Revised Ten Commandments (long) (522 hits)
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Submitted by Mister_Devious (View user info) at 2005-06-29 18:24:22 EDT
Hey, all. God here. Well, perhaps not "the" God but an able white-male representative (those white males have all the freakin' power, don't they?). Since all men are made in God's image, I feel I can stand in for him. If you have a hard time believing it's me, just squint really hard so it's harder to tell.
Anyway, there's been a lot of BS thrown around down there on earth lately about courthouses and the Ten Commandments that I gave to (sorry "unto") Moses oh, a while ago. Hey, somebody had to lay down the law: I turn my back on you guys for one eon and the next thing you know some UFO cult in Egypt has slaves building pyramids for them. I mean, come on, PYRAMIDS!?!?!?!? Yeah, lots of sane behavior floating around the Nile Valley in those days. At least Stonehenge makes *some* sense.
So I herded a whole crowd of slaves outta there, scared the hell out of Yul Brenner, and told Moses to make ready with the rocks so I could jot down a few instructions. Unfortunately, the Almighty's "Top 10 List" has been causing a shitload of trouble ever since. I guess I should have taken a peek into the future to see what the outcome of my bitch-slap would be, but hey, just because I'm omnipotent/omniscient doesn't mean that I don't get lazy once in a while.
Rather than try the burning-bush thing again (or appearing in a waffle at Denny's or a dripping faucet in an El Paso truck stop...good god, what ARE you people smoking?), I decided to re-post the big 10 on the web, with some updates. Hey, nobody knows where the original 10 are (I'm betting they were broken up and used to stone heretics), and I know that once something is posted on the web, it's out there forever. Without further ado, a footnote to the Book of Exodus, aka "The Ten Commandments II":
I: "I am the LORD thy God...thou shalt have no other gods before me." This is plain English, people! It doesn't say "I am the ONLY God, and anyone who believes otherwise is a hellbound barbarian asshole--shoot them!" I was in a bad mood when I wrote it--I was at a kegger in Valhalla the night before and while I was passed out the whole Norse pantheon drew all over me with magic markers. How would you feel waking up hung over with "My name is YHVH, and I want to buy a vowel!" on your forehead and "I am Thor's bitch" on your ass? Eventually I got over it, but the damage was done.
II: "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image...Thou shalt not adore them, bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God." Yeah, if I catch you building a god out of Legos I'm going to righteously smite your ass so badly you'll never skate it off. If you have the talent to make anything "graven," more power to you (remember, carve *away* from yourself). I promise I won't be jealous if you worship it! I'm the fucking Lord God Almighty, for crying out loud! If I can be upset by something this minimal, I have no business creating the universe.
III: "Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain." I was just trying to save myself from constant distraction. Every time someone yells "Goddamnit!" or "Goddamn you!" I have to check the situation out and see if damnation is in fact called for and then fill out the paperwork. You'd think those angels would help me out with that, but they're too busy having ghey sex. Maybe I can outsource some of it to Purgatory... I mean let's face it, there are situations where the only appropriate response is to scream out "Holy Fucking Goddamn Sonofabitch Shit Fuck!" For instance, when you get your peener in a rat trap. Tell you what: I'll compromise. Use my son's name in vain all you want. I'm especially fond of "Jesus H. Tap-Dancin' Christ!" With the holes in his feet, he can't dance for shit.
IV: "Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy." Christ-be-damned editors! This is a Cliff's Notes version of "Take some time off once in a while to appreciate whatever you find sacred." The only Sabbath day I'm interested in is when Black Sabbath comes back to town. Ozzy rules!
V. "Honour thy father and thy mother." Hey, when I wrote this, parenting was a whole 'nother ballgame. High infant mortality rates, no Ritalin, and if the kid lips off, you smack him in the head. Number Five was supposed to make the wee ones calm the fuck down and not get pissed at their parents for giving them what they deserve. These days it's even worse. Face it: a lot of parents are abusive, unqualified, ignorant assholes who shouldn't be trusted with goldfish, let alone their own offspring. Mommy can't take care of you 'cause she's out trying to score some K? Daddy can't take care of you 'cause he's in prison again? And you're supposed to HONOR them? Fuck that. And these days with clones and gay marriages, not everyone HAS a father & mother; then what are you supposed to do? Incidentally: gay marriage = okay by me. Everyone should have the same right to be trapped in a dysfunctional relationship.
VI. "Thou shalt not kill." The only reason you should kill someone is if they're trying to kill you. And if everyone *stopped* trying to kill each other, then no one would GET killed. Get it? I'll help you with another one: 1 + 1 = 2. If you're ever asked to kill in the name of a belief, a warped sense of "patriotism," a resource, or (worst of all) in MY name, you are killing for the wrong reason! Sheesh. Four words, none longer than five letters, and you still can't get it straight. Animals are okay to kill (they're made outta food, aren't they?), but it should only be done barehanded, man vs. cow (or pig, fish, deer, etc.). If you can't manage to survive that way, then guess what? You don't DESERVE to survive, ya whiner. Defend yourselves, get lethal only if necessary, but beside that, knock it off.
VII. "Thou shalt not commit adultery." One word: MILF.
VIII. "Thou shalt not steal." Fucking editors again. The longer version of this one explained how everyone has an equal right to all the world's resources, how no one should use more or less than they require, how you shouldn't take something that's being used by someone else (wait your damn turn), etc. The universe is a closed system, people (matter & energy freely switching back & forth), so whatever you steal isn't yours, it didn't belong to the guy you stole it from, it won't belong to whoever gets it next, and even if you destroy it, you haven't destroyed anything. Get some infinite perspective already.
IX. "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour." I'm still not certain why I worded this one in this way...thousands of people wandering in the desert without homes and I'm yammering on about their neighbors (see #X). "Fellow lost pedestrians" would have been better. Long before I said this, I said "Be fruitful and multiply," and the act of reproduction is usually preceded by quite a lot of bullshitting. Without lies, the human race would crash and burn--deception is a gift, but use it wisely. After a few millenia I've come to realize that the Pagans/Wiccans have it right: if you tell a lie to hurt someone, it's gonna kick you in the ass threefold. If you lie to fuck someone, well, that's just business.
X. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's." Most of my rant under VIII covers this, but I realize now that some neighbors have really hot wives, maidservants, and/or asses. Coveting them is hard-wired into your brains (I oughta know, I'm the one that beta-tested you). In the modern tongue, this comes across as "If you see someone with nicer stuff than you, tough shit for you; they deserve it, and you're santorum." Desire and drive for better things is at the core of your existence--if you don't covet, you might as well head back into the ocean and become one with the jellyfish.
HAVING SAID ALL THAT, here are the amended Ten Commandments. And for the sake of Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo-stick (which *really* hurts those feet), remember that your beliefs are YOURS, not anyone else's. Fuck "tolerance"; you shaved monkeys need to RESPECT the beliefs of others...they're just as valid and cherished as yours. Quit mistaking "true faith" for "rational fact," get your heads out of your asses, and keep your religious whatnot out of the courthouses. Dicks.
I. Figure out what is sacred to you, worship it in any fashion you please, and never try to force others to believe as you do.
II. Idols are great. Except for "American Idol." That program blows ass.
III. Curse all you want, but don't expect divine intervention on every occasion.
IV. Call in sick. Ozzy rules!
V. Give as much love as you get, but if your parents are assholes, tell the cops they molested you.
VI. Give peace a chance, but kill to survive. Use ninja skills if you got 'em.
VII. If you're in a relationship where you can openly fuck around, go for it. If you're not, and you want to, you need a new relationship, idiot.
VIII. "You know, you come from nothing. You're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!"
IX. Lie for sex, but otherwise you're only digging your own grave, man.
X. See it, want it, work hard to get it. Life without goals is like Cap'n Crunch without the Crunchberries.
That's all for now...I'm gonna go play "Halo 2" for a few centuries.
God
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-26 21:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's been done before, and better. This was terrible, and I hate you.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-07-26 21:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe, this made me giggle
fuck the rest of you nay-sayers
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-30 08:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck the naysayers this was good
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-06-30 02:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My name is YHVH, and I want to buy a vowel!"
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-30 01:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-06-29 18:44:57 (#)
Ranking: -1
I. Figure out what is sacred to you, worship it in any fashion you please, and never try to force others to believe as you do.
...but don't ever hesitate to desecrate a Jewish religious text.
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pwned
Submitted by Axtumanu (user info) at 2005-06-29 20:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My name is YHVH, and I want to buy a vowel!"
Priceless
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-06-29 19:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ummmm..... ???
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-06-29 18:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I. Figure out what is sacred to you, worship it in any fashion you please, and never try to force others to believe as you do.
...but don't ever hesitate to desecrate a Jewish religious text.
Submitted by Artanis (user info) at 2005-06-29 18:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not that funny, but still a good representation.
Of God, I think...
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-06-29 18:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-06-29 18:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
four thousand cream pies outta do it.
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2005-06-29 18:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Been done much better. About as unfunny as poop on a stick...nah. Its less funny than poop on a stick.