SPT: Big Niggers With Guns (1048 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.47 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by That Is My Stapler (View user info) at 2005-06-30 23:11:19 EDT
My friend/boss/landlord owns the apartment house I live in, and another apartment house down the street. He and I go way back, and he lets me live there rent free, which is nice because I lost my house in my divorce and it's good not to have to pay too many bills while I try to recuperate.
These are old, old houses in a college nieghborhood. It's kind of an interesting street, because there is an odd combination of Ghetto-boyz, street bums, and young, attractive college kids, in a neighborhood of beauitful yards and enourmous trees.
I seriously wanna bone some of those college chicks, too, but I digress.
On two occassions now he has asked me to help him evict two worthless tenants from his new house down the street. Being niave in these matters, I agreed.
The first guy, it was no big deal. He was alcoholic and down on his luck, but he was decent and even shook our hands when we got him out of there. I felt bad, putting a guy on the street, but my friend is my friend, and that guy was a stranger.
Today, he asked me to help him evict another one.
"The last one," he said. "I would never rent to people like this and once this guy is gone, the house will be a nice place for people to live."
I should have taken that as a warning sign, but I am not known for my brilliance.
As we were walking to the house, my buddy begins to fill me in.
"Ok, this guy is dangerous. He's a drug dealer and an alcoholic and he wouldn't hesistate to shoot you."
I looked at him like he was from Mars.
"Dude. Are you serious?"
"Yeah," he said. "We have to be careful. Hopefully he's not even there, in which case we'll simply move his furniture out and the locksmith will change the lock. If he IS there, then we have to leave and wait for the police officer to arrive."
I didn't know this, but you cannot evict somebody without a police officer present. Makes sense I guess.
Anyway, when we got there, we found that the tenant had changed the locks on US. That was most unexpected. We pounded on the door, but no answer. After sitting there stumped for a moment, we looked into an open window outside the foyer. There was nothing in there except a SHIT load of trash and beer bottles and SHIT. It was just nasty. But no furniture, no clothing. The door to the rest of the apartment was shut.
My friend, while not fat, is not young anymore, and has grown a belly. I volunteered to climb through the window and unlock the door from the inside.
"Ok," he said.
This is where the fun starts. I shit you not, this happened to me TODAY.
The minute I landed on the floor inside the apartment, the door burst open, and an ENORMOUS black man screamed "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRUUUGGH" at me and fired a pistol, which hit the wall right beside me.
Now that I think about it, it was kind of like that scene in "Pulp Fiction" where the kid pops out of the bathroom and empties his gun at Vincent and Jules.
That was enough for me. I was not about to wait for a second shot. I screamed right back at him, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRUUUUGGH" and charged into him, knocking both of us down. I was up QUICK, man. When you've just been shot at, it's not like Vincent and Jules. You don't sit there and look at each other all calm, then blow your enemy away. You FREAK THE FUCK OUT. At least, I did. Anyway I crashed through that apartment through tons of SHIT. Trash everywhere, beer bottles...just a shithole. Crap was flying everywhere and I was in a blind panic. I knew where the front door was and I barged through it, forgetting that there is a stairwell directly in front of it. I fell ALL the way down those stairs, face first, and the second I hit bottom I was GONE LIKE THE WIND.
We ran all the way back to my apartment, and waited for the cops.
Fuck me blue I hate big niggers with guns.
User Reviews
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-05 19:56:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
We would usually pass it on to the goons in the sheriffs department.
We had better things to do and they were more suited for that type of work.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-01 17:50:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-07-01 15:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
13 is better than 3, there's nothing quite as annoying as posting something you think is good, only to have it overlooked while SPT posts push it off the page. At least I'm not bitter or anything.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-01 12:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe you.
My posts usually stall between 26 and 30 reviews, no matter what I post; humor, fiction, whatever.
Except for the Ubercon post. That thing went to 66.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-01 11:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why do my posts always seem to stall at 13 reviews? I hate that. It's like, bad karma or something.
So here I am to make it 14 and save me from the evils of 13.
Believe it or not, that really happened yesterday.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-01 11:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
On the one hand I hope you're telling the truth, and on the other hand I hope it's a big fat lie.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-01 11:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
blimey
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-07-01 11:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I actually don't believe you.. but amusing.
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-07-01 11:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for being mildly amusing.
-2 for being utter bullshit.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-01 08:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ho Ho, Chortle Chortle etc...
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-07-01 04:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-06-30 23:16:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Feel reborn, motherfucker?
WHAT HE SAID
I HAVE PROCIAMED IT
Amen
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-06-30 23:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
too bad he missed.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-06-30 23:25:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Niggers!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-30 23:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you didn't die.
...I guess.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-06-30 23:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Feel reborn, motherfucker?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-06-30 23:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-06-30 23:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-06-30 23:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment