Haven (611 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.33 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by girlintheworld (View user info) at 2005-07-02 15:43:32 EDT
He stood on the sand but thought it was both rough and slippery. He felt every grain even down to his little pinky toe, scratching away, clawing at his skin. Standing at the edge of the water, he felt each clump of sand attach itself to his feet and he couldn't shake it off. Even with this feeling he felt as if the sand would make him deceive him and cause him to slide into the cold, unforgiving water. The sun bored down on him, made him sweaty and uncomfortable and the colors reflected in the sky made him feel uneasy. The small breeze did little to help, and was nothing but an occasional tease, a bated breath.
It allowed the trees to sway, so that their leaves could mock him. Everything was lit up and there was no place to hide. Soon the sky would dip into an unceasing red, and the glare would ultimately be judgmental. He paid more attention to the unwelcoming knotted trees lined up on either side of the lake, like guards protecting the houses of which they partially hid. The light shot through the trees like bullet holes, aimed at him, waiting.
Should he lie in the sand, and hide?
He could scream now, scream at the sky and the water, but it would just absorb his words, take his thoughts and twist them. They'd all get garbled. He'd walk away feeling guilty anyhow.
The water crawled up slowly to grab his ankles. The colors reflected in the water itself made him feel only temporary and there was nothing he could depend on. The birds flew past in the sky, and it seemed to him like they were watching him with a close eye, even from way up there. He saw the fish bobbing up from the water occasionally, struggling to breathe? One of the fish, though he couldn't be sure, had a hook in its mouth, probably broken off from a fishing line. It was as if there was a whirlpool that they were all fighting against, resisting the urge to be brought down, sucked in. He wondered if the colors of the lake became darker in the middle, if that's where the reds met up with the blacks and blues and purples, swirling faster and faster to create a great chaos.
Have people come here, he wondered, and built their castles?
Built them, only to be brought down by something so delicate as a hand?
User Reviews
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-07-12 23:17:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope. I was writing this from the point of view of a man who had just committed murder, and was looking for a place to hide.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-07-12 17:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmmm...
Suicide by drowning?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-05 19:36:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this. There's a cool sense of mystery here.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-04 00:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're great, Amanda, but this seemed a bit rushed. Needed more focus and detail, whether it was a stab at ambiguity or not.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2005-07-02 21:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kettutytto.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-07-02 16:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"The sun bored down on him, made him sweaty and uncomfortable"
that sentence bothers me.
alot.
toher than that, well writ.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-02 16:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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