SPT- This humidity gives me the swampnutz. (606 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.85 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Insomniac (View user info) at 2005-06-30 14:09:50 EDT
Yep, that's right, it sure does. Oh, you know what the swamp nuts are. It's when your balls get all sweaty and then start sticking to your leg, eachother, or, even worse, to your dong. Yep, I said dong. Sue me. The reason the man-pole is the worst, is because not only do you have to pry your balls off of something with a spatula, you have to pry your wang off at the same time. Thats just inhumane.
Mostly I get the swampnuts at work, when I'm waiting tables. It gets quite sweaty, and walking around for 6 hours on end generates a lot of friction in that general area, which leads to raw skin, which then gets sticky from the sweat, which then seems to beckon to you balls, saying "stick to me, come on, lets show them the original velcrow", then you take a wrong step, and BAM! Frickin skin superglue. Oh man. God was feeling a little evil when he invented the swampnuts. I think it was towards the end of the 6th day, when he was just gazing around thinking "Shit. Now that I've created everything, it's going to be a boring eternity. Oh! I know! Ill creat the swampnuts so that I can laugh at those guys as they try to walk like a duck so their sweaty thighs dont stick to their balls, and I think I'll make it so that when their nether regions get warm, their balls hang lower, so as to exascerbate the problem, thereby making it impossible to avoid the swampnuts!" Yep, that God was one conniving motherf*cker. (Duh, you can't drop the F-bomb in the same sentence as the word God, or he'll give you his next worst invention-hemmorhoids!)
Unfortunately there is no cure for the swampnuts. I submit to you that we must destroy God, thereby inheriting his power of creation, and create a baby powder gland just below our sacs, for those oh-so-sticky summer days, when the swampnuts are unavoidable. It is to this end that I have sold my soul to Satan. Hey, who could possibly hate swampnuts more than a guy who lives on a lake of fire? I figure he's on my side.
User Reviews
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-07-01 01:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-06-30 18:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:18:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by prettygirl (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:16:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Try cornstarch.
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Ouch! Wouldnt that make it work? Johnson and Johnson need to just open a kiosk in the hotel I work at. That would solve it.
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Don't listen to that fuckstick. It's last post was entitled "I've already fucked my mother."
Swampnuts blow, but this post didn't.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-06-30 16:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
swampnuts.....hehe....I have a new favorite word...
Submitted by spazzh0le (user info) at 2005-06-30 16:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Would CoolMax underwear work?
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope, believe it or not, the Hiltons own the largest hotel chain in the world.
Think.. where did you stay with your family when you were younger? I work at the upscale version of that, owned by the same bigger corporation.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:05:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:53:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for correct usage of the word "swampnuts." People so often use it to mean things such as "crotch rot" or "elephantitis of the nuts," which is incorrect. Thanks for clearing that up.
Oh, and which restaurant is it you work at? I know you're back in the kitchen with your hand down your pants adjusting for a less adhesive arrangement and I'd prefer to avoid being served by your fungal-laden hands.
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Hehe, I dont think that would be appropriate to post here. Its a major hotel chain though, the second larges in the world, if that helps. :-)
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Figures you work for the Hiltons.
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:13:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
haahahahaha - I haven't heard swampnuts since boot camp.
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Yep...sounds just like one of those awfully gross military terms.
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-06-30 15:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:53:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for correct usage of the word "swampnuts." People so often use it to mean things such as "crotch rot" or "elephantitis of the nuts," which is incorrect. Thanks for clearing that up.
Oh, and which restaurant is it you work at? I know you're back in the kitchen with your hand down your pants adjusting for a less adhesive arrangement and I'd prefer to avoid being served by your fungal-laden hands.
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Hehe, I dont think that would be appropriate to post here. Its a major hotel chain though, the second larges in the world, if that helps. :-)
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for correct usage of the word "swampnuts." People so often use it to mean things such as "crotch rot" or "elephantitis of the nuts," which is incorrect. Thanks for clearing that up.
Oh, and which restaurant is it you work at? I know you're back in the kitchen with your hand down your pants adjusting for a less adhesive arrangement and I'd prefer to avoid being served by your fungal-laden hands.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Baby powder
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just another reason I'm glad I don't have a dick or balls.
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by prettygirl (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:16:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Try cornstarch.
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Ouch! Wouldnt that make it work? Johnson and Johnson need to just open a kiosk in the hotel I work at. That would solve it.
Submitted by prettygirl (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try cornstarch.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for the visual
I don't know how you boyz walk around with those things all the time.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good to know i'm not the only one experiencing this condition.
my friends and i refer to it as "swampcrotch"
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:13:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haahahahaha - I haven't heard swampnuts since boot camp.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-06-30 14:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think you mean Betty Swollocks