He might be an egomaniacal warlord who wants to rule the world, but fuck you, he's mine. (1504 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.98 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-02 08:09:42 EDT
If he'd been born 2000 years ago, he would have been a leader of men. He'd have been an Alexander, an Achilles. They would have noticed him early on and trained him for leadership. He would have been a god among mortals, a hero, a myth, a legend.
Regrettably, he was born eight years ago today and thus, does not have the opportunity to conquer the world. He's stymied by the era in which he lives and so he just conquers whatever happens to be available.
Today, that was the Fun Factory. It was his birthday, so in addition to buying him crap he doesn't need and clothes he'll never wear, and baking him a cake he barely tasted as he shovelled it into his mouth with both hands, I took him and his two cousins to this veritable wonderland of chaos and hollow plastic balls. You know the place, I'm sure you do; a slide higher than my house, bold primary colored pieces of molded plastic that fit together to make a kind of very large hamster maze for kids. It's an indoor park, with a lovely little coffee area for parents. And a ball pit. And a bouncy castle and these strange little "bum boards" that you steer with your feet... I don't know. The kids seem to like it.
We rocked up; me, the Dutchman, The Boy and his blonde angelic cousins. After the usual hurried lecture - don't fight, don't push, don't jump off things, don't come and ask me for lollies or icecreams, don't whine, don't tattle, don't get in fights with the other kids, look out for each other, come and tell me immediately if there's a problem rather than sorting it out yourselves with fire or weapons or that biting thing Gypsy I'm talking to you look at me when I speak thank you very much, now be good and have fun off you go wait take your shoes off does everyone have socks on good we'll be right here if you need us for anything okay now good no you can't have an icecream what did I just say, I swear I think I'm talking to myself sometimes, okay everyone's ready wait Tammy I'll take your earrings out that's better you don't want to get them caught and have the side of your face ripped off like a little girl I saw on the news once I don't remember when stop asking okay fine GO - I ordered me a latte, the Dutchman a black coffee, and we sat back exhausted and watched them like the attentive, protective parents we are.
"Hey... seen the boy lately? I can't see him anywhere."
"That's because you're blind and too lazy to put your contacts in."
"Not laziness. Energy conservation."
"You don't even speak in complete sentences."
"Conserving."
"That slide looks pretty high."
"Take your shoes off and climb up there and see.. the Boy'd like to have you around. He can push you off and deal with his Oedipal complex."
"We're allowed on that thing?"
"Sure."
"Can we fuck on it?"
"....probably."
"See that high bit up there, near the roof?"
"Too unstable.. also, it's visible."
"Right, yeah.. ball pit?"
"Ew, dude.. kids put those balls in their mouths."
"I'd like to put my - "
"SHIT! What is he doing?"
The Boy marched around the corner, followed by a straggling line of other kids. He raised a hand and they stopped marching. I put my head in my hands.
"I don't want to watch this."
"No, you have to watch it; his parole officer will find it useful information later in life."
With gestures and the occasional shout, he divided his army into two groups. His voice carried all the way across the cavernous warehouse to where I sat, cringing, hoping none of the other parents here would figure out he was mine.
"RIGHT! Group one, that's you, go and find something to use as weapons. Group two - "
I was up and out of my seat before he'd finished the sentence. I called him over, casually, not wanting to embarass him in front of his new minions.
"Dude."
"Yeah?"
"No weapons."
"Oh."
"No army."
"Oh.
"Just play on the slide, okay?"
"Can I - "
"No."
"But - "
"No."
The Dutchman watched him wander away and smiled brightly at me. "He displays leadership qualities."
"Shut up."
( Although he'll likely never read this, I want to say it, so skip this bit: Happy birthday, kiddo. You make me so fucking proud, every day. Thank you for choosing me.)
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-05-20 06:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-05-20 11:29:07 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know the term "Oedipal complex" when I first read this.
---
Your dad did - and that's why you'll never win the love of your mother. He's just a better man than you.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-05-20 06:29:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know the term "Oedipal complex" when I first read this.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-20 06:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy the dialogue between you and the Dutchman and between you and the Boy. There is love there.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-07-08 12:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-03 05:55:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish my parents had called me "dude".
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2005-07-08 04:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamnit, Rad.
You too, Bart. There should be some sort of device or piece of code or magic gnome that stops these things from happening.
It's all mostly Bart's fault, all the time, every time something sucks on Ubersite. Mostly.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-08 04:30:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-07-06 23:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yep!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-07-04 10:57:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-07-02 08:12:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome...I remember those ball pits, and there was always one kid who'd pee in it and not tell anyone. Then all the other kids would fumble around in the pit and put the balls in their mouths. Eventually you'd hear a shriek as someone discovered the area with the wet balls, and everyone would pile out. Happy birthday to your son!
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I was always the kid putting my balls in my mouth.
I had wet balls.
--------------------
What do you mean, "was"?
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2005-07-05 08:47:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All of it was great, but especially the fourth paragraph, You started out using punctuation and then left it out as you began to speak faster in order to retain their (the kids) short attention span. Next time be a daredevil and try it on the top of the slide.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-07-04 11:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This needs no comment.
Kids are cool.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-07-04 10:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-07-02 08:12:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome...I remember those ball pits, and there was always one kid who'd pee in it and not tell anyone. Then all the other kids would fumble around in the pit and put the balls in their mouths. Eventually you'd hear a shriek as someone discovered the area with the wet balls, and everyone would pile out. Happy birthday to your son!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was always the kid putting my balls in my mouth.
I had wet balls.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-04 00:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a very interesting person.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-07-03 08:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not gonna blabber on about how brilliant you are or how much I want you to shave me down and force me to wear a PVC catsuit, so instead I plan on making a sandwich in your honour.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-03 05:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish my parents had called me "dude".
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-03 04:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You wanna be careful around those ball pits, do you *know* the kind of germs floating around inside a kid's mouth?
How can you be so funny and so poignant and have such a great ear for the language all at the same time?
I only hope my boy grows up to be as wily and innovative a leader as yours. Seriously... or else I can see the US falling prey to the colonialist Australian empire like just another domino in a line.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-07-03 02:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah - and send the novel 'round the book club group that Cookie is supposed to be putting together that I haven't heard anything more about yet
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-02 21:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, novel, what he said. Write one.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-07-02 21:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
happy birthday to him,
happy birthday to him,
happy biiiiiirthday to the boyyyyyy,,
happy birthday to himmmmm....
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-07-02 18:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-02 17:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's hoping he grows up to be more of a Lenin than a Stalin.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-02 16:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have serious talent, Lyn. I'm not fucking around. You OWE it to the world to write something and have it published.
Not everybody has your gifts. You make me feel like Salieri.
Don't waste it man. Just.....don't.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-02 16:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe...
Lyn...
Write a novel. Or a short story. Or a play. Or a screeplay. Or SOMETHING.
I don't care about what.
Do it.
DO IT.
The English Language is your whore.
DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-07-02 15:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic. I miss the ball pit, god do I miss it ever so much.
Submitted by Revolutionman (user info) at 2005-07-02 15:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-02 13:26:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-02 12:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHHH just noticed. Fun Factory? I didn't know they had those in Australia. We had one in our town once, and I remember going there a few times. I think ours got shut down for violating health and/or safety codes, though.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-02 12:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, if he doesn't listen, just threaten to fuck the Dutchman on a slide or something. And if he still won't listen... well, you warned him.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-07-02 12:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to make a reality show about your life.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-02 11:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus
Fucking
Two
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-02 10:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fear for you, Lyn.
I FEAR FOR YOUR SOUL!!!
Toxic Narcotic stocked it on aisle 14, if you're wondering where it's at. Purchase price is fairly cheap right now, about $291. Hope you like it, it's on sale...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-02 10:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But Mike... I want him to be a nice boy, quiet and gentle and sweet, who likes picking flowers and collecting butterflies like in that John Fowles book..
Oh wait...
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-07-02 10:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-02 10:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perspective. It's all about perspective. The armies he raises now will prepare him for the battle of the sexes later on in life. You are a woman, once a girl. You have no knowledge of these secrets.
Let the boy rule over his dominion. I'm sure the parole officer will understand.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-07-02 09:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"No army."
You are the worst mom ever.
Submitted by blank_mind (user info) at 2005-07-02 08:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, you are one hell of a writer.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-02 08:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stupid enter key. Sorry for the repost.