Captain Loquacious and the "Deliverance" Brigade (877 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.94 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by VeniVidiViciousriffs<Viciousriffs.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-06-29 21:46:55 EDT
As the eight of us walked into the Golden Nugget, we couldn't help but notice the disconcerting ambiance of the restaurant. All eight of us- me, Justin, Matt, Mike, Kris, Val, Paula, and Rachael- were absolutely horrified by the mass serial killer vibe in the air.
Imagine with me, if you will, an all wooden building with archaic playing cards stuck to random places in the ceiling, a myriad of random and unrecognizable animal heads, some of the scariest people I have ever witnessed, and very dim lighting. These were just the beginning of the oddities this establishment contained.
We were seated after about 20 minutes and left to ponder our menu choices. Eventually, when our waiter appeared, we ordered our drinks- but not without a scolding for taking so long to decide. Now, normally, when I think of servers getting impatient, it is a result of stupidity of indecision on the part of their guests; our server, however, was nothing short of impatient and rude. If we weren't spitting out what we wanted the moment that he glared at us, he was noticeably pissed off.
He was quite an interesting guy, too. He had a big, bushy moustache, cropped greying hair, and one of the most obnoxious accents I have ever heard. He sounded like a southerner, despite his Michigan residence. Between the time he took our order and the time he brought our food, he quickly adjusted from hostility and intolerance to doting and more than willing to help. He even brought us some ashtrays and asked Val to remove them from his apron, taking the opportunity to verify that everything inside was safe and wouldn't bite, or something to that effect. Lucky for those of us who simply couldn't stomach it, I did everything in my power to change that behavior, and it seemed to work out well.
To add to the irritation/confusion was a telephone. We were seated at a table right next to the main bar, which was closed at the time. Inside the top shelf area was a phone that rang for about 15 minutes before one of the group commented on how long it had been going. I asked our server if he could do something about it, and he responded dismissively, something about it being locked behind the metal grate. I looked and, indeed, there was a metal grate barring access to the phone and alcohol. After some more time and irritation, Justin and I got up to see if we could staunch the incessant ringing. We left it alone, just to avoid causing more of a scene than we already had. We are quite the obnoxious bunch, after all.
Finally, a large group (maybe 20) was seated near us. After a few minutes, a member of their party stood up, hung the phone up, and returned to his seat. So much for not being able to get behind that grate, huh, asshole? We applauded, very loudly, the man who had the stones to stand up to that phone. Or the energy, rather, that place is hotter than shit this time of year...
Around this time, we saw King Mullet. I am not kidding when I say that this guy had the biggest mullet I have ever seen in my entire life. It was over halfway down his back! Huge platinum blonde hair, big round-framed glasses, and the mullet that would shame Richard Marx. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw this guy, and my laughter, which was labeled both infectious and contagious over the weekend, spread throughout the table.
I hadn't even finished laughing at the mulleted wonder when the server for the large party walked by. Matt and I just happened to be watching her, and as she attempted to step up to the higher level of flooring, she tripped, busted her ass, and smacked her tray into her own face. When I proclaim that I have never laughed so hard in my entire life, the statement is genuine, and these guys can all back up my hysteria.
I had been suffering from laryngitis throught the weekend, and Sunday night (when this dinner took place), it reached its peak. While I have a booming, thunderous laugh most of the time, it dropped a good octave and a half as a result of my irritated larynx. Somehow, some way, the entire table was laughing- at me laughing. Not just laughing, but crying and rushing blood to my head- and Mat was just as bad as I was. Only Matt had any idea what had just happened, and maybe Justin, but I don't think he saw the poor girl bust her ass, so he may not have known the whole story then. Suffice it to say that a 5 minute laughing session definitely did take place, in the middle of a restaurant full of people who were, by this time, afraid of us.
There were more jokes made about moustache rides during this meal than I have ever endured in the rest of my life combined. Every time the waiter would appear, or disappear, or slink by, one of these crazy fuckers was quoting Super Troopers and laughing their ass off. I would say that it got old, but this guy had the 'stache of vengeance. I think it knew Judo or something, because it was terrifying.
As I mentioned before, the time finally came when I had to let this server know his place in the world. Maybe Valerie, too. As the dining experience progressed, he gathered up more and more sarcasm and attempted wit, and was starting to get pretty aggressive with all of us. He seemed to have mellowed out a bit on the rushing, but he didn't miss a beat on the shit-stirring. After our plates were on the table, I looked mine over and noticed something terribly wrong.
My baked potato had come with NOTHING. No butter, no sour cream, no chives, no cheese, no bacon- not a single damned thing. So I waved him over to our table when I saw him. And I embarassed Val like she has never been embarrassed before.
I remarked, "Hey, I know that you've been quite enthralled by my transgendered partner over there (pointing at Val), but I was wondering- did she- he- that- put you in such a rapturous trance that you aren't even able to remember to bring me my side items with my potato, or do they simply just not come with it?" He stumbled on his words, mumbled something about being apologetic and his inability to believe that he forgot it, and trampled off in confusion. After that little episode, he made sure to keep a wide berth around our table.
Everyone was in hysterics at this point, except Val herself, who- by some stroke of dumb luck- didn't even hear what I said to the guy. After calming ourselves down a bit, I repeated to her what I told the waiter. I couldn't really tell if she was excited, humiliated or slightly amused. Hell, maybe it was a combination of the three.
I decided to get up to go the salad bar and get some rolls for the table. While there, I found a packet of Newman's Own Caesar dressing. Having just seen Caesar a few hours beforehand, I felt compelled to confiscate from the icy clutches of the salad bar and bring it to our table. I threw up my pseudo-metal sign (2 middle fingers down, pinky and index up, thumb wrapped around ends of ring and middle) on my right hand and held up the dressing packet in the left. "Hail Caesar!", I proclaimed, and looked around at the other party members. They all stared at me with contempt in their eyes, but I was not to be had so easily. I declared that it should be posted for shit post Thursday, to which they all groaned and moved along. Although I will not be SPT'ing this picture, I had to get it out. Caes, you definitely rock, man.
As we were closing up our meal and distributing the checks, Justin, Paula and Val began a discussion on anal sex. Because Justin is a medical student, Val and Paula asked him if there was a medical reason that it is so painful for some people, while others enjoy it. He got through a few minutes of discussion about muscle types and nerve endings before Mike began interrupting him with sarcasm and prankishness. They went back and forth for a while about whether or not this topic was worth discussing, and Justin finally got irritated with the whole thing and gave it up. It was quite the interesting conversation, though.
Rachael was picked on about her accent repeatedly. Wisconson does that to people, apparently, but she was good-natured about it, and quite the treat when she retorted. Val brought up lesbianism, and was immediately bombarded with questions about why she was so fascinated with the vagina. I immediately remarked that her fascination with other women was based upon a deep insecurity and feeling of inadequacy toward her own vagina. While this was quite harsh, it did earn me the trophy of "Best Burn EVAR!!!"
Finally, we exited the restaurant and Justin showed me an interesting trick: flicking pennies. He, apparently, had several hours perfecting a penny pinching/throwing technique, and showed me what it was all about. It may not sound too special, but once he told me that he can throw them about 100 mph and he is deadly accurate, then violent images began pouring into my head.
This ended up being one of the most memorable meals I ever had. So, to all of you in attendance, thanks. To those of you who missed out? You didn't have to leave so early....
Catch you all on the flipside. New Hampshire? It just might happen.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so well written.
It also helps that it's fucking hilarious.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-07-05 03:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-01 11:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I could not. The loudness of the mullet had me paralyzed.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-30 23:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how did i almost miss this?
you gotta holla ay me next time!
SPEAK UP SONNY BOY!
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-06-30 19:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU SHOULD HAVE A SIGN WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES THAT SAYS "WARNING: TOO MUCH COOLNESS IS IN YOUR PRESENCE"
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-06-30 19:28:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET ONE DAY AND I WAS LIKE, "MAN, THAT JUSTIN! HE IS SOOOO COOL!"
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-06-30 19:27:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I CAN'T HANDLE ALL OF YOUR COOLNESS!
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-06-30 19:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I ASPIRE TO BE YOUR KIND OF COOL!
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-06-30 19:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
COOLER THAN COOL!
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-06-30 19:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU ARE THE COOLEST!!!
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-06-30 13:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-06-29 23:47:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Crystle, I think you and me need to mee up, and see who's talent is better. I'll finger, you tongue.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus, I just now saw this. That's AWESOME.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-06-30 13:36:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But of course. You were a riot, man.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:53:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I need to party with you one more time, just to soak in the experience
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-06-30 09:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit! I forgot about the semi-colon... I tried calling Val a few times to see if I had left anything out, but couldn't reach her. DAMMIT! I thought I had it all, too...
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-06-30 09:22:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fear the mullet.
Submitted by tat2dcoyote (user info) at 2005-06-30 01:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Around this time, we saw King Mullet.
---
according to mulletsgalore.com, we saw a #24...
24. grizzledmullet:
Union worker.
Pissed off.
Nice mullet.
Very nice mullet.
Looks as if some real time, effort, and nurturing went in the extrapolation of this mullet.
Fuck wage slavery.
grizzledmullet was sent in by a lawyer from Seattle.
Mulletude: 8
Aggressiveness: 5
Hobbies:maintaining his mane.
Sightings: The Midwest, Arena Rock Shows.
Favorite Band: Kenny Rogers.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-06-30 00:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
by the way, you guys should IM me on AIM. DJMattB241
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-06-30 00:40:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lechuga (Justin): (after being interrupted every 30 seconds or so) So the thing is, the colon...
Me: Wait wait (wipes tears from eyes), is that above or below the semi colon?
(table resumes wild laughter, Lechuga packs up his anus diagram and goes home)
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-06-30 00:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2 rating. 11 reviews.
2/11, my birthday! I'm so special....
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-06-30 00:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"While there, I found a packet of Newman's Own Caesar dressing. Having just seen Caesar a few hours beforehand, I felt compelled to confiscate from the icy clutches of the salad bar and bring it to our table."
It's a terrible secret that all Caesar dressing comes from various secretions of my body. On the weekends I am bound to a horrifying milking station and the extracted "le essence de Caesar" is injected into salads everywhere. I'm told it tastes polite and tangy.
Great post dude, wish I was there.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-06-30 00:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
jpg, you manage to render me speechless about every time.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-30 00:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My penny talent is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than your penny talent.
I can stack 30 on my elbow, flip down, and catch, like, 7 of 'em.
It's fucking AMAZING I tells ya.
Yes, I'm fucking kidding... Jeez...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-29 23:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Justin, you're 18 right?
Will do then.... hehehehehe
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-06-29 23:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crystle, I think you and me need to mee up, and see who's talent is better. I'll finger, you tongue.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-06-29 22:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You would be correct, Crystle.
Knuckles, this could be fiction, you know. Tell yourself whatever you need.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-29 22:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! I bet Luchuga's penny flicking is no match for my cherry stem tying!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-06-29 22:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You mean you arent a tranny? Damn that means I owe Herpes 5 bucks,
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-29 22:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF! You expect me to read all that!!?!?!!!!11!!!?!1?!!!eleven!!!!11111one!!??
now to read...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-06-29 22:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She
said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and, God bless her soul, she
was really onto something.
-- Homer Simpson
There's No Disgrace Like Home
The title alone would have been a +2, but the story rocked as well.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-06-29 21:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that guy was really fucking creepy.
i love you for telling him that i'm a tranny. hahahahaha i wish i'd seen it. there was no more "reach in my pocket and see what's there" after that one!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-06-29 21:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah my grandparent took me to the golden nugget when i was a young lad. It is not for the faint of heart. You guys probally blended in like hitler at a bar mitzah. Shalome!