Frightened Canadians And Traffic Lights (860 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.88 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lechuga (View user info) at 2005-06-29 15:37:35 EDT
As most of you know, I was killed on the Michigan Camping trip. I attribute it mostly to heinous Bestiality, but it could have been a car crash. Anyway, that's not the point of this post.
The real point is that I drove back to Massachusetts from Michigan for a good 6 hours, mostly through Canada, with Munkeypants and Urbane in the car with me. I hadn't slept very well the past few days, because I was woken up my Urbane and ManicMother trying to collapse my tent on me, among other things. Most other days, it was the extreme heat in the tent. So in effect, I was sleepy.
I was on the QEW in Canadia, and at about 3:30AM, bladder contractions ensued, and I was forced to find a gas station or someplace where I could drain the lizard in private, and not on the side of the road. Two miles (or 189 Kilometers) later, I found a gas station that had a porcelain avatar. I pulled in and relief came in waves.
Upon walking outside, I found a Canadian $10, and since the gas station store was still open, I decided to buy a bunch of snacks and drinks and stuff. If I was going to be driving all night long, I figured I might as well indulge myself with the money that the god of Canadia had bestowed on me.
Two bottles of Mountain Dew, a bag of Cheetos and some beef jerky later, I was back in the car. What I didn't know is that the road I took to get to the gas station was a one-way. What this means is that unless I quickly found a way to get back to the QEW without getting a ticket by going up the one-way street, I was going to be lost in the wild, different jungle-world of Canadia.
It turns out I didn't see the connecting road that was on the other side of the gas station, so I drove around in circles for a good 10 minutes, until I finally found my way to the intersection to get back on the QEW.
Apparently the land of Canadia doesn't believe in Traffic Light sensors. You know, where you pull up to a light, and instead of it staying green for 2 minutes on the other side, it senses your car, and changes the light? Yeah, none of those in the wild land of Canadia.
This particular light had been green until I was nearly up to it, when it turned yellow. Not wanting to get a court date in Ontario for running a red light, I stopped. Bad idea. I was to be sitting here for at least 5 hours. I had been waiting for about a minute, when a car pulled up behind me. The paranoid side of me thought it was a cop, the horny side of me hoped it was a hooker, and the childish side of me dreaded it being my old Elementary school principal.
It turns out it was only a BMW with an asshole behind the wheel. Less than half a minute after he was behind me, I hear him beep his horn. Considering I don't know Canadian customs, I figured he was only trying to befriend me, and attempt to attract me as his mate. I don't really fly that way, so I passed it off as nothing. That is, until I heard the horn beep again. I looked in my rear view mirror again, and saw that this asshole was waving his hands at me and mouthing something in Canadian.
I was contemplating letting it go, until I saw the guy start to dial what was undoubtedly one of those yuppie/asshole $900 cell phones. Upon getting beeped at again, I figured that an asskicking was in order. Since Urbane's Volvo is a shitty automatic, I put it in park, undid my seatbelt, and stepped out of the car. Too lazy to pull him out of his car and physically kill him Shlongy style, I went back to third grade and decided to use my words.
The look of shock on the man's face was priceless as I walked to the driver's side window. I knocked loudly on his window and said, loudly, "IN AMERICA, WE TEND TO STOP AT STOPLIGHTS! CUT THE SHIT!"
I then walked back to Urbane's Luxury sedan and got back in. The light had been green for about 10 seconds, and I took my time getting everything situated, and then I got back on the QEW.
Caesar, if you know who this guy is, inform him that I plan to rape his children and steal his cell phone.
User Reviews
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-07-20 06:45:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-07-05 17:00:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking awesome.
"Two miles (or 189 Kilometers) later..."
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-07-01 01:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Niiiiiiiice.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-30 08:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No fuckin' way, Crystal. I'm keeping him.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-29 22:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Justin, Justin has informed me that I must adopt you. And since I am now in possesion of a copy of your birth certificate....
dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuun......
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-06-29 22:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have duly informed Rae that you and I are getting married at Val's house. Isn't it cool that Mass will allow that?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-06-29 21:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You handled it as Shlongy would have...props to you.
Although I also may have taken a three wood to his headlights, depending on the wind direction.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-06-29 21:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He probably saw you were from the states and pissed his pants when you walked up to his door.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-06-29 19:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-06-29 17:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
was the canadian a guido? because i hate guidos.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-06-29 17:03:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Two miles (or 189 Kilometers) later"
You had the +2 there.
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-06-29 16:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
I just found out a couple months back that I'm 1/4 Canadian, eh?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-06-29 16:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-29 16:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-06-29 16:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always thought Canada was slang for North Carolina. I never knew it was real.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-06-29 16:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with thecaes... were you turning right?
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-06-29 16:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why the fuck did i sleep through this!??!!?!?
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-06-29 16:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We have right turn on red too, I was waiting to turn left, actually.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-06-29 16:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Red means go in Canada. Next time you're visiting us be sure to remeber to go through all red lights. Also, stop is french for speed through in Canada. Remeber if you see a stop sign here it really means speed through.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-06-29 16:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha! Well, since we Canadians are connected by a tyrannical but incredibly polite overmind, I will be sure to pass the message on to that guy.
We have those sensor thingees. Apparently just not at that intersection.
You weren't waiting to turn right, were you? Because in this country, we can turn right on reds. And at least we don't have 'advanced stops.'
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-29 16:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanted to point out the part that I had found the most funny but there
are too many.
Fuck that dude. He was a jerk.
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-06-29 15:50:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Canada, FUCK NO!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-29 15:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a booot time to kick some mother fucking canadian ass....other than thecases ofcourse.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-06-29 15:44:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
most people believe the earth is round, when in fact it is shaped like a donut. but not the jelly filled kind, the boston-cream filled kind. which is why everybody hates the world.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-06-29 15:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm mostly impressed that there was a point where you actually had to pee. I was beginning to think you weren't human.
I take it I was asleep during this.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-29 15:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I stopped reading the text after the first paragraph but the comic is way funny.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-06-29 15:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-29 15:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
lucky you weren't kidnapped