button, with a label written in code. It said something like "NOTTUB TERCES EHT SI SIHT". But I suck and decoding stuff, so I couldn't figure it out.
Finally I got sick of looking, so I decided to weasel the information out of one of the workers there. I found the perfect target: some young naïve stockboy.
"Excuse me, could you help me with something?" I asked.
"Yes sir, what do you need?"
Time to be subtle. "I'm trying to find the secret passage in your boss' office." I winced. That was about as subtle as a black guy at a KKK rally.
The stockboy nodded. "OK, here's what you do. Go into his office and push the button on his desk. You know, the one that says "THIS IS THE BUTTON" backwards. It's right there."
I thanked him and went back to the office, where I pushed the button. Then the office blew up and I died. It turned out that was the self-destruct button, not the secret passage button.
The moral of the story? Don't eat Slim Jims. Not only are they made with processed cow pooper, but they'll make you blow yourself up.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-09-17 10:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:04:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
dont bother!
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
haaah
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-27 01:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Eternal_Dragon (user info) at 2005-07-27 00:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-10 02:15:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh...
So slapstick, I love it, and so does my A.D.D.
Submitted by Snypavat (user info) at 2005-07-03 00:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking funny. Reciting times tables.....AT THE SAME TIME!!! Aweseome....
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-01 18:47:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-06-30 17:57:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
here's what now...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/69538#1420218
HAHAHAHA
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-30 16:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HA! I'm giving myself the 1500th review I've gotten on posts. WHAT NOW, FUCKERS!?!?!?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-06-30 16:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no crying emo tears for you
...until i beat ya in the first round
ZING!
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-06-30 03:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doritos are good. Not a bit of real food in 'em.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-06-30 03:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pr0j3ct (user info) at 2005-06-30 03:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice job.
Submitted by crazybutsolazy (user info) at 2005-06-30 03:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-29 15:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the NACHO Slim Jims, they're Shamonilicious!
Submitted by Jeffisland1 (user info) at 2005-06-29 14:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. That was fucking awesome.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-06-29 14:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I rated this BEFORE I read it. The title was that fucking good.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-29 14:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In the ingredients list, there was all sorts of random shit I'd never heard of, like "sodium dimonoadamdidit2u" and "quadraflourine tetraglumpee".
HAHAHAHA
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-29 13:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-29 12:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-06-29 12:00:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
not bad. half donkey, half glall, all money.
-----------
My compliments to the chef.
Submitted by DaBaddestHic (user info) at 2005-06-29 12:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I want to guy buy a Slim Jim and look at the ingredients...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-29 12:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe I should ask Donk for a title.
BUt he'd most loikely give me "Midgets aand Lawn Darts"
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-29 12:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sodium dimonoadamdidit2u
As the Macho Man Randy Savage would say..
OOOOOHHH YEEEEEAAA!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-06-29 12:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at, "Something I'd not felt since..."
But then, I'm a huge geek, so . . . you know. It doesn't mean a whole lot.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-06-29 12:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done, young Skywalker.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2005-06-29 12:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i decided this would be a +2 when i saw the title, because i thought it would be a story about the world is overrun with assholes.
after i started reading, it kind of lost me... right up to the midgets with times tables.
the delivery could be a tad better, but the humor is right up my alley.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-06-29 12:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So you think you're funnier than me? HUH?!?!
I love Slim Jims...asshole.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-06-29 12:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
not bad. half donkey, half glall, all money.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-06-29 11:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks to DonkeyOnTheEdge for the title. A word of explanation: I was having some serious writer's block, so I asked him for a title to write around.