My new résumé cover letter (1317 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.88 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jake <spamtrap50.at.kc.rr.com> (View user info) at 2005-06-30 11:08:12 EDT
Dear Sir or Madam,
I was recently browsing some worthless career website when I came across your job posting. While it does look underpaid and boring, so do the rest so I figured what the hell? After reading the qualifications, I feel that I am either a) So overqualified you're getting a HUGE bargain, or b) very qualified for what the position would actually entail, but see that you are attempting to find someone with an unnecessarily advanced degree and/or three times the amount of experience actually required because you know you can both hire them and pay them dick thanks to the current state of the economy.
Either way, I am expecting to receive your nameless, faceless rejection letter in about 4 weeks even though as you can see from the attached résumé, I have all of the experience you could possibly need. I am skilled in the art of coming in late yet not getting caught. In a typical day I probably surf the Internet for a good 7 hours, and I am a master of finding incredibly amusing, yet incredibly useless, sites. The remainder of my day is divided between bathroom breaks, smoke breaks, lunch breaks, and of course, whacking breaks. Having acquired all of these qualifications, I do feel that I would fit right in at XXXXXXXXXX. I have given up expecting a timely response, and any suggestions on how I could potentially qualify for the position, from any of you bastards.
In conclusion, I would like to say that you can continue to pass me over now, but keep in mind it will be my ass paying your Social Security in a few years you aging Boomer fuck, so don't piss me off too much - I may just quit working and let your old, worthless ass starve. Or worse yet, vote Republican to get all your future government benefits revoked!
Sincerely,
Jake
P.S. If you actually read this, or my résumé, without just deleting them, congratulations! You're the first!
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-25 11:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ace name
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-25 11:34:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's funny cause it's true.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-09-05 08:28:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Be your own boss. You can have the fun part of hiring and firing people...
Boss:"Michael, you have 5 seconds to tell me why you are fired."
Michael:"I... what?"
Boss:"You are fired. Clean out your desk by 5!"
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-09-05 08:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy, I'd pay you to hire me.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-09-05 07:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fallenangel (user info) at 2005-08-05 19:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should send this in someplace just to see what happens.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-05 18:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When can you start, fartknocker? You're hired.
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-05 18:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ironically, about a week after I posted this I found out my company is shutting down in January, so the urgency of finding a new job is now that much greater...
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-05 18:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I owned a company, I would hire you just for this post.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-08 02:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do like what you said about voting republican.
Fucking nanny state should be abolished.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-06-30 17:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-06-30 16:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kind of discouraging to think that i'll spend 4 or 6 years in college to no avail.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:19:51 (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd hire you based on your candidness.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<pointing at picture on desk> "Who's the cunt?"
George Carlin style
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure you'll get the job.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:20:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops, supposed to be +2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd hire you based on your candidness.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun for all the family!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:06:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Platinum.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great cover letter - Angela can relate: http://www.ubersite.com/m/69696
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:35:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
Let me know if this works. I'm too tired to type my own cover letter.
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Hahaha. Mine is better.
If you hire me I will seduce the married boss who will then live in fear of firing me and possibly facing retaliation.
Stalking is always a good work quality as well.
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-06-30 13:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like something I could have used to get the job I have now.
Submitted by Darth_Adwain (user info) at 2005-06-30 12:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Can I use this?
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your hired. when can you start?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sending that out TODAY!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's always poxy line managers who are to busy fucking around in their company cars when they should be in their offices reviewing the applicants I deem worthy of them. What the fuck is it with people trying to hire excessivly qualified personnel to be office monkeys? Why? They pay them fuck all as well. I have to spend ages sifting through the applications of trolls who could do the job quite happily and persue training oppurtunities and other shit but NO! You want your own all singing, all dancing, oxbridge slore to leave 3 months after getting the job to go be a corporate manager! You stupid mess! AAAAHHHHHH!
Incidently, always try to go for ad's with a phone number. There is the possibility you can speak to some lonely/horny person and you'll get an interview in no time.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Let me know if this works. I'm too tired to type my own cover letter.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is exactly what I needed at this particular moment. Thanks.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:10:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hope you all like...just been very frustrated in the job search lately.
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Funny, doesn't really seem like you are frustrated.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kudos. Not to you, the little oatmeal and grain bars that are covered in chocolate. Mmm, Kudos.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Honesty gets my hire anyday.
Good luck with the job search misery.
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-06-30 11:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hope you all like...just been very frustrated in the job search lately.