New rules for surviving a horror film (733 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.86 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dennis Hoffman (View user info) at 2005-06-29 13:24:59 EDT
Back in the 90's, Wes Craven gave us the three simple rules for surviving a horror film with film "Scream". And by "film", I mean "turd". But Rose McGowan was hot, so I'll forgive him that.
Anyway, the three rules back then for surviving a horror film were these:
1. Do not have sex
2. Do not drink alcohol or do drugs
3. Never say "I'll be right back"
Since then, many horror films have come and gone. None of them starring Dennis Hoffman, I'm sorry to say. But after viewing many of these films, I've come up with a few new rules to surviving a horror film. The above three still apply, but not as strongly as they did in the 90's or especially the 80's. I will state the rules, and give explanations to each:
1. Do not move into a new house - New houses are swarming with evil. It doesn't matter who you are or where you're moving to, chances are very high that your new home will either be a portal to hell, or a vessel for the ghosts of the family who lived there before. Even if the house has never been lived in, it most certainly was built on top of a graveyard. Dead people hate having living people exist right above them.
2. Do not take that job promotion - This ties in with rule number one. A job promotion means you will probably be moving to a new location. Staying middle-class means you and your family will live.
3. Do not visit London - Just stay the fuck away. London is a cesspool for zombies, and viruses that turn people into zombies. Unless you are a hot redheaded female with an advanced knowledge of martial arts, and a shotgun that never runs out of ammo, you're not getting out of there alive.
4. The old tricks just don't apply anymore - Remember the good ol' days when you could hold up a cross and the vampire would hiss and run away? Sorry, Jack. That shit just don't work no more. When vampires made their way to the beloved Judeo-Christian America, they became immune to things like crosses and holy water. The 21st century vampire is a tortured soul who wants to be loved. The only way to kill him is to get him to confess his sins and find humility. Lame, I know, but that's just the way it is.
5. Do not give crayons and paper to anyone under the age of 12 - If you give your kid a box of crayons and a stack of paper, you've instantly damned him to demonic possession. Demons like to doodle, and they possess children as a way to get their creative works out onto the mortal plane. Sure enough if a kid sits down with crayons and paper, he will instantly start drawing things like big black rings and people hanging from meathooks.
6. Kill the family dog - You know how they say that animals can sense when something bad is about to happen? Well it's true. And dogs in particular just can't seem to shut the fuck up about it. Shoot the dog so you can get some sleep.
7. Do not take a roadtrip or go camping - The world is full of bad things. And those bad things come out when you try to have a good time. Road trips, camping, visiting grandma at the nursing home; these are all invitations for mass murder at the hands of evil. There's a reason I mentioned grandma, she comes up in the next rule...
8. Talk to as many old people as you can - Old people are old. And being old means they know a lot of stuff. Stuff that you young'ins just haven't figured out yet. If there's a mystery that needs to be solved, an old person will be your best bet in putting the peices together. If you see an old person walking down the street, grab them by the shoulders, shake them violently, and ask just what the hell is going on. They'll tell you everything you need to know.
9. Stay away from the hot chick - She's in on it all. Guaran-fucking-teed.
10. Have sex with the hot chick - Sure she's in on it all, but at least you can get some nice poontang out of it.
So there you have it. Ten simple rules for surviving a horror film in the 21st century as told by me, Dennis Hoffman. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have lunch at the pub with my aunt.
User Reviews
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-29 16:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How to survive a horror movie?
Take a black guy/girl....they'll take out all the scare with the screaming at the white bitches on screen.
Now on to the read
Submitted by cleveland_steamer (user info) at 2005-06-29 16:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Demons like to doodle"
haha nice
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-29 15:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
funny
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-06-29 15:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Number one rule: Never wear white.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2005-06-29 14:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dennis Hoffman is in the new "Land of the Dead"
which sucks...
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-06-29 13:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How about...
Don't pick up strange people on the road waving for help.
It's how the Texas Chainsaw Massacre started.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-29 13:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT HORROR, YOU FORGOT TO MENTION MERYL STREEP IN KRAMAR VS KRAMAR WHAT A BITCH SHE WAS!!!11111
DID I TELL YOU I LOVED YO UIN THAT MOVEI MR HOFFMAN????